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Old 03-21-2003, 09:38 AM   #1
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Question mom needs advice from teens...

Hey there! I hope I am not writing somewhere I shouldn't be, but I need some advice from teens about mine. Here's my story-

I have a duaghter who is going to be 16 in may. She is a GREAT kid, and I love her so incredibly much. She has hooked up with some people who are leading her astray. She has been drinking, smoking pot, and having sex. I know that she hasn't been doing these things every day, but she has indulged. She got put on restriction for sneaking out with an 18 year oldguy when she was supposed to be with her friend and friends mom. She has recently been diagnosed ADHD and is taking ritalin. I talked to her about the sex thing, and she is going to the doc for her first "annual exam" next week. It is something I talked to her about years ago, when she becomes sexually active, she goes for the exam. ANYWAY.. She is acting very sad and angry. she was crying to her friend on the phone last night and wouldn't talk to me. She went to bed at 7:30. She is the joy of my life usually, but I just don't know what is going on with her lately. Can anyone give me some advice on what she needs from me? How can I get my baby girl to talk to me and be happy?
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Old 03-21-2003, 09:51 AM   #2
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Hi! I know this must be hard on you! I'm no longer a teen, I'm 22, but I do remember when I was 16 very well. I know I put my parents through the same thing. I snuck out at night and got home just in time to go to school, I smoked, started drinking, and having sex. I think you are definitely doing the right thing by taking her to the dr.,make sure she gets on some sort of bc. As far as everything else, there may not be much you can do other than make sure she's informed~std's,dangers of smoking pot,etc~I know it's hard to just let her do these things, but if you try to stop her, she'll continue to do it behind your back and she definitely won't talk to you about any of it. I wish you the best of luck and you may want to let her know about this site in case she really needs someone to talk to and doesn't feel comfortable talking to you. The ladies here are very honest and will give her the best advice possible! Take care!

 
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Old 03-21-2003, 07:06 PM   #3
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Perhaps I am an exception to the teenage 'rule', I am about her age yet I don't drink or smoke. My sister, however, does, and I know what my parents go through with her. All I can offer is that you be firm but not lock her in a closet. If she experiments and doesn't enjoy it, all the better, but you can't let her run around and get in even worse of a situation. I hate talking with my parents about sex, it's very uncomfortable, so that may not get through to her. But you will live through it, you just need to try to be firm on your guidelines.

 
Old 03-21-2003, 07:09 PM   #4
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I am your daughter's age, but I myself have not tried any of that stuff. But, saying a teen can't do something makes them want to do it much more. But, parents will be parents and teens will be teens. Talk to her- tell her you love her no matter what and when she wants to talk that you'll be there. Give her space to express her anger.


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Old 03-23-2003, 07:20 AM   #5
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I have to disagree with the previous posts. One person said that their not may be much you can do about it? Hellooo? She is 16 years old. If she were 19 or 20 that may be a different story. Are you telling me that you cannot control where your CHILD goes and hangs out with? Does she drive? Do you let her take the car? Can you take the keys away from her? Trust me...if you don't get a hold on her now, what is she going to be like at 18? Pregnant? Diseased? I may be old fashioned and I am certainly not a teen...but you are her mother. Do not permit such behavior. Does she have a job? Try to monitor what kind of place she works at. When she gets to be a mother one day she will appreciate the morals and the discipline you have instilled in her rather than the permissiveness that you obviously let her get away with now. Why are you parents so afraid of your children?

 
Old 03-23-2003, 11:12 AM   #6
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i think that you definitely need you talk to your daughther before it's to late. When i was 16 i admit i was alittle wild, meeting guys, staying out, late hanging with the wrong people. I use to think my mom was old fashioned and jealous when she use to disapline me but i know she did it b/c she cared and loved me, but still i didn't listen to her then finally something bad happen to me and i guess i learnt the hard way...so please talk to your daughter.

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Old 03-24-2003, 06:22 AM   #7
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Talk to your daughter about it but do NOT get mad at her or nag her because you will loose her

 
Old 03-24-2003, 08:53 AM   #8
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Thank you very much for all the replies, I do appreciate it, and I am working on my relationship with her. We have been having some great conversations the past few days. A lot of things I don't really want to hear, but at the same time, I am so glad to be in her life.

H.Kondriac, I am not afraid of my daughter, she does not drive, I do know whare she is most of the time. I shower her with love and attention. I appreciate your advice, but perhaps I was too vague in my original post. She is not out of control, I just want to be able to prevent her from getting that way. She will still give her old mom a hug and a kiss before she goes to bed, she says she loves me before she leaves the house, and she lets me "hang out" with her and her friends most of the time. I was looking for advice from TEENS, I wanted their opinion how to best sway my daughter away from doing harm to herself.

Wow, OK, anyhow, Thanks again for your replies. Tomorrow is my baby girl's Dr. appt, and I am nervous for her.
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Old 03-24-2003, 11:15 PM   #9
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Good Luck!!! Don't forget to let her know that we're here for her to if she needs us~ but hopefully she'll just talk to her momma

 
Old 03-24-2003, 11:15 PM   #10
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hey simtusie

being 20, and somewhat of a rebel as a teen, here's my advice. let her go and do her thing, she'll tire of it or else, quit when her friends start goin to jail. believe me, being 17, and watching a friend being arrested does wonders for straightening you out.

 
Old 03-25-2003, 05:22 PM   #11
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Hey, good luck with the Dr. Appt, let us know if there's anything else you need to ask...

 
Old 03-26-2003, 07:21 AM   #12
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you sound like a pretty cool mum

 
Old 03-27-2003, 08:15 AM   #13
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Thank you everyone for your input, I do appreciate it so much! The doctor visit went very well. She said it wasn't as bad as she was expecting it to be. She got a written prescription for birth control pills, and hasn't filled it yet. In fact, she told me last night that she doesn't want to use them!!!! I am taking this as a good sign. Last night was her church group, and she says that she wants to be baptized. I talked to her about if she really wants to do this, I will support her 100%, IF she will live the life. I refuse to have a hypocrite for a daughter. She can either live her life one way or the other, not both. We need to talk about it more, a lot more. I am feeling optimistic today, I truly believe that she is coming around. I hope so. Thanks again everyone, you all helped me through a difficult emotional time.
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Old 04-04-2003, 01:32 AM   #14
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You seem like a cool mom, a lot like my own when it comes to communicating and having a close relationship. I might not be the best person to give you advice...I never did anything 'bad' when I was 16, and am still a goody-two-shoes now that I'm 20 (I've never smoked a cigarette, pot, any kind of drug, I'm a virgin, etc.) :P But anyways, I think you handled everything very well, it seems like you got the point across to your daughter that you care about her and are worried, but you weren't judgemental about it. And I think it's awesome that you took her to the doctor and want her to be safe. I have a lot of friends that do things I don't approve of (drink too much, drugs, shoplifting, sleeping with just about anyone, etc.) and most of the time, I feel it's their parents fault. Either the parents are too controlling and overprotective, so the kids rebel and do stupid things, or they're just way too accepting and laidback, and the kids feel that if they don't care, why not do stupid things and try to get their attention? I think you have struck a good balance between the two parenting styles, although I do think you should stress to her (especially on the birth control issue) that you DON'T APPROVE, but yet, if she is still going to do those things, you at least want her to be safe about it. My friend's mom simply got her on birth control, without talking to her about it, so my friend assumed her mom approved of her sexual choices, which is not the case. Anyways, I hope that helps!

 
Old 04-09-2003, 09:01 PM   #15
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okay, this is all i can say...did these things start to happen before or after she was diagnosed with the all famous adhd? i have ADD myself, and it can be hard to deal with sometimes, even though i dont want to admittt it. i was put on ritalin when i was 11, but stopped taking it when i was 14 because it made me feel anxious and depressed...that caused low self-esteem. she may be doing those things because shes depressed, and of course experimenting. you cant stop her from doing everything, but at least ask her if she needs a counselor to talk to...if you she doesnt have one yet.

 
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