Very long story. I'm Probably just overreacting to it though.
I'm a 20 year old, Psychology student. At present, I really can't calm down at all. Trouble is, when I'm stressed, it brings out the symptoms of BPD in me more than usual. Currently, my fiance doesn't understand that he can't visit my parents house with me every weekend because my little brother is autistic and anybody in the house whom isn't me or my parents upsets him and he wont leave is room. Him and my friend are pushing me to let my fiance come with me despite an agreement that he made with my parents that he would only come down once per month. So what they are doing is putting me in a really difficult position with my parents, when my relationship with them is already strained.
Adding to that, when I do go home for the weekend, I need to get up at 5am for work; when I get to work, I'm constantly told what I have done isn't good enough and get told off if I tell them I can't do a double shift (19 hrs work). I get barely any contact with supervisors and when I do, I'm just had a go at and then told they have the right to talk to me as they do. I'm expected to run a busy motorway service station shop on my own for 8 hrs, and customers keep moaning at me for being too slow, prices being high and not having enough staff. None of which I have any control over.
The rest of my weekend is spend as a carer to my brother and mother who had an operation over christmas and can't dress herself ect whilst my dad has a rest.
In the past month, I have been diagnosed with Asthma, Aspergers and Borderline Personality Disorder. I've stayed up multiple nights talking close friends out of killing themselves, including my fiance. Another friend I didn't speak to about their problems despite knowing something was wrong, actually did end up trying suicide and is currently in hospital - because I was busy with everyone else. When I started trying to look after my own mental health, people started arguing with me because they thought I weren't interested in them anymore.
I keep seeing people who made the first 16 years my life hell in the street and none of them have grown up and still taunt me and shout things at me. This definately doesn't help. I'm worried that I'm not going to pass this year at Uni, I failed last year because I reported my uncle to the police for abusing me as a kid and told my parents, and was going through police interviews when I was trying to do my coursework. I had to appeal to retry my course because my subject leader didn't take into account that I only failed the coursework I was doing whilst taking part in police interviews, and got 60% in the exams when I sorted my head out. The thought that I will have to see my uncle in the future is stressing me out too.
To make it worse, my psychiatrist hasn't made an appointment with me since November, but my next one is on the 18th of this month.
Oh yeah, the other day, I tried smoking for the first time. It helped me relax for a bit, but then I started to feel stressed and dirty because I'd done something I swore never to do because a lot of family members died as a result of smoking. What do I do?