I don't know what to do now - Smoking Cessation Message Board

mel1977 · 07-03-2009, 01:46 PM

I have always been a strong person-if I made a decision to do something, I was almost always successful. Until now.
I started smoking when I was 16. At one point I got up to 2 ppd, but mostly just about 1.
At another point I was a little overweight. I was 160 lbs. I made the decision to lose the weight at I got down to 125. I was still smoking. I got married in 2003-the wedding never should have happened but it did-too stubborn to not go through with a relationship that wasn't ever that good. So, needless to say unhappy most of the time and living 1500 miles away from my family. In 2004 I quit smoking after 10 years, I was 26. I had back surgery, hubby was fired, gained 20 pounds, moved home. Good things did happen though-wasn't all bad. In December we decided to separate which was a good move for us and we are happier for it, I thought. I don't miss HIM. But something is missing in ME. I weigh 155 and am unhappy with that, but I can't get my ars in gear to lose the weight any more-AND, I picked up smoking again after 4 years. I know I don't want to-my dad died from mets cancer last August, part of which was lung. He smoked with his 02 on until he couldn't. I don't get why I did this-I do have friends who smoke, but up until the past month, it didn't bother me. I don't know if not being with hubby allowed me to start again bc I don't have him to tell me no. I don't know. Now, he is actually smoking off and on too.
I am so disappointed in myself. I know the problem is I broke my own rule and a rule I would tell others about being successful in their cessation. You can't even have ONE-first it was out with drinks, then at a friends house. I had left overs one night after going out and smoked them. Yesterday, It moved to smoking at work,then I broke my rule about not smoking in my car.
I don't think i'd do so in the winter cause that is just not gonna happen. I am not that dedicated. I KNOW I need to stop, but for some reason, my stubborness of stopping isn't happening. I am not dating, maybe if I were with a person who meant something to me and didn't smoke it would help. I don't know. Maybe the problem is I DON'T CARE??? I would rather smoke if I think that would make me lose weight, but that is so vain. SO VAIN! I would hurt my sister and my grandparents. They were SO PROUD OF ME when I quit.
I am 31-and I feel just unhappy. Could that be it? I don't know.

hopetofeelwell1 · 07-03-2009, 08:04 PM

Hi Mel--Please don't be so hard on yourself! You are only human, and you are just getting over being part of an unhappy relationship and breaking up that same unhappy relationship. It has left a void in your life, even if it was a crummy part of your life it was filled with something. Also, when you're smoking that's filling something in your life too. You need time to heal from things, one thing at a time and also don't forget being involved in your father's illness, too. I know myself I have the tendency to want to put things in boxes in my life to make them easier to deal with, but unfortunately in my life things kind of run together and I get all balled up. Is there a support group in your area to help with the smoking-quitting thing? That might help. Have you spoken to anyone regarding these losses in your life? That might help also. This board is great for support and has helped me numerous times. You've gone back to smoking. So you know what? You have acknowledged that this might not be for you because you have some smoke-free time that you got used to. Please don't be hard on yourself. When the time is right you will go at the quit again. Each time we stop we have learned something new about ourselves. I will say a prayer that you have some peace. I don't know if I've been helpful, but I'm glad I got the chance to chat with you. Take care & God bless--Hopeto

mel1977 · 07-04-2009, 12:20 AM

thank you so much-I have had so many hills in the past few months. Getting used to being alone, friends coming into and out of my life, living alone and dealing with managing money, time, my home, two dogs (which I am now 100% caring for-those days where he would get up and let them out are gone). I have such stress at work and such long hours (I wish I could, but can't tell you my profession). I am waiting to find out if I get into a program which has a limiting number of students, my back surgery wasn't bad, but I have other issues with my upper back. My sleep is horrible, meaning I sleep too much-no motivation to do anything. And I am NOT enjoying being single. My friends say "go out, have fun, date!" yeah, I went on my first date last week and though I thought it was great-my warm fuzzies are now barely warm. I don't know if it is him, or me. I hate not dating-I thought I'd have more interest and I am finding none.
I do need to talk to someone. I think I get some crisis counseling free through work-not many sessions but at least a few to get me on track.
I am so hard on myself-always have been and the one person who always made me feel good is gone-my parents divorced 28 years ago, so it isn't that, but my dad was the emotional one of the two and I grew up with mom. I had an off again on again relationship with dad. I miss him.
You were helpful and your words really did make me feel better. I have two of you know whats left, I am going to hopefully stop there. I am going to tell my friend that I don't want to smoke anymore. But, the nicotine and hand to mouth habit has already started it's grasp and I am hoping I can be strong enough to stop it there. I had a new car that was my first never to be smoked in-and I screwed that up. I hate that. (you can't tell though, but I KNOW).
I am hoping for a good Holiday, please, let it be a good day.
thank you again so very very much