How Do I Help My Friend? - Stroke Message Board

Ladylore · 02-15-2009, 03:37 PM

I am at my wits end. My best friend went in for heart surgery, had a stroke and has left side weakness and cannot move her left leg. She spent 21 days in a coma and was placed into a rehab center which now she is back in the hospital due to a bladder infection? Her family and friends are telling her she is doing great and will be walking within a month. I don't see this happening for a long time. My friend wants to find a new rehab center because she feels that the one she was in (for only about 2 weeks) is not helping her fast enough. Someone told her that she needs to use a swimming pool to exercise her legs. (She cannot move her left leg at all and has weakness in her right leg). She has to be lifted out of bed with a Hoyer lift into a wheel chair which she can not move around because of her lack of control with her left hand and leg and needs someone to push her. The rehab took her cath out and she was incontinent for the 2 weeks she was there. I have myself so upset over the fact that she feels that she is letting all the people around her who are telling her she is doing great down because she really hasn't improved all that much. Yes, she has come along way but to tell her she will be walking soon, I feel is wrong and giving her false hope. I want to tell her that since her stroke, life as she knew it has changed and she now has to learn to deal with a new normal for her body and life. I think I understand why her family is telling her she will be walking soon. I believe they don't want to face the new normal for her life as well as their own, but....shouldn't they be telling her the truth and start helping her to deal with the new normal ways that will have to change for them all to deal with. It hurts me to stand by and watch her want to take the easy way out of things such as: it hurts her to eat soft food, since it has been almost 3 months since she has used her jaw muscles, so she just wants protein drinks...no pain works for her...but to me that just means a longer recovery time. Please give me some pointers on how to step back and let her family deal with all these issues that they really don't seem to be doing a good job with. As far as I know they haven't even been asking questions of the doctors...I believe they mean well, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Janatee · 03-20-2009, 08:11 PM

Hello Ladylor... I know just what you are feeling. Last Feb. my sister had a brain tumor. Not to mention very severe problems with her Platelets. Long story short, she had the brain tumor out, then 5 days later she too had a stroke. She is 48 years young. After a month in the hospital she came home with her right arm and hand, hanging... Her fingers would not work at all. Both her legs were weak, but the left one more so. To add insult to injury, her job of 20 years let her go, AND the boyfriend jumped ship!!! Hit me when I'm down!!!! Thank the good Lord she was living with our Mother at the time. After weeks of therapy, of course only so many since insurance will only pay so much.....she had to continue her work outs on her own at home. Day after day, I would call her, to cheer her on. I sent many inspiration cards, and sent out e mails to all my friends and family to pray!!! Many times on the phone I would just let her cry... You need to listen also...In the last 6 months, she has had 6 weeks of radiation on her head.
The first MRI she had after the surgery, has shown clear, with no signs of cancer. Her tumor was a grade 2, low grade glioma. The long hard road has gotten her the ability to lift her right arm, to tie her shoe, to hold her hair dryer when she helps put her fingers around it. Because of the radiation, and low hemoglobin, she is very tired, and has to lay down a lot. She was able to collect unemployment, and then blessed to get SSI Disability. She is still hurting over the loss of the boyfriend, but I tell her he was not the one. I tell her and my Mom, that the body will heal itself, in its own time. Only then will it get back to normal, the new normal... I agree with you, your friends family should find out all the facts first and ask lots of questions, before they tell your friend she is doing great. This gives so much false hope, to anyone. This will be a long hard road for her, and you. The best thing you can do is to be honest, no matter how hard it is. You can research on the net, and find out many things. I have tried to get my sister to attend stroke meetings for moral support, but for some reason, in her area she can't find any. I told her to start her own.. Being with others like ourselves in this type of state, can really help, I believe. Books are good also. Go to the library and get some self help books, or real true life stories of stroke victims. Sister got one, but I do not know the name of it, about a young woman who lived on her own and had a very bad stroke. How she would crawl....up her stairs, and how she fought back, just to survive... These type of stories can bring such hope, to any of us.. No one wants to see love ones hurting, and it really hurts my heart to see her like this. I thank God she is alive, and has a second chance to enjoy her life. If you can support your friend, and be there when she needs you to lean on, that is the best medicine. It will be a long road , but with your help and understanding, she will make it. No matter how long it takes. Good luck to you and your friend. I hope all will turn out for the good. Keep the faith...Janatee