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Old 07-20-2005, 09:39 AM   #1
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father mean after stroke

My father had a massive stroke a little over a year ago. Physically, he's recovered well. Mentally, not so well. His stroke happened a few days before the first anniversary of my mom's (his wife) death. He's lost his job and most of his "friends". I think it would be abnormal if he *wasn't* depressed. I know that his tendency to be self-centered is a result of the stroke- but he's also become very mean. My two children and I have moved into his home because he can't live by himself. Just recently he called the little one (two year old) a *very* bad name, and slapped him. When I try to talk to him about his behavior he blows up at me. I cannot allow this to continue, but I really don't want to put my dad in any kind of home. Still, my children are my responsibility, as well. My father refuses counseling and refuses medication. Any suggestions on how to handle the personality difficulties?

 
Old 07-20-2005, 11:25 AM   #2
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Re: father mean after stroke

My father passed away about 7 months ago from heart disorders. But he had massive stroke as well, which he had first. He lost all his feelings on one side of his body, but he recovered from the stroke and got all the feeling back and managed to walk about and be fairly normal. But he got very mean. Something that is extremely out of his "normal self" he started using words that I have never heard him say before, called his wife a fat XXX etc, got violent temper etc. Now this was actually not his fault, think about what stroke really is. A blood cloth that rips and kills part of your brain.

 
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Old 07-20-2005, 02:23 PM   #3
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Re: father mean after stroke

So how did you and your family deal with it? I do know it isn't his fault, but sometimes I still get frustrated...did talking to him help?

 
Old 07-20-2005, 05:29 PM   #4
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Re: father mean after stroke

My dad's whole personality changed after his stroke. As time past he developed a meaner side too. At times he wouldn't even let me hug or kiss him anymore, and I was "daddy's girl" all my life.

My dad could no longer speak intelligible words after his stroke with the exception of being able to say s*** as clear as day. This was the oddest thing because prior to his stroke he never swore. He also became very impatient, and he was the most easy going person on the planet before.

Jen, as hard as it is to imagine, your dad just may not be able to tolerate young children now. It may just be too much activity for him to be around, and he may have tolerance issues connected to his stroke. My dad had tolerance issues if there was too many things happening at one time. For instance, he couldn't stand people talking in a room if a tv was going. It seemed to be too much confusion for him to handle. Of course, everyone is different depending on how much damage is done by the stroke, and where the damage occurs.

I'm sorry that you are in such a tough situation. It's hard to know what the best course of action to take for all concerned. Especially when you also have children to consider too. I ended up going to a stroke support group, and that did help. The facilitators of these groups can really give you some good coping tools as well as the people who are also dealing with the same things. Even just being in the company of someone who can relate to the struggles of coping with the aftermath of a stroke helps.

I'm so sorry that your family has had so much to deal with these past couple years, and I hope your dad's health will continue to improve.

Hang in there, Jen....I know the frustrations of this all too well.

Sandi

 
Old 07-20-2005, 07:19 PM   #5
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Re: father mean after stroke

my father also had a stroke about 15 years ago and became very violent and mean my mother would call crying because he was hitting her and pushing her we talked to his doctor about the situation he had a talk with him it helped some he put him on a anxity med it has helped but he does get anery still at times but he no longer hits my mom it is alot to deal with on both sides does he have a doctor that u can talk to about this maybe he can help

 
Old 07-21-2005, 11:29 AM   #6
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Re: father mean after stroke

My thanks to all of you for replying. So sad when someone you love so much is changed in such a way. For some reason I did not think of "over-stimulation" as a cause of dad's agitation. Silly me! But when there's a lot going on, or too many people, etc. he does become more aggressive. I will have to monitor that and watch his reactions to different things. I should have realized that his reactions to stimuli would be similar to those of a child...something to work with! Again, thank all of you!

 
Old 08-24-2005, 05:55 PM   #7
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Re: father mean after stroke

Quote:
Originally Posted by jen_thomson
My thanks to all of you for replying. So sad when someone you love so much is changed in such a way. For some reason I did not think of "over-stimulation" as a cause of dad's agitation. Silly me! But when there's a lot going on, or too many people, etc. he does become more aggressive. I will have to monitor that and watch his reactions to different things. I should have realized that his reactions to stimuli would be similar to those of a child...something to work with! Again, thank all of you!
Hi Jen,

So sorry to hear about your father. You must feel very torn as to what to do considering your children are being affected as well. I seriously consider an assisted living home for your father....

Whether your father understands what he's doing or not--is not as important as the fact that his behavior is really having negative affects on your children. Through your show of concern here, I'm sure you do understand their need for protection.

There are people trained to help those with disabilities, etc...
I'm sure with a little time, he would adjust. This is not about guilt--it's about what's best for everyone.
Realistically,in the long run you will become very stressed, burnt out... and you and your children as well as your father will suffer for it...
your children will also be showing signs of distress...
24 hr. caregiving is difficult and impossible--everyone needs a respite--that's why they staff shift at these types of homes--

When I had breast cancer, we moved my father in law into an assisted living home--there was no way I could take care of him--and the dementia was difficult for my husband to handle... it was extremely stressful. the caregivers were very kind and compassionate...

I know this is a different situation, but the concept is the same--
do what is best not just for your father, but for you and your children.
there are options... a talk with a counselor or psychologist might help you decide what is best...

thanks for sharing and God bless

 
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