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jenn27 · 07-07-2006, 09:13 AM

In Shock: Just found out that a baby I took care of died from SIDS

Hello all. First of all, I want you all to know that I am sorry for whatever loss that has brought you to this message board. A SIDS message board is a place none of us ever wanted to be.

I am not a Mom, I’m a postpartum doula and baby specialist. I work in private homes assisting new parents (I work mainly overnights.) I did the night feedings for a set of twins from Feb-May 06. I just found out yesterday that one of the twins, Jamie died of SIDS last week. She was 5 months old.

My loss is on a totally different level from those of you who’ve lost your children- I TOTALLY realize that-however, I need a place to process my pain too. I spent 3 months rocking, holding and feeding little Jamie- When I found out yesterday I felt physically ill. By the end of the day my muscles felt sore- like I’d been through whiplash or something. I’ve been crying a lot. I’m also feeling hurt that the parents did not tell me sooner- because they have already had the memorial service. I did not get to say good bye. I except that they had their reasons for not telling me sooner, they must be going through an unbearable amount of grief.

I have two questions for these of you who might have some insight to share- 1st, how best can I support this family during this time? Sending a card seems so impersonal. Do you have any ideas?

2ndly, what suggestions do you have for how I can process my own sadness? What can I do to remember Jamie and honor her memory? Where do I put this sadness? I am not good at just sitting with my emotions. I feel like I need to block it out somehow or numb it- or do SOMETHING with it. My instinctual reaction is to try not to think about her or the family inorder to protect myself but I want to honor the sweet little life that Jamie had and I want to let her parents know that she touched my life, and that she will never be forgotten-never ever.

Jennifer

Fanntym · 07-09-2006, 08:26 PM

First off, I'm soo sorry for the loss of your friends baby.

One of my good friends lost a daughter to SIDS when she was 6 weeks old. I had been with my friend throughout her difficult pregnancy, and at the hospital when her baby was born. At the time of her loss I was 8 months pregnant with my 2nd child as well.

All I could do for her was be there for her. I was a shoulder to cry on, someone she could vent to, and wipe her face when the pain of her loss made her physically ill.

Several months later, she told me that was probably the best support she had. She also said that a lot of well intentionned people said a lot of stupid things, like "At least you still have your son" and "you can still have more". The one thing she said did help was when someone said to her "Sometimes bad things happen to good people" It helped her realize that she didn't do anything wrong.

All I'm trying to say with this is just try and be there for the family. They need to grieve in their own way and no one can really "do" anything for them, but maybe give them strength through support.

I also felt a loss when all this happened. I had good friends that I could go to for support and to talk about the effects her death had on me. Do you have any friends you could go to, maybe another Doula who has experienced something like this? Find a friend who will let you cry and vent. Let it out.

jenn27 · 07-11-2006, 08:52 PM

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. I am feeling a little better. Things remind me of the family and baby often- but I'm trying to put it behind me. I sent the family a letter to let them know I am thinking of them and that jamie will not be forgotten.

JW

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