Hi!~ i seriously don't understand this! i am 16 and i find it soooo annoying that girls can be so rude over jealousy and envy! I was at my so-called best friends house and i saw a letter from her to another girl while she was taking a shower. it was all about me!
It said stuff like:
"Why does so and so like her? ughh it makes me so mad. I hope she gets really fat and ugly. Next year we are going to be so popular. I wish Ali would just go to another country because she is interfering with our social life!! i feel bad talking about her, but it makes me so mad that (blank) wants to hook up with her. I have liked him for so long. She is soooo skinny and i feel so fat when i am around her, especially at the beach...."
^ that up there isn't even half of it. it just goes on and on about whys he hates me! i did nothing wrong to her. This happened a week ago. I was looking for something to wear in her closet and i found it. She was in the shower and i didn't confront her about it so she doesn't know. I have avoided her since. This isn't the first time it has happened.
There's other girls too who always talk about me and my friend Lindsay. She is beautiful and i always tell her. i am not a lesbian or anything, just i like to compliment my friends... see i try and bring out the best in them... not bring them down. A lot of people (or girls shall i say) talk about her too. About how they hate how she's so tall and thin, etc...
Gusy aren't like this. These people are supposed to be our friends. I have always believed that "True friends bring out the best in each other", and i try to follow that. When my friends are happy, i am happy for them. I am not a jealous person at all. And i wish i only had guy friends. It seems to me that guys dont' care about how they're friends look or what girls like them and i just wish girls were like that too! but no... we're so devious, coniving, and manipulative. I have few friends who i can trust now and it just makes me wonder... sorry for venting, but i had to get it out. Plus, i just want to let girls know that they everyone has their good and bad qualities, and that we should appreciate the good ones, and forget the bad ones.
I just have to say that guys are like that, just not in the same way. They're not going to write a note to their friend or anything like that, but they do get jealous of guys who look better, are better off, and get more girls.
As far as the girl jealousy thing goes, it human nature. While guys beat each other up, girls talk about each other behind their backs. It's just the way it goes. And though that girl may not be the best friend, I think you can still be friends with someone who is jealous. I'm jealous of almost all of my friends, for some reason or another, and when I get together with them while one isn't there, we say why she make's us mad or jealous. She's still my good friend and I know that these things about her are things that I can't change, but you need to be able to vent and it's best not to vent in the persons face. Now you're thinking how horrible to talk about people behind their back, but say you have a best friend who is (you mentioned being skinny) overweight and you spend a lot of time together. No matter what you do about it, if there's a guy both of you like, it's very likely you're going to get him. That's how guys are and it's not anyone's fault. But she's going to be jealous, and can you really blame her? Would you rather her vent in your face about it when you both know there's nothing you can do about it, or vent with another friend and have it be over. She's still your friend, and going to stay your friend, but she's still going to get jealous.
That doesn't really have to do with the letter, just jealousy in general. And it's not always the one whose lacking that's at fault. Many times girls have friends they aren't jealous of and when that friend is jealous of them they don't understand why and take it as an insult. Just don't ever say "just because I'm better than you...." or "just because I'm prettier than you...." because that completely ruins friendships. You have to look at it from their side of things and accept their jealousy as, simply, jealousy.
Okay, I just totaly went off there and didn't really mean to but I'm stuck here at work with nothing to do. Didn't mean to lecture, please don't take it that way. Sorry.
If it's any consolation, guys are "like that," but about different things. My son is one year younger than you. We are a family of "late bloomers," and he was pretty small for his age last year. He took a lot of crap on his football team, had to deal with "cliques," and has had groups of friends that are always changing. I think the bottom line is that it's tough to be a teenager. Most of you, at your age, are pretty insecure, because you are still learning about who you are and where you fit in. Teenagers will be catty and cruel to others (yes, even their own friends) because it makes them feel more important if they can put someone else down. As you grow up, it won't be as bad as it is now, but even adults do it to an extent. Your best bet is to love yourself and don't be guilty of doing what your so-called friend does. I know it's hard.
lol no kate~ you are right. i should just accept it. But jealousy vould be al ittle more nicer... like she didn't have to say i hope Ali gets fat.... she could of written i am a little envious of Ali bc she is in shape... lol ok that doesn't make sense... but i know what you mean. Thanks for the reply.. and about the skinyn girl getting the guy, i don't always think that's true... because one of my real hot guy friend is going out with my heavy friend Katrina - she has the most awesome persoanlity and smile and i think that is why he likes her. Looks don't *always* matter. but its true, in a lot of cases they do.. which isn't fair.
Wearesiamese- I don't want to sound whatever... but a lot of adults always tell me that women willa lways be like that- catty and jealous. I guess i have been more tomboy-ish all my life and never got a chance to worry about what my friends were wearing or what make-up they used or who liked them! lol
Well if that's how you are, then try to stay like that, because you will spare yourself a lot of hardship later. If you aren't involved in that behavior, other people behaving that way won't bother you as much. It would be nice if it wasn't a fact of life, but, *sigh*, it is.
I think it was really rather mean and thoughtless of your "friend" to say she hopes you get fat considering you are trying to recover from an eating disorder. That sort of comment, no matter whether she means for you to see it or not, can't do anything for your self image, which already takes a battering simply from you being the age that you are!
I have removed many a friend from my life over their jealousy, catty remarks, backstabbing etc. They are perfectly nice to your face, but one thing I cannot abide is people *****ing about me behind my back. I work with a girl like that (it only improves marginally as you get older), I actually thought she was my friend, but I found out that she will undermine anyone who she thinks will get in the way of her career, and I believe she had a crush on my long term partner for a while, which didn't help either. These days I am polite to her face, but I avoid being in any situation where I have to interact with her on either a professional or social level.
You weed people out as you get older, and figure out what kind of people they are. Personally I find I make better friendships with guys than girls. My best friend is a girl, and even she has said some things that have hurt me to the point I feel my heart is breaking! But I forgave her because she apologised and explained what she meant at the time. I think she was more hurt that I took it the way I did.
I don't think there is any excuse your "friend" could give for her comments. She is a mean person and not a good friend! You're right, she is jealous, because she isn't a kind, nice person who is beautiful on the inside. Maybe what's-his-name doesn't like her because she's ugly on the inside? I love my best friend like a sister, find people who love you just the way you are!
I think Fishy came closest in explaining jealousy. What many of you and many others don't realize is that jealousy is a part of human nature. While some get jealous more easily than others, it is still part of human nature and a feeling that EVERYONE experiences. However, in some cases, it is taken too far (such as this case). However, I STRONGLY disagree with anyone who says that jealousy is found only in girls and not in guys or those who say the amount of jealousy varies from girls to guys. That is an opinion, and a weak one at best. Jealousy is a part of human nature, and what sucks the most is that you will always feel it. It will come in the way of relationships, it will come in the way of friendships, it will show its ugly head periodically throughout your life and there is no cure for it. You just have to learn to deal with jealousy, both yours and others. While jealousy can't be treated, it can be cured - with understanding. At times you will be blinded by it and may do things you'll regret. The best thing to do is not to keep all your jealousy bottled up inside because then jealousy will turn to hatred. Tell someone how you feel, tell the person who's making you jealous how you feel, but be nice about it. Its best to just be understanding when it comes to jealousy and understand that it's a natural thing. When its taken too far, that's when you have to draw the line and scratch that person from your list of friends.
Thats awful, I admit I do get jealous of my friends alot but never stab them in the back or anything, Im just simply jealous but hold no grudge. The only thing I got really mad at was my used to be best friend hanging off of my guy, and what bothered me was that she always hated people who would do that.. i can't stand hypocrits... that's all, your 'friend' isnt worth your time if she's like that...
__________________ "Tomorrow may be better, but today I choose not to feel..."
Fishy has raised some good points I failed to consider, but I don't completely agree with her. Sometimes when a female friends become jealous of you - I find, usually the reason is that you're the center of male attention - they are capable of doing some very malicious things, and that goes beyond spreading rumors or venting. They can try to steal your boyfriend away, they can flirt with the guys giving you attention like crazy, even go as far as making a fool of themselves in trying too hard to take all attention, recognition, and even respect from you. You see their unhappy faces when they see you happy and well liked. You see them wanting to drag you down to their miserable level. Cats...
One other thing - they tries to imitate everything you do, perhaps in hopes of eventually having the things they see you have that they want for themselves. Whoever says that imitation is the highest form of flattery - total disagreement. It's not remotely flattering, and your imitators insults you by stealing your uniqueness and making you commonplace. I find imitations very annoying. Some people don't do it deliberately (Which I won't elaborate right now.) Others do, and in my life they're always women, always wanting to be me in some or all aspects.
I've gone through some very bad experiences with women. I wish it weren't true, but it's USUAL that women I've met either avoid me after a while, absolutely refuse to be friends with me, or they smile and pretend to be friendly and acts as spies, so later anything I confide in them gets used against me. It happened too often; I almost don't trust women anymore. At the risk of sounding conceited, my Mom says that it's because I'm beautiful, talented and very intelligent - the total package. Then I thought to myself, there must be many women out there who fits this description - beautiful, smart, and talented in the arts. Maybe I'm not the only one suffering from female envy. Maybe there are girls like me who can only make friends with guys because their fellow female cats feel threatened by them to invite "total packages" into their lives. They feel threatened by potential competition, and the underlying insecurity certainly doesn't help.
Fortunately, I do have ONE real girlfriend who isn't mean to me, and I treasure her friendship very, very much. I also know women who aren't controlled by their envy, or who feels self confident enough to not envy those who seem to have more than they do. They're wonderful girls and I treasure them as human beings very much (in contrast to the nasty, meanspirited, fake-smiling, insincere and flirty women who tries to scratch wounds at my heart as much as possible.) As for other women, I give them the chance to have a healthy relationship with me, as I'm always open for friendship. But if there's any sign of envy or uncalled for malice towards me, I don't hesitate to cut them from my life. As of now, I don't have much female companions, and mostly male friends who don't let envy make them do malicious things.
I recommend this book - mean girls grown up. Frankly, I think there should be more discussions about envy, as it have some very real life implications and many people bears the battlescar from that, as I do. However it seems to me that not too many people are comfortable to really open up and talk about it, which is quite unfortunate.
Last edited by Necromanceress; 03-12-2008 at 08:59 PM.