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Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) Message Board
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Old 10-07-2005, 11:18 AM   #1
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conflicting and confusing emotions

My best friend is set to have her baby girl anyday now...and I am happy for her...but it is bringing up so much stuff that I thought I'd already dealt with. My daughter Lauren died on October 20, 1992. My birthday is October 26...I've since had another little one (a boy), who is about to be 3 (Oct. 29). So, in my opinion, the timing stinks....here's my main problem. I'm feeling that resentment creeping in...that, "how dare you have a beautiful baby girl when I lost mine" thing...I don't want to feel that way- but I really can't help it...and to top it off, this isn't her first time being pregnant...she lost a baby at 5 months several years ago...so add that to it and I *really* feel guilty...then I think about my son...how can I be so hateful when I've been blessed with another child? It all runs in a big, ugly circle and I hate it! I HATE IT!!!!! IT JUST ISN'T FAIR. Okay...a little better now...You know, it's funny how you think you've grieved, and you think you've moved passed it....but you never really do, do you? Not all days are this bad, I know that...most days for me I'm a pretty happy person...just not today. Anyone else have feelings like this come up when someone they know is about to have a baby?

 
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Old 10-07-2005, 09:12 PM   #2
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Re: conflicting and confusing emotions

PLEASE just be happy for your friend. Be thrilled for her! You will always carry internal scars; over the loss of your dear child. But don't rain on your best friend's happiness...Be unselfish: think of your friend FIRST...do what you can to heal your own pain. It isn't right to be a "wet blanket" toward's your best friend's most special/wonderous event in her life...the birth of HER child. I really believe if you can put her feelings/needs above yours at this time, it will help give you peace in your own heart. Sometimes really unbelieveable/horrible things happen to us; but its how we carry on that counts the most. Treat your friend how YOU would want to be treated; in her situation. God bless you...Debbie

 
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Old 10-10-2005, 01:08 PM   #3
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Re: conflicting and confusing emotions

I have never had a problem feeling happy for other friends. Although I can understand why you would. No matter how much time goes by it still hurts! That much I can say for sure. My son Dakota died Jan.17, 1995 and seeing babies hurts. I went on to have 4 other children after he died but seeing little babies always hurts! Dakota had the same birthday as your 3 year old - Oct. 29th! Happy Birthday to all of you!! And special Birthday Wishes to your Angel!!

Hugs,
Colleen

 
Old 10-25-2005, 06:58 AM   #4
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Re: conflicting and confusing emotions

I think I can understand where you could feel resentment. I never did but each person is different in how they cope with things, I Lost my son Cody Allen in 1995 when he was 7 weeks old to Sids and I already had two older children and after Cody died I got pregnant a month later with my 4th child (Justin) who is now 11 years old, From the time it happend and even now I know that maybe The lord took Cody for reasons that I wouldn't understand and I would much rather had him go peacefully in his sleep as he did than to watch him die slowly like some parents do when their children have Cancer and all sorts of other diseases. I was blessed to have known him 7 weeks. That 7 weeks changed my life. He will always in my heart and soul. Bless everyone here that has lost a child.

 
Old 10-25-2005, 07:25 AM   #5
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Re: conflicting and confusing emotions

thank all of you for your replies...I'm feeling better now...like I said- I don't feel that way often..I just was that day...usually once I get past anniversary dates, I do pretty well...my friend still hasn't had that baby of hers, but we're all waiting- and I *am* excited and I *am* very happy for her...Little Lily should be here any day now, and she and her momma are doing great Again, thank you for my much needed reality check!

 
Old 12-21-2005, 12:33 PM   #6
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Re: conflicting and confusing emotions

jen,

Twelve years ago today, my son died of SIDS. We buried him on Christmas Eve! Today is a somewhat bad day for me...because even tho it's been a while, it still wrenches my heart around in my chest, alot.

Before my son died, I loved babies. He was a beautiful child. I still love them lots, but just don't get that close to them. Only recently have I been able to hold my nephew, because of the wrenching in my heart I always feel. I just felt it would be easier on me to stay further away so that I don't feel resentment, etc. Those feelings will come and go over the years. They say the pain lessens over the years, I don't think that's true. I get almost as hysterical crying over it now as I did the day it happened. I just think that God gives us the power to not let it be on the top of our list everyday.

Good luck,

a

 
Old 12-22-2005, 07:25 AM   #7
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Re: conflicting and confusing emotions

What a tough time of year this must be for you- I'm so sorry... *hug*... I don't think the pain lessens, either...I like to think that, though we'd rather have them here with us, all our beautiful baby boys and girls are playing together...maybe even checking in on mommy and daddy from time to time...I try to keep those thoughts rather than remember the painful thoughts of losing Lauren...I wish peace for you and your family-
take care...

Last edited by jen_thomson; 12-22-2005 at 07:25 AM.

 
Old 10-12-2006, 11:05 PM   #8
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Re: conflicting and confusing emotions

It's ok to feel all the things you are. Supressing the honest feeling is just not something that is healthy. I know it's hard to have both happy emotions for your friend and emotions of the unfairness of losing your child at the same time because they are in conflict but it's normal. Feel them if you can, go have a cry over it, hit the pillow or whatever and get it all out. You will feel a lot better.

 
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