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Old 11-16-2006, 01:51 PM   #1
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smeggle HB User
totally stresses out

i feel like everything around me is falling apart and there is nothing i can do about it. over a period of 12 months i was bullied at work now i am off on stress leave waiting for a investigaton and i feel like i am the one who is being punished for it. I am the one at home and the 2 bullies are still working. i ahve no support from other work collegues as somw of them are a scared as me. am so down that i cant eat, sleep, and feel pretty crap. i dont wnat to go back top work i want to quit my job which i have had for over 11years and i used to love my job now i dont and my husband even though he is supportive he wants me to fight them, be strong and dont let them win.he is so angry for what has happened that when i try to talk to him he gets really upset, that i feel that i cannot talk to him as this stresses me out even more. But I feel I dont have the strength to do it. Im totally isolated
im seeing a counselor but that is only once aweek. Im having more bad than good days and cant cope, I am so sick and tires of people telling me Im strong that you can do it that you cant have a melt down. why cant i????? for so long i have been strong for everyone else. not letting things get to me now they are. i hate the person i have become its not me at all, people sinfluences have made me think like them,that my beliefs and opinions are forgotten. that i have lost me somewhere and i am struggling to find it back.
why are some people so mean

 
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Old 11-17-2006, 05:47 AM   #2
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: totally stresses out

Quote:
Originally Posted by smeggle
But I feel I dont have the strength to do it. I am so sick and tires of people telling me Im strong that you can do it that you cant have a melt down. why cant i????? for so long i have been strong for everyone else. not letting things get to me now they are. i hate the person i have become its not me at all, people sinfluences have made me think like them,that my beliefs and opinions are forgotten. that i have lost me somewhere and i am struggling to find it back.

Smeggle, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Yeh, I can see why you can't talk to your husband about this. That is all you need is for him to pour out all of his anger about this. Can you increase your counseling to twice per week? Sounds like you have never met your own needs. All of the above that you said makes me think this. Start today in meeting your own needs. If you don't want to fight anymore, then don't! If you want to have a melt down, then do it! It also sounds like your boundaries are not very functional. Above, you say that people have too much influence over what you think. With weak boundaries, there is nothing there to stop this interference from others from crossing and affecting you. You can choose to strengthen your boundaries and then be more of your own person. You can work on all of this in your counseling sessions. People are so mean because you have allowed it. I know this sounds harsh and I'm sorry. When I was growing up I had the same problems. I had weak boundaries and didn't meet my own needs. I would allow people to be mean to me (I know that they are responsible for their actions and that they chose to be mean). I learned, however, that I am responsible for protecting myself and that I cannot leave this job to someone else. Once I realized this, I could protect myself. Of course with this realization, I understood that it is okay for me to protect myself. I think that frequently people like us don't realize that it is okay for us protect ourselves from others. With this change in behavior comes the switch away from a victim (of course with a change away from victim you might have the strength then to fight this. Victims don't have the energy to fight.) Of course all of these problems stem from the conditions that we were raised in. Good luck to you and I will keep reading this post if you have anything else to say.

Last edited by Sannah; 11-17-2006 at 05:52 AM.

 
Old 11-17-2006, 06:32 AM   #3
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Re: totally stresses out

One more thing, smeggle, I am not blaming you for the bullying. These two bullies are totally responsible for their behavior. I just wanted you to see what your role in it was by not believing that you can protect yourself, that you don't have to play the victim role. I hope that this message liberates you like it did me and that it doesn't upset you.

 
Old 11-17-2006, 02:55 PM   #4
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Re: totally stresses out

thanks Sannah, You are not being harsh, I know exactly what you mean, the boundries have been weak and I let then through, but now I need to change this and do it step by step. also I am angry at myself for letting this happen. My ex-husband did the same and it took alot to recover, a good point is that this time I did let it drag on I had to stop it. but like many others i try to see the best in people not their worse. may say i have a big heart and people take advantage of this. I always try to please people first without thinking of me first. I do need to take time out for myself and you have given me a few ideas what to do and its a god one for my husband

 
Old 11-18-2006, 09:10 AM   #5
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Re: totally stresses out

Quote:
Originally Posted by smeggle
also I am angry at myself for letting this happen.
smeggle, you didn't let it happen. This happened to you because of your upbringing and you were not aware of it until someone brought it to your attention. Good luck to you.

 
Old 11-24-2006, 03:38 AM   #6
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ledfoot HB User
Re: totally stresses out

Smeggle,sorry to hear of your problems. I know it is hard and takes alot out of you to stand up to bullies, I had to remove myself from my workplace due to stress when I asked for my complaints about a bully to be investigated.The investigation by senior management upheld my complaint and the bully left my workplace soon after.I felt so disgusted by the lack of support I had from my workplace itself that I decided I didn't want to return there afterwards anyway and got a transfer to another department where I feel much happier to work. A new manager at my old workplace has offered me the opportunity to return even if just for brief periods so I dont lose my skills,but it will be when I feel ready and only then. Although it took alot out of me to stand up for myself,I got to a point where I felt I had nothing to lose and wanted out which for me worked out well. Well done for having the strength to challenge what has been happening to you and I hope the investigation gets you justice and fair treatment.

 
Old 11-24-2006, 04:54 PM   #7
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Re: totally stresses out

thanks ledfoot, spoke to the investigator on wednesday will no the outcome next week, but i keep thinking that they will say there is no bullying. I got so depressed for 2 days that i could have just walked away from everyone. but soldiered on. but even now the thought of going back scares the hell out of me. There maybe a new job coming up so I have my fingers crossed for that. i will keep you all posted and thanks

Last edited by smeggle; 11-24-2006 at 04:55 PM.

 
Old 11-25-2006, 03:36 AM   #8
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Re: totally stresses out

I hope that new job comes up for you, I understand your fears about the investigation.When I complained to my immediate manager she sided with the bully and did not do a proper investigation, so I had to go higher up to the next level manager whose investigation dug up more incidents about the bully which couldnt be covered up and he was dealt with. My sister also walked out of her job because of bullying when she couldnt take it anymore and at the moment she is taking her workplace to a tribunal for unfair dismissal as she was forced to leave because the bullying was being allowed to happen by her manager. We were both made to feel bad and depressed about what happened to us at work,and then we got mad and then decided to get even. Bullies are sick people who target nice people who they think they can walk on, but they misjudged me and my sister, I hope you can get the support to fight your corner.

 
Old 12-21-2006, 03:05 PM   #9
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Re: totally stresses out

Smeggle, what you are going through at work (I know you are on leave now), is against the law in most if not all states. Your employer has a legal requirement to provide you with a safe workplace.

If/When you return there, you need to use a tape recorder to tape them bullying you. You need signed copies of formal complaints to your employer. It has to go to your HR department AND your boss. If you leave it to your boss, nothing may happen. When they investigate, they will ask about or look into past events or complaints.

Get them on recording and it changes everything. No one should have to live through what you are going through.

I had to step in on a similar situation at a location that I did not manage, but they did not have a manager. When I was told what had happened, I immediately fired the Assistant Manager and another employee that was making such a terrible situation for our employee. I will not tolerate and no one else should.

I really hope things get better for you real soon.

 
Old 03-29-2007, 01:41 PM   #10
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Re: totally stresses out

Hi Smeggle. I am totally new to this forum lark but sympathise with you. I am in a bit of a situation at work at the moment also. I manage a small team (I am the younder boss unforunatley and they are at least 10 years older than me) and although they have only been with me for a few weeks (I am new to this) they are giving me hell. I have tried to be a reasonable boss but they insist on being quite abrupt with me and what I consider to be confrontational to me. When I make decisions or even change my mind on how something should be done they fly off the handle with me and make me feel really uncomfortable (they tend to back eachother up also). The irony of it is neither of them have been employed with the company for a year yet (UK you see)! I'm at the point where I am feeling sick when I have to go into work as I don't know what I am going to face in terms of attitudes. If I have to tell them something or change my mind on something then - oh my god, I have to really pluck up the courage before I can do it. I used to really love my job, but since I was joined by my team I am totally anxious and stressed. I've started looking for other work but my seniors want me to hang on in there as they don't want to lose me. What should I do, how do I handle this, can anyone give me some advice please? :confused:

 
Old 03-30-2007, 10:58 AM   #11
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Re: totally stresses out

Hi busterjet, learning how to deal with confrontation is definitely a learned skill and if it can be learned it is very valuable. You have to find your strength to do what you think is right no matter what other's reactions are (if they are just complaining). Most of us who get nervous about stuff like this have some type of history in our families that already made us upset about this stuff. Do you have any history of this? If you can understand where any of your feelings about the past are coming from you can work through this and make it much easier to deal with this stuff in the present.

 
Old 04-22-2007, 01:00 PM   #12
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Re: totally stresses out

honey u have my deepest impathy. It isn't uncommon for a spouse not to understand, especially if the spouse is a man. They r not as emotional as we are. To those who say you can't have a melt down, tell them it's ur melt down u earned it and no one is going to deprive u of it. Melt downs do help as long as no one else gets hurt. As far as the bullies at work, they should be reprimanded in a serious way. I don't know how they bullied you, but it was obviously something serious. If there truly is an investigation about it going on, then you should be able to return to work soon. If you feel you can not return to there, look for another place of employment in the same field. Short of hurting someone...do what you have to do to keep your sanity.

 
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