I really am attractive (by everyone else's standards), smart, educated, even charming but I am so shy and introverted. I try to hide this from people and sometimes get away with it but most of the time, they still know me as "the quiet one".
This is a huge problem when it comes to relationships. I'm a 26 yr. old female and have only "been" w/ one guy. This was six yrs. ago. I just met someone and we started going out officially. He is a few yrs. older than me and I'm sure much more experienced. I am sooooo painfully shy when it comes to sex. I don't know how to explain it but I just can't feel energetic and seductive around someone I like. I feel strange enough that he is potentially my boyfriend after all these years of being single and sheltered from the male world. I think when people first see me at a club scene, for example, they would never suspect this, b/c I can act and look different (until I get to know someone). This guy is also very extrovreted and not shy at all, which makes me feel even more self-conscious.
It's not so much that I'm ashamed of my body... It's just that I don't know how to act and what to do. I mean, I know what I SHOULD be doing, but I can't for some reason... I just go into these mellow stage, where feelings get involved and I just want him to hold me. I know this sounds terrible b/c I have the appearance of a strong woman...
This has been weighing down on me very heavily. I can't even imagine having intercourse w/ him, let alone going down on him or something of that sort. I don't even know how to look this problem up online and reasearch it, so this is my last resort.
Does anyone have I name for this (other than "psychotic" or "abnormal")? What am I supposed to do? How do I just relax and feel confident, enjoy the act and don't feel so weird about the idea of pleasing him in any way? sometimes I feel like an innocent little school. I'm jus very traditional and scared of all the "experimenting" that is considered "normal" in this day and age. I almost feel like it's against my principles. I know I'm strange but I can't help it!
I know what you are experiencing because I have the very same issues. Pretty good looking guy, well-educated, witty personality but very uncomfortable around girls and social settings such as parties and clubs. I am 28 years old, still a virgin, never been on a date and have never kissed a girl and that is pretty extreme. For me the issue is not really shyness but more performance anxiety which affects me in other areas of life as well. You are not psychotic or abnormal but for whatever reason we developed differently than others. I really wish I had the magic answer to your problems but am still fighting a losing battle with myself. Medication is of limited value for these types of things, and while therapy can be helpful it can also cause you to analyze to paralzye even more. I am a classic avoider who stays in my comfort zone and shrinks away from life experiences and challenges. It has taken a brutal beating on my self-esteem and I'm sure yours as well.
My advice would be to surround yourself with as many loving and supportive people (men and women) as possible. I actually know of a personal growth seminar in Florida that would greatly benefit you ( it has already helped me make lasting friendships), but we are not allowed to give out personal information or advertise for a business. This is a very tricky matter and if you know of a way to get around that rule let me know because I really want to help you.
I think it might be a good idea to tell him that you are shy, but you do like him. I'm just thinking: - if a beautiful girl I like, has become my girlfriend, & tells me that she likes me but she's awefully shy about sex & stuff, I would think this is rather cute, & I would like her even more; & I'll try to help her to solve her problems, patiently. I prefer honesty then acting ... we always say, communication is the key, do we not ?! ...
1 thing I also wanna point put, being shy about sex is nothing abnormal. Some people are very open about it, & some, just simply ain't. Just enjoy who you are, take things easy.
Thank you all so much for your replies. I was not expecting to find this much support here. I really cannot talk to him about this. I want him to see me as confident and sexy and I do not think there is anything cute about being shy LOL I'm also not sure he'd see it that way b/c he is an extrovert and a very restless soul (although a decent guy). We met about a month ago, "hooked up" about a week ago, and went out a few times since then. We are pretty much officially going out and I feel like in the normal world, it would be exected of me to sleep with him soon. He has his own place and I have my own, but I just always start to feel uncomfortable...
Phillyguy, I wish the rest of the male race was like you, preferring shy and traditional women Gundam, I agree that honesty is better than acting. I DO NOT want to act. I just want to be comfortable w/ my own sexuality. I also have this awful performance anxiety BECAUSE I'm so traditional. I hope you know what I mean w/o my having to spell it out here
And MrSlots, I am so sorry about what you are going through. I really can sympathize... It is especially tragic when it happens to people like you and I - people who [at the risk of sounding arrogant] have so much to contribute to in all other areas of life. I hate the fact that I'm so uptight in different situations. The only thing that helps me is alcohol but I know it is not the answer and that I would ultimately end up feeling even more embarrassed if I ended up making a fool of myself. What exactly do you think it is that scares you? I, personally, am just..well...embarrassed. It's all so uncomfortable. I know from experience that after the first or second time with the person, it becomes more natural but getting past this initial phobia is awfully difficult. I am one of those crazy people (or maybe I am just that one crazy person) who wonders how I could look someone in the eye the day after sleeping with him. Is that not MESSED UP!?! All I can tell you is to get out there... Do not feel pressured to necessarily have physical contact w/ anyone, but the first step to breaking out of your social anxiety would probably be surrounding yourself w/ close friends you feel comfortable w/ and getting out in public places as much as possible. I have another confession: when I like someone, or when I start developing feelings for them, I find it so much more difficult to go w/ the deed. I mean, it almost makes me want to go out and get someone experience, whom I don't give a crap about, and practice on until I acquire some skills that I can be confident w/ later. Now, if THAT is not messed up, I don't know what is!
Trustn: My Wife was "shy" and i found that a very special trait. She didn't have a ton of "experience" and i respected that in her. We have been married now for 34 years and she isn't shy any more. Cut yourself some slack and you,ll find a guy who will love you for that. Too much pressure today is placed on extramartial affairs, or premartial sex and that's sad!
As Tucker says, maybe you need to find someone different. Not necessarily someone who you won't feel so nervous with, but someone who will accept you the way you are. You have mentioned more than once that this guy is an extrovert. Is that part of the problem? He just wouldn't understand? Maybe you should try to find someone who would?
Or on the other hand, just go with it. Tell yourself that you are going to be nervous and feel really self-conscious, but do it anyway. I know it's easy for someone else to say this, but if the guy stops liking you because your "performance" wasn't up to scratch, or because you were too shy, then he's not the sort of person you should be with.
I feel awful today. He came over last night and one thing started leading to another... Before then, we were joking around, and he actually commentted on my body language and how he feels that I'm shy in front of him or something. I didn't want to absolutely admit that... Well, once we started to get into things and were almost about to do the deed, I asked him if he had any protection and he said he didn't. He asked me the same, and since I just started taking pills, we couldn't go through w/ it. He held me all nightand was sweet about it, but I felt really awkward. Today I can't get this out of my head. I know it's not my fault but I keep thinking there are plenty of other htings I could've done and that he maybe wanted me to but I couldn't bring myself to - NO WAY. That's the one case in which *I* would be the one completely tested by my performance. I find it so degrading. I hate the fact that I'm so traditional. I hate myself. I got compliments from two guys at work today (heard it through another friend). They think I'm gorgeous and a "heartbreaker" but look at me?! How stupid! I really don't understand how to get myself out of this one. I've been depressed all day. I *know* the problem is *me*. I know that he wants more than sex (not only did he say it, but he also acts like it)
I am so sorry to hear that you are sad and frustrated. I am up visiting my unlce in New York City now and have a chance to go to a college alumni social event tonight and maybe a date this weekend if I can work up the confidence and courage. A few nights ago I had a crying breakdown in the bathroom as my younger brother is about to be married next week and I can't even work up the confidence to meet girls at a party or go on a date. I'm ashamed, embarrassed, and depressed but far too comfortable with the way hings are to get out of my hangups. It seems that barring a jolting event I may just have to accept my anxiety and awkwardness.
I can understand how you feel. I have been getting so down on myself over my introvertedness. I'm very, very upset about the way I'm handling this guy and I'm beginning to think that maybe I made a mistake by letting him into my life but then again this is how I ALWAYS feel when it comes to men. If this guy knew what was going on inside of me, he'd get freaked out and think I'm weird (who wouldn't!?!) b/c he is so simple. We went to visit a a couple that he's been friends w/ for a long time and I only since recently and the whole time I was being so hard on myself. I was trying to talk, but every time I want to say somethiung when there is a larger group of people I feel so scared. I'm uncomfortable and I start to analyze everything around me. He is so different. What bothers me the most is that he is going to get so sick of me being like this. It scares the hell out of me. I would hate to be w/ myself. I hate myself so much right now. After he dropped me off at home, driving to his house he called and asked that he previously forgot to ask if I wanted to go to his place... I told him I really had a headache (which I had brought up previously) and he was on his way home anyway. So I said another time... I'm not sure how he interpreted this. I think he know something is up but can't quite understand yet. What the hell am I going to do?
I feel like I have to ruin everything I touch. I'm being so so so hard on myself right now. I hate my introvertedness. At the same time, I have a lot of toughness in me and I do not take **** from anyone. I started to get a little concerned last night when they were joking around about some hot singer who was on the TV and he so openedly told his buddy to leave it on... He'd better not be like this (from what I know of him so far, he is not a womanizer at all), just really crazy
My question to all of you who would be willing to take some effort and help out a crazy and messed up woman is: "How the hell do I handle this one?" Do I just run and hide like I normally do? Is it a better choice right now? Or do I pull my **** together and just do it? I'm scared that he is going to think I'm too conservative (in bed)... Basically, I am so scared of so many things right now.
Please, help me. Just give me some input. I have absolutely NO WHERE else to turn, I really don't. I check these boards all the time. I guess people are not sure how to respond to such psychotic behaviour and remarks that I'm displaying now...
And thank you so much to all of you who have replied. It always makes me feel so much better, even if you have to kick me in the face and tell me to suck it up I just need to know how
First off,stop being so hard on yourself.I know it's easy for someone else to say but I've actually been there/done that and it was agony.You sound so much like I was.My insecurity ate me up alive but some how I made myself push through it.I finally got to the point where I said i'm not going to run and hide anymore.I was sick of shielding myself from everyone.
One of the main problems i had was my age + inexperience.I was 21 when I lost my virginity; still young by some standards but I felt my peers would think I was a freak if they knew and I felt so ashamed.I told close friends it was my personal business and didn't want anyone else to know and was too scared and shy to bring it up to guys and wouldn't go very far with them and played hard to get for years.Which I liked because it was safe for me emotionally but painful for me at the same time.Eventually I found my BF.Started off as friends at work then went out.I kept trying to sabotage things the way I always did.Back off before getting too close.Avoid having conversations about sex (while friends).One night 3 wks after dating it just happened.We had sex.I didn't really do all that much because it hurt but I was drinking so I was less inhibited so I played things off that I was a little drunk so I wasn't based on a sober performance. Anyway,the point is: You're never going to get anywhere by pushing him away and doubting yourself.If you really like him and are comfortable with him then give it a chance.Relationships are work and don't fall perfectly in place at first and intimacy is something you have to build.Shyness and modesty aren't something to be ashamed of and are very redeeming qualities.Just because he is an extrovert doesn't mean he won't see that or understand it.Unless he is some super ego-maniac that is solely focused on himself.It's better to be honest with him who you are than put up a fake persona.Being that he called you the other night afterwords means he probably wanted to spend some one on one time with you because he saw that you are shy and does want to be with you.You just have to open yourself up some.
Last edited by greenfairy84; 03-30-2006 at 05:01 PM.