Newbie... stressed?? depression?? I DON"T KNOW.. confused & lost & hurt
At this point I don't know WHAT I feel... except lonely, sad, confused, and stuff. How do i know if i'm depressed or just stressed or just anxiety or just messed up with no word for it???
yes, life can be worse.... but it's taking it's toll on me right now... and all I feel like doing is sitting here and crying.... I hae a 3yr old and a 5yr old... and it's not fair to them... I go back next month for custody hearing vs their father... my divorce is not final yet..... i'm 26yrs old, can't find a job during "school hours" that i need since no one will help watch my kids except my mom a few hours after my daughter gets out of school... i only have the child support each week... nothing else... i try every day to apply for jobs in hopes..... I live with my mom who is a bit (a lot) of a control freak even though she doesn't really realize it... i have a fully retarded twin sister (oxygen cut off at birth) that's here at home with a trachiotamy & stomach peg... I have to help take care of her..... i just found out that where my dad is buried (died from cancers & tumors when i was 12) he has no head stone b/c my mom couldn't afford it then... even though he was in the Navy, and he's due his free one, she dind't want to b/c they wouldn't do it how she wanted.... and I have been seeing a wonderful man I gave my heart and more too... we planned on being married, planned on my kids and I moving down there next summer with him, shared dreams together...... he's in a very hard time with a MEAN MEAN MEAN custody case with his kids... i mean it's BAD MEAN........... he's stressed out with holiday sanyway , we live 2 hours apart... and we (kids & I ) spent this past Sat-Tues with him..... I got very bad vibes from him.... and now seemingly all of a sudden... he's not "exactly" breaking up with me... but we're not "exactly" together......... he hasn't usedthe words breaking up ... but to MY way of seeing it..... it is. I am confused and sad and hurt very badly because of this............ my chest heaves ...... myheart breaks........ i have this horrible pain in my left side of my neck behind my ear that near knocks me to my knees...... he says we could maybe still work, but he has to do things on his own for now...... he shoves everyone away when he's like this... and i love him so much..... he won't talk straight either.... yes i know it's a lot to accept from just him...
That's the big big thing the past few days anyway.... the other stuff is not mild mind you. My mom and I got into a major fight several weeks ago... she smacked me told me to get out, tried to bite me, spit in my face, etc... called my older sister (43) she got ******, she told my 5yr old if i left she'd call the cops on me... which she can't do.... and just so much... no i have no where else to go... i'm very grateful she has taken my kids and I in with no rent, etc..... I don't know about anything much anymore.
I love my kids to no end.. and i'd die for them in a heart beat...... sometimes i feel horrible thinking my life would have been easier without them. OH... I did forget to mention... I had a miscarraige on September 11th of this year. My boyfriend never really talked about it at all after that... I've had to cope with that totally on my own... my poetry helped lots.... and then September 17th my grandmother died (she was 91).... honestly that helped me with the loss of my baby.......... but ......
I sit here wanting to cry... confused..... my neck aches..... i dont' want to DO anything... i know if i keep busy that'd make time go by faster and that'd help heal things... and maybe things between he and I better... or make more sense... or something.... I'm hungry sometimes.... but i don't want to eat... i know i should... but the thought of it makes me scheeve. I've drunk about 3/4 of a single serving size of grapecranberry juice today.... i have a cough and every time i cough i feel like i'm going to throw up... i literally start to heave.....
my mom and a few other poeple lecture me about how ii'm too good for him and how i don'twant that in my life anyway, etc...... which is NOT what i want or need to hear right now. I'm still insured with my "ex" (ok not legally yet... we're working on that)..... but he got a new job, and insurance hasn't switched over yet...... i want to find someone to talk to about things.... i know i need help.... i get angry with my kids so fast too... i accidentally pushed my son down the other day ... i think i need help with anger too... it builds up inside of me............ i dont' have any friends around here..... i talk to my kids, my mom, and my 21yr old niece who is pregnant and grouchy... she's due 2 weeks before I would be due... and where as i'm excited for her.. it's very hard.
Right now i feel like i'd be better if somehow only he'd say we'd be fine... that we'd work through this..... and just needs the time by himself for court and all that....... i could handle that a lot better ....... i just hate this .. i hate everything about this and more.... and i have no one to turn to at all.... and that's hard.... any suggestions???
Re: Newbie... stressed?? depression?? I DON"T KNOW.. confused & lost & hurt
no wonder you are stressed you are going threw so much to be so young i to am stress im not going threw as much as you and when i started serving the LORD i lost all my friends (but id never make a change to not sreve him tho) so i get real lonly iam married but still alone he works all the time if you would like to talk further you can email me just let me know i feel your pain hun and will keep you in my prayers
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Last edited by moderator2; 11-28-2005 at 05:44 AM.
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Re: Newbie... stressed?? depression?? I DON"T KNOW.. confused & lost & hurt
I recently joined this message board because I too have been at my wits end. I have had terrible things happening to me on a monthly basis for the past 13 months....3 pets have died....3 more have been seriously sick....a pyro came to my neighborhood and set 11 fires within 3 weeks, one of which was in my neighbors' yards and embers were raining on our roof....a storm came through and flooded our home....my 16 year old brother was in a car accident....carbon monoxide readings in my home....just terrible things. I was seriously paranoid and suffering from anxiety. I needed someone to talk to, or just listen. Once everything came out, I felt a lot better. Plus my Birth Control Pills were lessened to "mini" pills. I believe the absense of hormones has helped my mood incredibly. For the first time in 7 years, I finally feel happy and in control.
Now to help you. I lived with my mom for a while (I don't have kids) and it was majorly stressful. It affected everything around me and how I dealt with issues. I learned that the sooner you can get out, the better things will be. You won't have nasty feelings towards anyone and vice versa. I don't necessarily endorse welfare, but in some cases, I feel it is needed. Are you currently receiving aid from the state? I know you mentioned child support, but sometimes there are other things the state can help with. I know that in most cases, they will pay child care for you. I helped my mom out. When my brother was 12, she worked and had no one to care for him, so I watched him and the state payed me to do it. You can check into it, and if a friend or relative is willing, they may get payed to watch your two children. Your mom may even be able to get payed for it. If not, the welfare office can help you locate a baby sitter or childcare facility.
About your man. A man should never be the heart of your problems. Especially before you live together. It sounds to me, like you BOTH are going through a bout of seperation issues from past relationships, and dealing with custody issues. Perhaps, you guys should slow down things until the court dates are out of the picture, allow some time to deal with the nasty things, then continue with future plans. He may be having a hard stressful time with trying to deal with that and then making plans with someone else right now. It doesn't mean it is the end of the world for the two of you, and I know it is hard but maybe you should slow down a little. Maybe even though he hasn't brought up the miscarriage, he may be dealing with it too. Grief and stress have a crazy way of swimming around in people and affecting how they act. It sounds like he loves you very much and if he hasn't said that he wants to break up, maybe he just needs a little time to sort through things.
You have a lot going on right now. Try to do something enjoyable. If someone is willing to watch the kids, go out with the girls (neice, neighbor, whoever), or to a movie, or take up yoga. There are so many things out there that can ease pain, if you can find the motivation. I have had times where I just want to sit down and mope. Poetry is a life saver. I don't think I would have made it through my high school years without it. Try focusing more on that if it helps. Watch a comedy on TV. Find something that will help in any way. If you are having anger issues, perhaps you can talk to a doctor and see what they say. I don't feel medicine is always the best answer, but maybe a psychologist or something could be all it takes. I couoldn't afford therapy, so I found this web site instead. It helped a lot.
Dealing with the loss. I don't think anything that anyone says can help with it. I only have pets (who are like my children) and when I lose them, nothing anyone says makes me feel better. There are people out there that can help or offer a friend to talk to, only they can be tricky to find. I suggest looking into it, and don't foget, you can always continue writing in here. Good luck to you.