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Old 07-31-2004, 10:40 PM   #1
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Brookefern HB User
SIDS parent

This is my 1st time on this board and I am posting to search for other SIDS parents I can talk to. [ removed ]

I lost my baby girl on 1/7/04, she was born 10/7/04-only 3 months old. I was wondering if anyone had any of the same things happen with their SIDS baby that I did. 1st scare was during pregnancy, I had an ultrasound that showed that she had a 2 vessel umbilical cord instead of a 3, also there was extra fluid in the womb. She was born fast and not breathing, they revived her and she spent a couple of days under oxygen. She never had any issues other than being slow to gain weight after that. She was a little girl as she never outgrew her 0-3 month clothing. She slept through the night at about 5 days old and was a very happy baby. Oh yeah, she did have a problem with constipation. She had rolled onto her stomach on a bed at the babysitters house when she stopped breathing I was told.

I am having a harder time with this almost 7 months later, than I did in the begining. I think because I want another baby, but things have gone downhill in my family's life so it is not possible anytime soon. I would love to hear other parent's stories if they would like to share.

Last edited by moderator2; 08-01-2004 at 08:53 AM. Reason: Welcome to our message boards. Please carefully review the posting rules because we enforce them. It is not allowed to post other chat rooms. Use this board anonymously, only. Thank you!

 
Old 08-13-2004, 11:16 AM   #2
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excaliburgrl HB User
Re: SIDS parent

hi, sorry about your loss...i lost my darling April in april of 2000....but none of the things you mentioned coincided with my story...my daughter was born 8 weeks early but she quickly became the size of a normal baby...she was a day shy of being 4 months old...and it was the first time she slept on her tummy as well....
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Old 08-17-2004, 07:05 PM   #3
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besafe20 HB User
Re: SIDS parent

Hello I am not a sids parent but I do have a 6 month old. I am so sorry for your losses as this is something parents worry about. I just wanted to know if your babies died while sleeping on their stomachs or if it happened on their backs. My MIL says my son is past the risky age and he can sleep on his stomach now, but I am not so sure.

 
Old 08-20-2004, 06:03 PM   #4
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Angel77 HB User
Re: SIDS parent

Hi Brookefern,

I am not a sids mother either, nor have I lost a child. But, at 27 have lost a bro, sis, father, friends, other family, etc. to the tune of about 45...so, in my time, I learned a little about grief.

I wish I could say that things were going to get better. But, by now, I'm guessing that all those who rallied around you to support you have moved on with their lives and expect that you should have done the same by now. Right? It makes it even more painful that they can wrap up their grief, put it aside and go on with life, when even on your best days, there's no way to pack it away.

You need help more now, than ever. People seem to expect that grief should have a time table, most feel 6-12 mos being ideal to get up and move on. You will not move on, you will move around and down a road you will refuse to take many times. Your life has changed, you have changed and your heart has broken. No one can match a bond to a child that a mother has....not even dad. We know that baby inside and out the minute we know we are carrying a child. That never changes, whether we lose our baby before it is born, shortly after, or at any point from there on out.

It hurts in different ways. I lost my brother a year and a half after finding him. I let life get in the way and took for granted that he would always be there for me. He wasn't. When I was at the funeral, people hugged me and said, "At least you didn't get to know him well enough to miss him!" HUH??? Bite me! I miss him in ways others never thought of....I miss what could have been, what might have been and what time I wasted by not taking things more seriously. Here I had a brother that was just like me and I was too busy with whatever and now I don't have a chance......

I'm sure you have ran into many who will say, "at least she's in a better place..." or something similar....they do mean well, but grief does silly things to people and makes them put both feet in their mouth, where they reside for way too long. They also tell you it's time to move on, in a misguided attempt to hasten your pain ending and in turn cause more pain and make it last longer. They mean well, but you need to tell them that it's your loss to grieve, you will never be over it, you will have better days and you'll have your bad ones and that if they're uncomfortable or don't understand, that's fine, but what they are saying hurts you and you're already hurting enough.

Please get yourself to a grief support group for parents who have lost children. They will know what your heart can't bring itself to admit or say out loud. They will know the anger, confusion, and everything else that those around you can't understand. Please don't hate them, for they can't understand what they have not experienced and grief is unique to each person and in different situations. What you learn from this can also turn around to help someone else who is grieving. You can learn from those who are further along in their journey and you can help those who are just beginning, once you are strong enough.

Be patient and don't fool yourself into thinking you are wrong for still hurting. You are hurting for a damn good reason, you are entitled to it and the way you choose to grieve is what's best for you, regardless of what others say.

You may want to consider talking with a counselor who deals in grief and can also prescribe medication to help you sleep or with depression. The anti-depressants will not stop the grief, but make it a little more manageable by keeping the chemical part of depression at bay.

You are in my prayers and I will keep you as well as your daughter in my heart, always. And just in case you were wondering, yes you are STILL a mommy. Losing a child is enough, they can't take the title with it. You are and always will be a mommy. I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I wish I could take it away, but since I can't, I can be here if you need me.

There are a few other posts about loss that I responded to, I believe on the depression board....one was to AussieJulie and another to Solcita, and there may have been a couple others, but there were some things listed that you can do to set your grief free and send a message to your wee one, she's watching. If I can find them, I'll post the link....or you can search angel77

Big hugs to you sweetie, you will again find the sun and have more good days than bad, that I can promise you. Take care of your heart.....Angel
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Old 09-10-2004, 12:26 AM   #5
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Re: SIDS parent

My name is angela and i am a sids mom ,,,, i lost my son 12 yrs ago to sids . It has taken me many yrs to get on with my life again . to not wonder what did wrong ,,,or what i could have done differnt ,I hope to help someone who needs a person to talk to . I needed someone for years and the support was not there or i could not find it . I want to help anyone i can ,this kind of loss is so heart wrenching. I think of my son every day . I constantly look at my two boys (big brothers ) and wonder what he would look like . (a mixture of the two ). i want to help anyone i can ......[ removed ]

Last edited by moderator2; 09-10-2004 at 05:59 AM. Reason: please carefully review the posting rules - no emails.

 
Old 09-12-2004, 06:26 PM   #6
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darlenecarnes HB User
Re: SIDS parent

Hi,I lost my nephew to SIDS 10 years ago and the pain is still there. My sister bless her heart never recovered from it. You see she already had 3 other children and Dustin was her last and so she had her tubes tied and then he died at the age of 2 months and a day. She found him face down on his stomach we are still not sure how he got there. My best wishes go out to you during this horrible time and may you find peace and comfort in the days ahead.

 
Old 09-12-2004, 07:28 PM   #7
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Concerned39 HB User
Re: SIDS parent

I am not a sids parent but I had to reply as my heart goes out to you.Bless you and heart wishes to you all.May you fing comfort in some unexpected way as I know comfort at this time is almost impossible.

 
Old 09-20-2004, 04:17 PM   #8
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Mark&MelissShaw HB User
Re: SIDS parent

I lost a nephew to cot death in 1998, his name was Ryan, he was a day off ten weeks old, he was born October 1st and on December 9th, he was found dead in his cot at 7 in the morning, by 8:45, he was offically pronounced dead by the ambulance crew, my Mum ( now deceased ) never got over his death, I wanted to commit suicide and I was 19 at the time, he was buried the week before Christmas and I still feel like he should never have died so early and to make matters worse, his parents ( my brother and sis in law ) didn't even care, the mother laughed at the chapel and his dad never even paid out for a headstone, Ryan still has the temporary cross, I feel so sorry for your all losses and I hope to never go through that, my son is two and a half and we plan on another next month so here's hoping to healthy babies.

 
Old 09-24-2004, 09:01 PM   #9
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Angel77 HB User
Re: SIDS parent

Hi Hon....first of all, I wanted to address the aparent lack of concern on Ryan's parents part. I don't know them, but it's possible that the only way they could deal with the loss was to pretend he never was. This unfortunately leaves the grief unaddressed and ever heart breaking.

Some people handle grief in a grossly inappropriate way, but they are still grieving. Some just can't face it and refuse to. This probably caused you more grief because you felt that he didn't matter to those he should have mattered to the most.

At my dad's funeral, many people laughed and joked about the silly things he used to do. Very few saw the tears cried behind closed doors. It's also easier to keep it together and remain somewhat cheerful when in the presence of others. They feed off each other and try to remember the good and not the sorrow created by the obvious and unchangable loss they experienced.

I was four when he died and hadn't a clue....I ran around, sat on a water fountain, soaked my dress, jumped over church pews, etc. Then I walked up to a lady who had a sleeping baby in her arms and said, "Your baby's pretty, she's sleeping like my daddy is." I couldn't understand it....everyone who had just been jovial, broke into hysterics....what just happened??? Do you see what I'm saying??

What were these people like as parents when he was alive? Did they have other children? Did they ever have any more? If he was the only and they never had any more, chances are they grieved more than you'll ever know. They may have made the decision because they couldn't bring themselves to lose so much again and it's easier for them to never have to worry about it.

What were they like before and what are they like now??? I doubt they came out unscathed. God bless, sweetie, you'll overcome, but will need to find a support group to lean on in your hard times. Take care of your heart and your little one.
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Old 09-25-2004, 02:01 PM   #10
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Mark&MelissShaw HB User
Re: SIDS parent

Quote:
Originally Posted by Angel77
Hi Hon....first of all, I wanted to address the aparent lack of concern on Ryan's parents part. I don't know them, but it's possible that the only way they could deal with the loss was to pretend he never was. This unfortunately leaves the grief unaddressed and ever heart breaking.

Some people handle grief in a grossly inappropriate way, but they are still grieving. Some just can't face it and refuse to. This probably caused you more grief because you felt that he didn't matter to those he should have mattered to the most.

At my dad's funeral, many people laughed and joked about the silly things he used to do. Very few saw the tears cried behind closed doors. It's also easier to keep it together and remain somewhat cheerful when in the presence of others. They feed off each other and try to remember the good and not the sorrow created by the obvious and unchangable loss they experienced.

I was four when he died and hadn't a clue....I ran around, sat on a water fountain, soaked my dress, jumped over church pews, etc. Then I walked up to a lady who had a sleeping baby in her arms and said, "Your baby's pretty, she's sleeping like my daddy is." I couldn't understand it....everyone who had just been jovial, broke into hysterics....what just happened??? Do you see what I'm saying??

What were these people like as parents when he was alive? Did they have other children? Did they ever have any more? If he was the only and they never had any more, chances are they grieved more than you'll ever know. They may have made the decision because they couldn't bring themselves to lose so much again and it's easier for them to never have to worry about it.

What were they like before and what are they like now??? I doubt they came out unscathed. God bless, sweetie, you'll overcome, but will need to find a support group to lean on in your hard times. Take care of your heart and your little one.

I see exactly what you're saying and I thank you for looking on the positive side, you see things are never as they seem. Cutting a long story short, I was sexually abused by my brother at a young age, he met his girlfriend ( they never got married ), they had their first chid, a boy who is now aged 11, they lived with us for six months, got pregnant with another boy aged 10, had two miscarriages, fell pregnant with little Ryan, Clair didn't love him beause he caused her loads of problems with the birth ( silly I know ), anyway after Ryan died, she got pregnant with a girl aged five now, another boy a year later was born, here are some of the things they did to the kiddies and then tell me if you think they suffered,.....nailed wood across their doors if they were naughty, smacked them several times for doing trival things, laid in bed while the kids got their own food, went to school unwashed and no breakfast, Jordan fell out of the bedroom window after being locked in, luckily he landed on something soft outside and was fine, Ryan came for the day a week beofre he died, it was so cold that year, thick snow, winds, all he had on was a vest and bodysuit, he became poorly and that was the last time we saw him, I don't think they ever cared about those kids because all children are up for adoption due to bad parenting and the parents have split up, my brother has married and is expecting another little girl, as for the Mother she has said she never wants the kids back as she likes her life without them, do you see why I say they were horrid parents and I hate the parents and I haven't spoken to my brother since.

 
Old 10-01-2004, 09:33 PM   #11
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Re: SIDS parent

Well, I am new to this site, but I lost a daughter in 1994 to SIDS. She was born April 14th and died on August 6th. She was almost 4 months old and it was the hardest thing that I have ever went through. I didn't have a problem pregnancy at all. My daughter did however have a weight problem. Back then GERD was never really thought about and they swtiched her formula so many times and when she did pass away she was wearing 12 to 18 month clothes. She had one incident where she had stopped breathing but I thank god my sitter new CPR and saved her. That happened in July. They ran numerous tests and could never find a cause. This all happened before the back to sleep campaign came out so she unfortunately was a tummy sleeper. It's been 10 years and it still hurts me deeply. Somehow I have managed to move forward in my life and I was blessed with another daughter a year ago today. It was a rough year to get through but I made it and she is a healthy happy little girl. Trying to move on after the loss of a child is very hard and I have suffered depression on and off over the years. I don't think that it is something that anyone ever fully recovers from. I am lucky to have found this site and it is nice to know that I am not the only one. I try to make it none that it can happen to anyone at anytime so don't take it for granted that it won't happen to you.

 
Old 12-08-2004, 07:45 PM   #12
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ELDERPANTHER HB User
Re: SIDS parent

We lost a son (he was a twin) 27 years ago. My wife and I were parent support group leaders for many years. One saying we has was that you can get thru the death of your child but you will never get over it. He is on our mind and in our heart every day. Like the other posters have suggested get in touch with a local support group when you are ready. Remember you did nothing wrong to cause the death of your child. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

 
Old 12-09-2004, 04:20 PM   #13
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brwneyez9 HB User
Re: SIDS parent

I am sorry about your loss.I haven't lost a baby to SIDS, but my mom lost my brother to SIDS 24 years ago. This was the time when they told you to put your baby on their bellies. She still has a hard time with it sometimes. I was a year old when it happened, so i really don't remember him. I really wonder what i would be like to have him here. I wish that i had the chance to get to know him. I know have a wonderful baby girl and everyday i fear this happening to her. I can't image what you are going through. I know it is hard and this is a wonderful place to talk with people. Someone asked about six months being the safety zone for belly sleeping. I have read the SIDS can happen up to 1 year of age. I thing the risk just decrease a littel after six months, but the risk is still there until 1 year of age. My heart goes out to you all of you that have had this loss.

 
Old 12-22-2004, 08:25 PM   #14
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BioAdoptMom3 HB User
Re: SIDS parent

I am so sorry to all of you who have lost a child to SIDS, or any other disorder as well. My best friend had a baby who died of SIDS a few years ago at the age of three months (actually sleeping on her back in her playpen) and I only can see and try to imagine what it must be like. I have three children and get teary just thinking about the possibility of losing one of them.

However I just want to encourage all of you to try not to blame yourselves, though I know that has got to be very hard. My friend ran tons of reasons through her mind for over two years after the fact and often felt very guilty about it, so I know its common to feel that way. We want to solve the mystery whenver anything tragic happens and we do tend to feel guilty no matter what. In the vast majority of cases it was nothing that you did or didn't do which caused it. If a baby is going to die of SIDS its just going to happen. Babies have died on their backs, sides, tummies, in their carseats, swings and even in their parent's arms. Nothing you do or don't do is guaranteed to prevent it. I hope no one gets upset at my post. I just see a lot of personal blaming of self and I wanted to try help you to realize, hard as it must be, that it is NOT your fault.

And to those of you who are parents who have never lost a child or known a child personally who died of SIDS, please keep in mind that it is so rare that even a tummy sleeping newborn has not even close to a 1% chance of dying of SIDS so please be sure to relax as much as you can and enjoy your babies! They grow so fast!

Nancy

 
Old 02-22-2005, 10:41 AM   #15
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Re: SIDS parent

I lost my son in May 2003 at 4 1/2 months to SIDS. Belly sleeper, too, but I'm not sure I buy into that theory. My mother raised 4 of us (all belly sleepers) with no issues and so have hundreds of thousands of other people. The statistics are just too weak to support one thing over another. My loss is coming up on 2 years now and while I've gotten a little bit of a handle on it, my husband is so increadibly broken up about it still, yet he won't go to support group or individual counseling. He figures that since these people can't change what happened, they are no good to him. Every night he falls to pieces. He's on meds that should provide relief, but they aren't really. I've heard that one of the stages of mourning is Anger, and he's in it full blown. I try to stay objective about it and see it for what it is, but it wears on me. I keep telling myself that, though he's angry, it's progress. I go to support for parents who have lost children. I'm finding that for whatever reason, I come out of there feeling better than when I went in. You wouldn't think that since you go and listen to other people's woes. But I find that my own grief, feelings, confusion, etc. get validation when I see that other people go through that too. Their stories may be different, but their loss is just as acute. We, too, are hopeful for another child (Ian was our first and only), but I am 42 years old and we are experiencing fertility problems. It will either not happen or it will be as much a miracle as our son was. Please do get some support from others who have had the same kind of loss. Good luck, and like someone else said before me, don't look to get over it, look to move past it.

 
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