my baby girl Siena May died on 4/12/08 while taking a late afternoon nap she was only 8 months old..though we are still waiting for the medical examiners report we were told it was most likely sids.
i was layed off from the ibew so i was home with her for 5 months after her mothers maternity leave was up.the day it happened i met a friend for a late lunch so i was not home when my Siena left us.i got to the hospital and ran into the er where i was able to cry in Siena's ear fight baby fight daddy is here now but it was to late the doctors said there was nothing more they could do.seeing my baby on the er table and hearing those words killed me.my first reaction was to grab a scissor and cut my wrist i couldn't let my little girl make this journey all by herself.i was jumped on my doctors,nurses and the police officers that escorted the ambulance and later spent 2 days in the hospital for observation..the wake/funeral were very tough we got to hold and kiss our Siena one last time.
in the days since i am having trouble remembering what my baby looked like and it kills me,i spent 8 months home with her everyday how can i forget how beautiful she was.everything seems so fake even the budding trees seem like some kind of twisted dream i keep thinking i'm going to wake up and Siena will be looking at me from her crib wanting her bottle.the guilt is killing me what if i never went out that day,what if she took a nap at her usual 3pm instead of 5pm.did her mom do something wrong what did she do?i know it's unfear to think this way and her mom would never hurt her but my mind is so twisted right now.we started seeing a therapist and she thinks it's to early for us to go to group meetings until we can deal with our own hurt but it's so hard our house is so empty.then thoughts come into my head that i want another baby right away but how could i,i love my Siena she was our first child she deserves better than that...i can't even cry my head is being pulled at from all directions why can't i cry......i miss her so much.......................thank you for any help Siena may's daddy
Hi...I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your post really tugged at me...my little girl died of SIDS on April 5 at five weeks of age, so just a few days before your little Siena passed. "Sienna" was in our list of names, but we decided to name our little girl Arianna. I'm so sorry. I wish I had the magic answer on how to get through this...but like you, I'm struggling to hold onto reality, struggling to survive. It hurts so much.
As for wanting another baby, I think that might be part of the normal reaction. We grew accustomed to having someone to love and nurture, to take care of, and then they were taken away from us. Having another baby isn't going to replace your little girl, but in the future, might bring back a little of that "hope" that was lost. You and your wife will know when the time is right. My husband also talks about having another baby...but it's too much for me to wrap my mind around right now.
How is your wife holding up? I know it's easy to place the blame...whether on yourself or others. Especially since the death was so sudden and unexpected. There are so many what if's, so many whys, so many hows. And sadly, if the autopsy results come back as SIDS...these are questions you will never find the answers to. My mind is stuck on autopilot...constantly replaying the scene three weeks ago, trying to put the peices together, but there are no answers. It's enough to make one crazy.
I think it's good that your reaching out here on the boards and by going to therapy. Have you tried contacting the Compassionate Friends?
Again, I'm sorry. I'm sorry your family is going through this...it's just not fair. Try and hang in there...that's all you can do at this point. One minute, one second, one breath at a time. (((hugs)))
hi Amber and thank you for your kind words.i am very sorry for the loss of Arianna you and your husband are feeling,Arianna is a beautiful name.we just got back from our third meeting with the therapist an hour ago,it's so hard to keep an open mind when your head is exploding with guilt and what if's....my wife seems to be doing better than me though she has a tendancy to keep her emotions hidden.i'm worried for her in five years she lost her dad,mom,grandmom,her cat that i think she loved more than me and now are little baby girl.Siena is my first loss so i think she is trying to be strong for me.i hope you and your husband can find the strength that i can't find to get through this...Ed
Hi Ed, I know how hard therapy is...I have to force myself to take the trip to the therapist each week. It's hard to be enthusiastic about discussing something that just hurts so dang much. For me, I'd rather just deal with it on my own time, in my own way, but I know that if it were my choice, I'd never deal with it. Keep going...even if you have to force yourself. It might not help right now, but maybe it will help sort things out at least.
Did you get the results back from the Medical Examiners yet?
For me and my husband, I'm not sure it's a matter of finding the strength to survive...cause strength isn't something I'm feeling these days. BUT, we have three other young kids that still need a mom and dad. Sometimes, sadly that isn't even enough to get me through the never ending hellish seconds and minutes...I don't know how I make it, Ed...but somehow, when one minute ends, another one always rolls around. It's a l-o-n-g process to get through each day, and very exhausting.
As for your wife, I am a lot like that. I hold everything inside...rarely do I put my emotions out on the table. My husband on the other hand, lets it out as it comes. I may seem okay on the outside, but on the inside I'm a beat up mess. Just do what you have to do to be there for eachother. You both need eachother more than ever right now. She may not show it very much, but I'm sure inside, she's hurting just as much as you are. And she may still be numb. Maybe she isn't feeling all the emotions, all the pain yet. Have you thought about seeing seperate therapists? I know for me, I don't show my emotions to my husband, because I know he's hurting too. But it's easier for me to open up with someone who is "out of the picture", without my husband being there.
Anyway, I hope you both are hanging in there. It hurts like hell Ed...but somehow, I hope you start to feel some of the pain lifting a little bit. Take care,
I just finished reading your post and I can't stop crying. Your raw emotions brought back all those memories of the ER on the day we lost our precious Megan. She looked so small lying on the ER table with the tube coming out of her mouth. She had already started to get red patches on her cheeks and nose where her blood had started to cool. It is so awful and I am so so sorry for your loss of your precious Siena. It's been a little over a year for us (March 26, 2007), but the pain is still so raw. Megan was 6 1/2 months old. The sitter fed her and laid her down for a nap and she never woke up. I played those 'what if 'games a million times over in my head. And I just wanted to be with her to protect her. How could this have happened? We did everything we were supposed to. Please know that you are not alone and your grief is still so very very raw right now. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but it doesn't. It does, however get more bearable. I know it's hard to take it one minute, one day, one week at a time, but that is the best way I knew how. I remember vividly sitting in the ER rocking Megan and wishing that I could fast forward my life a year so the pain wouldn't be as raw as it was that day. But unfortunately, the only way is to hit the grief head on and walk through it, not around it. I am thinking of you and your wife and your precious Siena. Please accept my heartfelt condolences. No parent should ever have to bury their child. I am here if you need to talk.
hi Susan,i am so sorry for the loss of your little daughter Megan and everything you are dealing with....i also wanted to say thank you for your kind words they do bring comfort..i think i'm still in denial about this,it doesn't seem real......
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Hi Ed and Amber,
I just wanted to let the both of you know I am thinking about you both today and hoping that with each passing day, the pain becomes a little more bearable. Amber, I am so sorry for the loss of you precious Arianna. Ed, I hope your days are getting a little more tolerable. I compare grief to the ocean-some days the waves crash at your feet, other days they crash at your knees and other days and some days, the grief knocks you down like a tidal wave. Try and take it one day at a time-I used to hate when people said that to me, but unfortunately, that is all you can do. Another piece of info I'd like to share with both of you is on the topic of having another baby. My husband and I are expecting again in Sept-the feelings are mixed. At first, I was so scared. I kept asking myself, what if this child dies too? Now they have a extra risk factor since they had a sibling that died of SIDS (my pediatrician is actually going to put this baby on a monitor for my peace of mind). And after the storm of feelings of being scared, I made peace with the fact that God is in control and I can only hope and pray for the best possible outcome. I learned after Megan died that I can't control everything that happens in my life. I blamed myself for a long time-I was her mother and was supposed to protect her from everything and I failed. I also remember asking the nurse to wrap her in 3 blankets when they took her to the morgue so she wouldn't get cold. It's horrible when you can't protect your own children. But remember these are stages and feelings of grief and they are all normal. Let yourself feel all the feelings that you need to. Amber, I know Mother's day is coming up and I will be thinking of you-you will ALWAYS be Arianna's mother-nobody can ever take that away from you. My mother's day last year was rough,but I made it through. I hope you will find the same strength. I am here if either one of you need to talk.
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