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Old 04-22-2007, 07:06 PM   #1
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Shyness, Low self esteem.

Well, i am 24 years old and never been in a relationship with a girl I am quite normal looking to the normal person but have underlying issues which i dont convey which hinders me "fitting in". There is a girl that lives down my road who asked my bro to tell me she thinks i am "good looking" and that she wants to be "friends".

I dont know if she does like me though, weve never met properly only for a brief time on a couple occasions (on those occasions i ignored her completly due to shyness and i think she took that as rejection although how do i tell? how do i give her a hint i like her so it can make it easier?) but never spoke proper i told my bro to tell her i have no friends and that im a broken person trying to deal with some issues (trying to push her away) and she replied "i will be his friend". The thing is she is a really outgoing person with a large circle of friends and a socialite. I am a recluse, unemployed quiet guy with 1 close friend who hardly leaves his apartment heh.

I also have been in depression due to some **** up's in my life which i had no power of which is a burden on my mind not letting me interact on a normal level with people. I dont know how it would work out if i were to approach the situation because our lifestyles are opposite also.

She also has a college/university course studying for masters degree and a quite busy lifestyle and likes to travel, i dont understand why she would be interested in me when she has such a large selection of guys from who she meets daily (maybe she isnt and im just being stupid parranoid heh). Most people dont even know i exist and i feel i cant offer anything to her although emotionaly i crave companionship deeply but think it is selfish to only take from her. She has aspirations in life i dont, im kinda a waster/loner and it brings my confidence down although she is really hot and nice i cant find it in myself to do anything about it in fear of rejection or not being good enough, i dunno what to do.

I understand most males in my situation would take advantage of the situation and see it as a easy lay (having no trouble talking to her e.t.c)
But i am quite sensitive person who doesnt see the same. Thanks.

 
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Old 04-22-2007, 09:20 PM   #2
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Re: Shyness, Low self esteem.

Boy, you are sure down on yourself! You know, it is almost the opposite of an inferiority complex going on here...you have written a script for your life, and by jove, nobody is going to alter that by one line!! I can already hear "Yes, but" being said for ANY suggestions you get here. As to fear of rejection, what is to reject?? You are really getting ahead of yourself, planning the divorce before you have even spoken to the poor girl. Heavens above, man, just say hello, or wave at her. As for your last sentence, that is fairly insulting to the girl, who just sounds like a nice person, and most men, who would probably just think "What a nice girl". I feel for shy people, and I also feel that there is no use sitting in a room moaning about being shy,unless you really intend to remain the same for ever

 
Old 04-22-2007, 09:31 PM   #3
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Re: Shyness, Low self esteem.

Ironically, you're actually doing a lot of things right without even realizing it or meaning to LOL Girls are really dumb. Especially attractive ones who are used to having guys chase after them. This girl is probably intrigued by your seeming disinterest and reticence. She's probably wondering, "Hmmmm, what is it with this guy? Why isn't he slobbering all over me?" It's probably driving her nuts.

Really, it's all about attitude. There are plenty of unemployed, unmotivated, sad sack type of guys who can easily find girlfriends. But then, the people we attract, the people who actually want to be with us are usually a reflection on ourselves.
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Old 04-23-2007, 07:56 AM   #4
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Re: Shyness, Low self esteem.

You are saying you feel you cannot offer anything to her. Well that's not true. You can always offer your FRIENDSHIP. A friendship is a wonderful gift.

 
Old 04-23-2007, 09:57 PM   #5
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Re: Shyness, Low self esteem.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher View Post
Ironically, you're actually doing a lot of things right without even realizing it or meaning to LOL Girls are really dumb. Especially attractive ones who are used to having guys chase after them. This girl is probably intrigued by your seeming disinterest and reticence. She's probably wondering, "Hmmmm, what is it with this guy? Why isn't he slobbering all over me?" It's probably driving her nuts.

Really, it's all about attitude. There are plenty of unemployed, unmotivated, sad sack type of guys who can easily find girlfriends. But then, the people we attract, the people who actually want to be with us are usually a reflection on ourselves.

Gypsy - I had to say thank you for the laugh!
It's so funny, but so true! She's probably saying to herself.....hmmmm
how can I find out, what REALLY makes this guy tick! He's so mysterious!
But really, change your situation! Look for a job! Get motivated, maybe start exercizing. That will build your confidence and self esteem. Take the first step, just say hi! What's the worst that could happen?

 
Old 04-23-2007, 11:24 PM   #6
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Re: Shyness, Low self esteem.

Not to Hate, but I will put my 2 sense in anyway. I have a friend that is very similar to our boy her. I personally see no hope for him or my friend unless there is some kind of dramatic paradigm shift...that does not seem like it is going to happen willingly. So if it is not willingly it will be up to fate to decide. Not to be the downer but nothing I could say would change a closed mind. Good Luck.

 
Old 04-24-2007, 01:40 AM   #7
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Re: Shyness, Low self esteem.

I'm in pretty well the same boat. I just turned 23. I've never so much as held a girl's hand. High school was a horrible experience and I never bothered with college. Now I manage a retail store and barely get by while still living with my dad.

When it comes to girls, I'm as clueless as a typical 10 year-old. Then again, I see a lot of girls around my age these days, and the partying and promiscuity that goes on makes me sick. If I happen to see a girl who I don't get that vibe from, it feels like a physical block is preventing me from trying to meet her. I know I suffer from social anxiety, especially around the opposite sex, but the general public just sees that as me being weak instead of having a disorder. I will admit that I don't agree with a lot that goes on in our society, but even if I didn't have all those inhibitions, I'd still have the disorder.

Due to the social anxiety, I suffer from depression. Some days are worse than others, but I can't remember the last time I had a completely good day. For example, my favourite team just won Game 7 of their NHL playoff series. I was euphoric when the final buzzer came, but here I am later on without anybody to celebrate with, and I feel empty and sad.

The average person would tell me to "get out there and meet people", as if it was just that easy for me to do. I've tried medication and I cannot afford therapy (which I probably wouldn't do anyway as I have severe trust issues with people in general).

The older I get, the worse I feel about my social life, or complete lack thereof....and the more ridicule I would be subject to if any acquaintances I have found out just how much I have never experienced in my life.

 
Old 04-24-2007, 11:42 AM   #8
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Re: Shyness, Low self esteem.

Van, I understand depression and anxiety. There were periods in my life when I was completely agoraphobic (unable to leave my house). The truth is, the only way to fight it IS to just get out there and meet people. When you have bad social anxiety, it's like you have to learn how to walk all over again - mentally. The more you get out there and show yourself that you can do it and that you're not afraid to do it, the more you stretch and strengthen your mental muscles. It is sad to just sit back and know that life is going on all around you. But the only one holding you back is yourself, and the only one who can save you is yourself. It's all to you
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Old 04-24-2007, 11:57 AM   #9
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Re: Shyness, Low self esteem.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Van_27 View Post
I'm in pretty well the same boat. I just turned 23. I've never so much as held a girl's hand. High school was a horrible experience and I never bothered with college. Now I manage a retail store and barely get by while still living with my dad.

When it comes to girls, I'm as clueless as a typical 10 year-old. Then again, I see a lot of girls around my age these days, and the partying and promiscuity that goes on makes me sick. If I happen to see a girl who I don't get that vibe from, it feels like a physical block is preventing me from trying to meet her. I know I suffer from social anxiety, especially around the opposite sex, but the general public just sees that as me being weak instead of having a disorder. I will admit that I don't agree with a lot that goes on in our society, but even if I didn't have all those inhibitions, I'd still have the disorder.

Due to the social anxiety, I suffer from depression. Some days are worse than others, but I can't remember the last time I had a completely good day. For example, my favourite team just won Game 7 of their NHL playoff series. I was euphoric when the final buzzer came, but here I am later on without anybody to celebrate with, and I feel empty and sad.

The average person would tell me to "get out there and meet people", as if it was just that easy for me to do. I've tried medication and I cannot afford therapy (which I probably wouldn't do anyway as I have severe trust issues with people in general).

The older I get, the worse I feel about my social life, or complete lack thereof....and the more ridicule I would be subject to if any acquaintances I have found out just how much I have never experienced in my life.
Mmmm, thanks for that reply. I would say 99% of what you just said sums me up ( i thought i was reading a paragraph of my biography ) except you have a job. Im probably wrong in asking for relationship advice as its my mental/emotional problems that is holding me back from doing normal things although i am really lonely and do have a desire for female companionship. I understand what you mean with the average person giving advice, they cant because they arent experiencing our state of mind so theyre advice is subjective to there perception on the world.

Medication didnt really help me, just masked things over. A lifestyle change like some suggested would help but i dont have the motivation, desire or mental strength to sustain a routine of healthy activities. I went to therapy but i felt disconected and derealised from everyone their and just got really tired from the anylising and it was a massive strain and taxed me severly to where i couldnt go back.

Also the trust thing yeah, a complete stranger listening to you speak wouldnt benefit me in any way. Although i havent spoken to anyone about anything in many years, i could be too far gone to fix maybe im psychotic i dont feel any emotions in the day or night at all just a blank page, like a calm sea. My evulation of myself is very dire, i dont value myself the same as other human beings rather an alien or ameba(sp?) bacteria thingie heh.

I do have suicidal thoughts quite alot but i also have a will to live just incase in the future things might change and i can experience some happyness. I was pretty normal in high school although shy but not of this magnitude. Only since i isolated myself after high school i went into the downward spiral. I guess this is what happens to prisoners in solitary confinement after some years.

Like samuel said a change that is forced maybe could help but i dont have contact with many people so how could my life be influenced like that? Hmm i dunno whats wrong with me.

Mmm. Meh im sorry i asked the question at the start but it shouldnt be in relationships i guess. But thanks for the replys. Later.

 
Old 04-24-2007, 12:22 PM   #10
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Re: Shyness, Low self esteem.

I have anxiety and depression too, but I got that for different resons. Your real young, so you shouldn't be taking every little thing you do so seriously. Even if your by yourself, try and make the best out of it. That should be a start. Don't think negative all the time. That's what the doctors told me on my anxiety. Try and always have a positive outlook on everything you do. You go to get over not being able to talk to people. Specially girls. if you don't do this for you, who will? You got to love yourself well enough not to let yourself keep going down hill. Take baby steps to better your social life, atleast you will be trying. You can do this, don't let no1 tell you u can't. Not even yourself. I hoped I helped you.

 
Old 04-24-2007, 06:49 PM   #11
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Re: Shyness, Low self esteem.

It's not just my anxiety and depression keeping me down. It's the way I view society. As mentioned, I find promiscuity repulsive (I don't think I could be with a girl who has had multiple partners at my age or any partner outside of a serious relationship), and in general, I am out of touch with people in my age bracket. I don't care who is at the top of the music charts, I don't watch mainstream television, I don't bother with websites like facebook and *******. My feeling is that there isn't much self-respect among today's youth and young adults. I should have been born in the 1930s.

I should also make it clear that I've tried to "get out and meet people", but it just isn't that simple. I've tried the bar/club scene, and not only does the atmosphere turn me off, so does the crowd who just go to get drunk and have a "good time" that I would never see as fun. Unfortunately, I also live in a small city, where there really isn't any other crowd other than the one that gets drunk, stoned and has sex with whatever moving object is closest to them.

I make my living in the sports industry. Finding a nice girl who is as enthusiastic about sports as I am has worse odds than finding a needle in a haystack.

Last edited by Van_27; 04-24-2007 at 06:56 PM.

 
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Old 02-22-2011, 04:37 AM   #12
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Re: Shyness, Low self esteem.

You say that you are not promiscuous and don't want to meet people in a bar or club because of drinking, etc. You sound like you have specific morals about personal behaviour so have you thought about going to church? It sounds like you have more in common with people who are Christians. You don't have to be a Christian to go to church. I started going with my aunt to the church I went to as a child but I went initially just to be with people of like minds, with morals similar to mine. You can just go to church to meet people, although some churches do push you to become a Christian but you might find one that isn't pushy. Also, just start saying hello or good morning to people you pass in stores or even on the street. Just look them in they eye and say 'Hi, how are you?' or just Hello. Or just smile. I have been doing that and I feel much more at ease meeting people I don't know.

If you don't want to try church, do you have any hobbies or activities that you enjoy? Maybe you could find a group of people with the same interests that you could join. Go once and if you don't like it don't go back. Also, keep telling yourself that you don't care if people like you or not. If they like you, great, if not, don't waste your time or energy on them. Also, don't beat yourself up. You are fine just the way you are. You need to work on that and learn to like yourself. Even though you don't think much of yourself right now, that's something you can work on. It isn't easy but it can be done.

Take care
Pam

 
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