My fiance's chewing tobacco habit is ruining our relationship (long but please read) - Smoking Cessation Message Board

ilovejay · 04-22-2007, 04:55 PM

Hi everyone,

I am on this board because I need some advice..here is my shortened story..

I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 1/2 years. He is 38 and I am 30. When we started dating he hid that he chewed. He would even drive in a seperate car when we went to work. (we work at the same casino) So..I then knew he chewed and it bothered me. About a year ago I was going to get braces and Jason always persueded me to do so. I said I would get them if he made a deal with me..to fix his teeth and stop chewing. We shook on it and he said he would quit.

So his teeth are nasty. He has been chewing for 26 years. He also smokes. He says chewing relaxes him and he does it 2-3 times a day. His teeth are all yellow and stained and I am embarresed when he meets new people like family and friends. My fiance is an attractive guy but the teeth discust me. I have perfect white teeth now. His teeth will stand out when we have our wedding and I will have to do all black and white photos!
I have already had to 'photoshop' his teeth in pictures where we are close up.

We are getting married in 5 months and to me, chewing is ruining our relationship. We hardly have sex because he chews at night when we are in bed. I can't get close to him, I obviously cannot kiss him, I cant even put my head on his chest while watching T.V because it smells like a mixture of dirt and dirty ***. I have to arrange my day of when I can be close to the man I love.

Jasons son has cried to him about quitting. Jasons family has begged him and asked me to please try to get him to stop. I have showed him photos of people with their gums filled with cancer and nothing fases him. He isn't worried about cancer or anything. I even got him fake tobacco to try.

I just don't know what to do. He continue to chews and seems like he doesn't want to quit even though it is hurting his health, our lives and will effect our soon to be marriage. When I try to talk to him about how it is making me see him differently, and he discusts me, he ignores me for days.

What can I do, if anything?

Trish M&M · 04-22-2007, 05:10 PM

The short answer is no.....there's nothing you can do for someone else's addiction. He is the only person in this whole wide world who can make the decision to give it up. It seems you've been very encouraging and I admire you for that. It's like the ole' saying: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

And a piece of advice -- altho I know you didn't ask -- but that doesn't generally stop me

I'd give really, really SERIOUS thought to proceeding w/ this marriage. The way things are now, I think you're both gonna be in for a world of trouble. Think about it: he disgusts you. Why would you want to marry someone you find disgusting?!? Don't mean to urinate on your parade, but this sounds like a train wreck.

I sorry things are like they are for you all and I sincerely hope it'll somehow work out.

ilovejay · 04-22-2007, 05:46 PM

He only grosses me out when he chews..and that is always before we go to bed and I want to snuggle..but can't. I see him at work, at his bar, and he looks so sexy and attractive..I then wait at home for him, he walks in the door with a protruding lip, and my libido went from 10 to 0.

I have been crying to him all day today, telling him our our sex life sucks and that all I want to do is love the man I want to marry. He is ignoring me and says that I am the one that is doing all of this fighting. It seems he enjoys the satisfaction of the nicotine far more than the satisfaction I would get if he were to have better health, better teeth, and a better marriage. Something is very very wrong here.

I have never been addicted to a thing in my life, so I just dont understand. I do know that people have vices. Everyone does things that may hurt them in the long run..but for him to not care that this will hurt our relationship really bothers me. He says I have to deal with this and he will not quit and that yes, he did lie when he said he would last year.

DeadFish · 04-22-2007, 09:14 PM

Hello,
Well, since you asked....
I'm in agreement with Trish, completely, and your second post added fuel to the fire. Life is a train-wreck enough without taking on someone who cares about a *habit* more than you.
Re-read that last sentence: "He says I have to deal with this and he will not quit and that yes, he did lie when he said he would last year."
Do some serious thinking about what 'love' means. In my book (in its current form) it means putting the person you love, first! He must love himself most!
If someone does not respect you enough to give you the truth, do you really want to 'settle' for that?
I'm sorry if I come out rough on the guy, but when my first marriage ended after 15 years, I don't think either of us knew the 'truth' of our relationship anymore.
My dear wife of 6 years marriage, but 13 'together' knows I'll tell her no lies and I'll accept none. None. Life is too short, and I demand more respect than that.
I'll admit, I had a counselor help me hammer this together way back at the divorce, but it has helped me hold my head higher ever since.
Hold out for love; accept no substitutes.
And I'm not making any promises, but if Jason were to see you as serious as I mean, he might think twice about that habit. And if he doesn't, well, he is breathing your air and wasting your time!
Best wishes on a difficult affair of the heart!
DeadFish

Memaw649 · 04-22-2007, 11:09 PM

Hi ilovejay,
Darlin' there is nothing you can do to make him stop!!
He is an addict. Nicotine is his drug.
He will not stop until he wants to stop. Can you live with this?
He cannot help it. Until he gets help for his addiction you will just have to put up with it or else you will have to get out of the relationship. One of the two. Your choice.

Tell him there is a new drug out that will help him if he wants to quit. Chanitx helps people get over the nicotine addiction. It helped me and lots of others on this board. But he needs to go see a doctor for this.

In the mean time, has he seen a dentist lately? He can get his teeth whitened or bonded. Would that make you feel better about him?

I think I would draw the line to chewing in bed!! I never smoked in bed and there is no reason to chew in bed!! Tell him to spit that stuff out before he gets in the bed. He'll get used to it after a while.

Good Luck to you and to Jason!!

Memaw