I recently suffered a stroke on January 23rd of this year. I thank my quick acting daughter and grandson for getting me to emergency where I was promptly treated. While my physical appearance belies my condition I suffer almost daily with a sense of fear. My sleep is regularly interrupted because I fear dying while I am sleeping. My medicine has been changed frequently to minimize the dizzyness I often feel. My grandson calls them "spells". I have gone as long as two weeks feeling as though I have finally "turned the corner", only to have a set back in my recovery. I have missed considerable time at work, and fear loosing my health insurance coverage. I feel as though I am working to be sick. Odd choice of words but that is exactly how I feel. Recovery can be long, there are no quick fixes, that is my sensible voice speaking. The illogical voice tells me I may not recover, ever!
This going to be with you for a while. My stroke was 9 months ago and I don't think normal will ever happen again. You're going to have to adjust to the new way things are. I too had a real fear of death upon learning of my stroke. I still do and am getting married in a week and worry I won't live long enough to enjoy it. But I force myself to look at it and say "That stroke could have been my death day and every day after that is a gift I am to enjoy".
The Following User Says Thank You to -CvC- For This Useful Post: Mulchie (03-23-2012)
Hello and welcome. I am very sorry for your stroke and you have come to the right place because here is where all the brave and corageous stroke surviors live and help one another. It is not uncommon for you to be feeling the fear. It is a common thread with surviors. I sat on the side of the bed absolutly frozen in fear to go to sleep for fear I would have another stroke. But then one day I realized I had been saved for a reason. That is why I am still here and I layed down and went to sleep.
You are so new in your recovery Im sorry but you must must give yourself time to heal. I know there are people and circumstances that led us to believe we should be jumping up and getting outselves to work. By my dear friend your brain took a hit that day and it is swollen and needs time to recover. How you are feeling now is not how you will be feeling. Recover takes time and its different for everyone. I was not so lucky to have people take me to the hospital and even when I got there 24 hours later the hospital said you had a stroke and sent me home still in stroke. By the 4th day I was in a wheel chair and now I barley need a cane. You feel like you have hit a wall. Your life completly changes and we re-evaluate our life. First thing you need to do is take care of you and heal. When I read what you wrote about feeling like your doing good and then feeling like your loosing ground again I couldnt help but agree with you and probably everyone on this board will agree with you. Thats the way our recovery seems to go. 3 steps forward and one back but you eventually become stronger and stronger. Rest when your tired, and remember do not fear, when you go to bed remember God Saved you for a reason and thats why your still here. Yoga really helped me alot finding a quite place in your house surround yourself with all the things you love and do the relaxation exercises. Or get a relaxation tape. Honestly this really helps. At first you might go to that favourite spot every hour but eventually you will go once or twice a day. Our state of mind is just as important to exercise as our muscles. Do what ever it takes to create a calm and healing environment. You had a stroke, you need to do this for you so you can heal, get well and then you can get on with the rest of your life. What ever that may be.
Keep posting and let us know how your doing.
God Bless Mulchie
Thank you CVC. It was not my intent to invite you to a pity party, but it was cathartic for me to speak in my real voice regarding my feelings. The idea that my brain is such a beautiful, dynamic organ makes me realize I have all the tool to get 'better.' Not like I was, that was not good. But better. A better Mom, grandmom, sister, friend, colleague. A better listner, more gracious and thoughful and selective with my words. I've learned to give genuine warm greetings and smile more quickly now. So as you can see, I am growing with my stroke limitations. This weekend I am going to travel to watch my 11 yr old grandson play hockey. As I write this I hope I don't have one of my 'spells'. But, I will be with him and I will be so grateful.
Mulchie, thank you for your inspiring words. I traveled this week-end to spend some time with my grandson. I was restless and anxious the whole time. Finally, my grandson told me I spend too much time talking about my health. Just a reminder that God said, "A child shall lead us." But, he was right. While I am not free of my anxiety I know what it is and I can begin to cope with my fear and concentrate on the beauty of each day which I have been given.
My grandson sent me an email, which read in part. "Good morning. Today is an awesome day. Enjoy it. From God."
The Following User Says Thank You to Adebukola For This Useful Post: Joshua480 (03-28-2012)
Oh my gosh what a blessing. You know shortly after my stroke my first grandson was born. He is my saving grace. When he comes into the room I forget I had a stroke. I forget what I can not do. I forget all my fears and worries. When I hold him ( he is a cuddler) all I think about is how great he smells how wonderful he is and how good he feels in my arms. He is one year old now and he still loves to cuddle in grama's arms. Our sweet darlin children and grandchildren. You are soooo right, we can learn so much from them. I just loved your grandsons email. How precious a short little email and it spoke volumes. So glad your switching your focus on more positive things. It will become habit and we push farther and farther away from our fear. So glad your doing good. We are always here if you need us.
God Bless Mulchie
I was so taken by your post. You and I have many commonalities. Our 'events' occurred within days of each other's, I too worry about not being able to keep up the pace at work and losing my job and my health insurance. Oh...and I also have an 11 year old grandchild!
I had a bilateral cerebellar stroke, followed by endless tests and invasions, and was released from the hospital a week following my admission. After about 5 weeks of PT and OT, I was set free. Unless I am overly tired, stressed or am to have more than a half a glass of wine, I appear no different than I did at the beginning of the January. However since a reason for the stroke was never determined I still have feelings of fear and anxiety of another occurrence. I am constantly talking myself out of the belief that the next one will make me a vegetable! Emotionally I am still all over the place and I guess I haven't found my 'new normal' yet.
So I wonder how you have been doing. You are now two months further out since your original post...are you finding yourself moving to the other side of your fears and worries yet? I hope so.
Mulchie said "You know shortly after my stroke my first grandson was born. He is my saving grace. When he comes into the room I forget I had a stroke. I forget what I can not do. I forget all my fears and worries. When I hold him"
Mulchie, I can feel the enthusiasm in your words you type of your grandson. my first grandson was born in 97 5 years after my stroke. and I still feel the way you describe whenever I see him now! he is now 15 years old and the hugs hello and goodbye still thrill me. he'd called me when in kindergarten or first grade? cant remember exactly, after I'd called to ask how he did on a math test? he'd left a message on my answering machine, that went like this.
hi pop-pop it's me um Ryan, I don't know the score on my math test yet, but I love you and miss you. my mommy does too, my daddy does too, Kyra does too, had to mention his dog! ha ha. went on to say "I hope you come up soon. then said "you too grandma." it's the cutest voice I've ever heard, I refuse to delete it from my answering machine, if I live to be 110? it'll still be there! it took me weeks to figure out how to record it, convert it to a MR4 file and download it to my iPhone as his ring tone. but finally got it. I still get that same feeling I got when he first held my finger the day he was born. he is my best friend, my protector, and most of all he is my side-kick whenever he is near me. I'm taking him to Los Vegas in three weeks on vacation after school is out he is in all honors classes in school and has never missed 1 day of school since preschool. he's simply my BUD.
I hope you are doing well in your recovery?
good luck and god bless
happiness is a way of life, not a goal in life, success comes in cans not can'ts
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: coupe goingtorun (05-30-2012), Mulchie (05-29-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to coupe For This Useful Post: goingtorun (05-30-2012)
What a precious gift that grandson is. Your a special person to keep him so close to you for so many years. I can hear how proud you are of him. He is your shinning star, your beaken of light. And we draw so much strength from them. Thank you for telling me about your grandson. While I was reading it I cried because I know that feeling, I know how blessed we feel to have someone in our life so special. My grandbaby was here tonight and when I sing to him he sings back to me. He shares his snacks with grandma, he comes over and climbs up on my knee almost to say, I havent forgotten about you grama. When I say to him "say your prayers" his little chubby hands go together and its just the most dearest picture.
Oh yes they are blessings. I enjoyed your post Coupe. Thank you
God Bless Mulchie
I had to jump in on this wonderful collection of the very tidbits of life that are what we do live for, and how lucky are we to realize what precious gifts we have in our lives.
I must say, as I have many times before, that it is the journey back from strokes, that you learn so many wonderful things about daily life, the importance of the smallest things, and the ability for us to conquer all we want to.
ps. I have to add a little story about my own son from Memorial Day. We had to go the the National Cemetery to pay our respects to my mother and father who were recently laid to rest there. My son never let his hand leave me, whether he was stroking my hair, or holding my hand as I cried like a baby. At 18 years old, I find him to always know the right thing to do when I am weak.