Days 24 and 25....very rough days.....
Wow. Yesterday made 25 days being smoke-free for me.
And it was a really rough day.
The last time I quit smoking, I remember when I approached week four, it was Hell. I dunno why. I am approaching week four right now, and I STILL dunno why I'm having such a difficult time. Yesterday was very bad. Allow me to try to explain what I'm feeling now, as opposed to what I was feeling when I had my last cigarette.
I am not craving a cigarette. That's not the correct terminology. I had TRUE cravings the first three days. The feeling o: "If I don't have a puff on a cigarette RIGHT NOW, I am going to rip someone's head off," type of feeling. Or the feeling of: "I am upset and anxious and irritable and light-headed and I KNOW FOR A FACT that a drag on a cigarette will stop ALL of those things from happening to me."
You know what I'm talking about. You've all been to that point.
But what I'm experiencing now is NOT that feeling. What I'm feeling now is this: "I don’t feel like my self. Something isn’t quite right. There is a void – an emptiness.”
The last time I experienced that, I also endured a bout with depression. This time around, I knew what to expect just about now and that’s why I’m still taking Wellbutrin. And while the Wellbutrin is helping tremendously with the depression, there is still a gnawing feeling – always there just under the surface – that something isn’t quite right. Something is amiss.
Like I said, yesterday was very bad. The day before that was even worse. I was snappish and tearful, upset with myself that I was upsetting my family and co-workers with my out-of-character behavior, and I felt out of control. By yesterday afternoon I knew that I had to do something to get some relief. I seriously thought of buying a pack of cigarettes and smoking a few, “Just to take the edge off.”
Right. Uh huh. That was my downfall the LAST time I “quit” smoking, so I know that that isn’t an option for me. “Just one,” will lead to smoking full-time again. But I had to do something. So, I found something to help me until I get past this four-week mark, and it worked for me yesterday.
I went to the grocery store and bought a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream. I put 1 tablespoon into a cup of coffee, and sipped on that all afternoon. When I took the first sip, I instantly felt a warm rush to my limbs and face – much as what I experienced when I took a drag on a cigarette. After about 20 minutes, I felt myself returning to my “normal” self.
And that’s how I got through yesterday.
This morning I put my 21mg patch on, and I’m sitting here drinking my morning coffee – (And, NO! There’s no Bailey’s in it!!) -- and I’m fine, thus far. Nothing like I was the past two mornings. I’ll see how it goes the remainder of the day.
Now, for those sanctimonious people out there who may be reading this, thinking that I’m trading one bad vice for a worse bad vice, shut your pie holes. I am not a drinker. Perhaps once a month I’ll have a Rum-and-Diet-Coke when going out to dinner, and ONE of those nearly knocks me on my butt. I am NOT turning into a lush. I am simply learning as I go here, and trying to overcome this nicotine addiction the best I can.
And anything I can find to help me do that is okay with me. I just need to journal all of this so that I can re-read my posts to remind me of how far I have come in this journey. Tuesday will be the bittersweet Four Week mark – bitter in that I know that I will either smoke that day and become a smoker again, or somehow make it through and continue the fight – sweet in that I’ll be proud of myself that I will have made it Four Weeks.
Wish me luck, people. I intend to do whatever it takes to make it through that Four-Week mark.