Just diagnosed

[takeaguess18]

Hey...

So I'm kinda new around here, I was diagnosed with ptsd last week (I'm 19) and I thought I'd come join you guys. Guess I should tell my story, but it's hard to know where to start!

My symptoms started in May, immediately after one of my best friends and flatmate committed suicide in the apartment. I was having horrific nightmares about finding him and my mom (who attempted suicide 3 times, found by me each time) and found it hard to get the image of him out of my head during the day. I began to self-injure to deal with it and my bf noticed and made me go and see a doctor. Long story short, she was pretty useless and over the course of the summer things got worse and worse, I ended up in hospital getting stitches quite a few times etc, was afraid to leave the house. Then in september I had to go back to university 200 miles away (something I was really dreading, too many reminders) and things got very out of control. I was taking sleeping tablets (too many) to knock myself out and then when I couldn't get up for classes I was taking amphetamines (and I was staunch anti-drugs before this) to keep me awake, it was a cycle. My best mate (who goes to my uni and knew all about all this) booked me a doctors appointment and made me go and they referred me to a psychologist who said I had ptsd. They put me on zoloft which has yet to kick in properly (I started taking it on wednesday).

On friday morning things got too overwhelming and I cut really deep on my wrists, then freaked out at the amount of blood I was losing and went for help. When they mentioned admitting me I left AMA because I can't be admitted, I spent my entire childhood being paraded in and out of pysch wards to see my mom (another story) and the places terrify me. My bf and best mate are both desperate, and I hate seeing them so upset about this but they don't understand, they think being in hospital will make everything better, but I don't see how. I'm still me, there or not.

So that went off on a total tangent... sorry! Really I just wanted to give a little background and say hi.

Laura
xx

[Seasons]

Hi Laura
My real name is Laura also .
It sounds like your at the beginning of a healing journey. I don't pretend to know anything about cutting, I only know what others have told me. I understand that it's a symbolic way of letting the pain out. If this is true for you then I want you to know that the only true way to get through this is to allow yourself to feel the pain. I know that's frightening but its worth it. I've been healing for a long time now and have felt much pain but also have felt the rewards of it. There is a lot of deep inner wisdom to be gained from your experiences and a whole new awakening to be found.
You've taken the first step by looking for places and people to talk to. Don't stop here...look for all the resources you can find.
I understand your feelings about psych wards...for different reasons...my feeling is that its a safe place to be if your not safe with yourself but not a great place for support and feedback. I found that psyciatrists are too text book oriented so I ended up looking in the yellow pages under couselling and just called each one to see if there was anyone that was interested in taking on a challenging case of ptsd.....that worked for me and I got someone that was truely interested in the humanity side of it and not reading out of a book.
It sounds like you have some support around you but maybe you can ask them to just be there for you when you need to talk and not to look for a cure. Your the only one that really knows what you need and your the only one that knows the cure...if you dig into your emotions you'll know what I mean. Take charge of your healing .....your the boss and no one else. Do whatever you feel you have to do to get through this and don't worry about anyone else...some may tug with you on this but don't let them...they will respect you for it in the long run.
I wish that I could help you more with the cutting ...but I can't......I do have a suggestion though....please try it even though it may be hard to get yourself to do it....find a picture of yourself when you were a little girl and put it by a mirror...the next time you think about cutting yourself go to the picture and the mirror...look at her and yourself in the mirror and realise that you are not only cutting yourself but also that little girl that needs to be heard.

hugssss
Seasons

[takeaguess18]

It's hard to explain the cutting, it's a release but at the same time it's a punishment because after the release has gone it stings for days and reminds me that I deserve all this. But then, as my best mate pointed out, "you're cutting yourself apart, and you don't want to but yet you are because you feel bad, overwhelmed, you want to punish yourself AND feel better but like...you can't really do both at the same time, and you can't do it forever, it's not helping you deal with you life, it's just helping you avoid it one more time".

She's a smart cookie.

But I certainly will try the mirror thing, I'm always up for suggestions. I'm getting better at distracting myself.

Anyway thanks for the reply!

Laura
xx

[sniffy]

Hi Laura

I am sorry that you are having such a bad time. It must have been horiffic. I am sure you would have ptsd after that. I know what you mean about the thoughts and images always being there.

I have been helped by meds and therapy. I would suggest you seek counselling about this. Don't be afraid to switch therapist if you get one who isn't good or you don't feel comfortable with.

Please hang in there with the meds. They often take a month or more to start working. I can understand why you have issues with hospitals. I have a few myself. I actually just got out of the hospital this week after being put on a 72 hour committment order. However they can help you in the hospital. It is a safe place where you can't hurt yourself. There is always someone to talk to when things get too tough. And they can experiment a bit with the meds until they find the right ones for you. I suggest you try to get readmitted if you can. You deserve to be well!

best wishes
heather