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Old 09-29-2003, 03:42 AM   #1
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unknown85 HB User
Unhappy I am obsessed with my looks and I think I am ugly.

17 Years Old (18 in October). Male. Freshman in College.

My God I feel absolutely pathetic writing about this, but I guess I have to fess up sometime.

Sometimes I feel ugly. Sometimes I feel that I'm good looking. I take a look in the mirror one minute and I feel confident, then five minutes later I come back and I can't stand the way I look. I hate the way I look in pictures I don't pose for. I hate the way I look in video cameras.

When I'm at home, I look in the mirror and sometimes I'm fine with the way I look. When I go out with my friends and go into the bathroom. I am absolutely devastated.

I think it's just that I don't know where I stand in regards to looks. No one has ever told me that I was good looking except for relatives (ugh). I am not a very social person either. I'd like to be, but I have terrible insecurity issues (which absolutely sickens me because I'm a guy) and my self-esteem is at an all time low. I am intimidated by girls. I have no game what-so-ever. I could not go up to a girl and ask her out because of my confidence level. I can't even fathom a girl thinking I'm attractive, and during my good hours, when I find myself attractive, it makes absolutely no sense to me.

I have never been so concerned about my looks until late in my junior year and my senior year. I never took a second glance in the mirror. Hell, I wouldn't really even look at it in the first place. Now, I find myself spending lots of time in front of it. Staring at myself for minutes.

I also have an acne problem and I am taking accutane (and have been for a month). I've had this problem for loooong time now and frankly I am sick of it, but I simply cannot get over thinking how I look. I feel like I am so ugly. In the morning especially, there is this inate fear of looking the mirror. I feel like if I look at it, my heart will cave in from the devastation and it usually does. I HATE mirrors in the morning. I am generally very grouchy in the morning and mirrors absolutely does it for me. I could jump off a cliff right then and there.

But many times I think I am above average and when I walk outside I am on my high horse.

There isn't enough time in the world to tell me all the emotions and thoughts and experiences I go through on a daily basis. There are even times during the day in which I think I look good (usually around 11). I swear to God, this is absolute torture. I have been very depressed for about 2 years now. It used to be about this and that, but not it's almost exclusively about my looks. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've thought about suicide almost everyday for the past, well, year or so.

I could rant on for hours, but probably by now you've even lost track of my self-esteem throughout the day because it delves up and down and up and down like a ****ing rollercoaster, even though I'm generally down. More like a kiddy rollercoaster thats very close to the ground.

I think the problem is quite serious. My obsession with my looks. I hate my superficiality and even more, my insecurity. Ugh, I despise it. I wish I could take people for who they are. I wish I could look in the mirror comfortably everyday and every hour of teh day. I wish I could step outside feeling confident and without letting my thoughts of my looks bringing me down. God dammit.

I think I'll go look in the mirror and weep right about now.

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Old 09-29-2003, 05:48 AM   #2
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Kylie1 HB User

I'm kinda the same. Sometimes I think I look great, then other times I look in the mirror and think ewww. Most people wouldn't know I'm as insecure about my looks as I am because I'm very social and confident. I just never feel like I look perfect enough. Everyone tells me I'm pretty/hot and I seem to have a fair few guys after me but I just still lok in the mirror and feel like a dog. I dunno if I'm pretty or not! I've actually made a rule with myself that a half hour before I go out anywhere I have to stop going to the mirror and checking if I look okay because I always make myself want to change something.

I really don't know how to help you, bt I thought that you might atleast like to know that you aren't alone.

Old 09-29-2003, 07:01 AM   #3
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Location: Australia
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Baby_hands HB User

Hey there fella.
I felt like crying when I read your post.
And you know what? Its not your fault for feeling this way. It sounds like your suffering from depression.
Which can be treated!
And also...there is a thing where you see a distorted image of yourself. You dont see the real you!
You could talk to a doctor about this, or a counsellor, and I am pretty sure they would say you have depression. I have 2 family members who have this illness, so I have a fair idea of what i am talking about. Oh and for the acne, you can get tablets for that, so dont even worry about that!

Now going from what you've typed, I dont think of anything I say can help you.

I dont know whether you believe in God or not. But I do. And let me tell you something, He doesnt make mistakes. You are so so beautiful to Him, and for every person in the world who thinks your "ugly", there is another person who thinks your hot!

Also as human beings, we tend to always see the negatives in ourselves.
We always remember the negative comments people make over the positives, and we always zoom in on our flaws over our good points.

I would suggest giving yourself an image makeover, just to make yourself feel modern and like somethin shiney and new! And you wont feel like "the same ol me".
Try having a healthy diet...exercise....cut people out of your life who are negative....and whenever your feeling low about yourself, tell yourself about all the positive things people have said about you, including the times you looked at yourself and thought you looked pretty good No one knows you better than you do! You see yourself at your worst and best, so if you feel you look good sometimes, you musnt be too bad hmm?

I hope you can take something from my post.
If anything, remember that its NOT YOUR FAULT that you sometimes see yourself as ugly. Your just going through a depressing time in your life, so you cant help but see the negatives in yourself.
Great beauty and virtue rarely dwell together.

Old 09-29-2003, 11:02 AM   #4
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TeTr01 HB User


[This message has been edited by TeTr01 (edited 10-06-2003).]

Old 09-29-2003, 11:43 PM   #5
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Kimberly315 HB User

Accutane can cause depression, so if you were already depressed the medicine might be making it worse. Have you talked to a psychiatrist about getting some antidepressants? There are good treatments available that might help relieve your symptoms. Also, it's completely normal for people your age to obsess about appearance. I used to think I was completely hideous and now wonder what I saw in the mirror to make me feel that way. Trust me, if you think you're attractive sometimes, you're certainly not ugly!

Old 09-30-2003, 02:13 AM   #6
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Location: Waterloo, Iowa, U.S.A.
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JBo2114 HB User

Ok, the first thing I have to get out of the way is this, if you're having thoughts of suicide, no matter what the reason is, you should seek some help. To me, you seem to be exhibting some of the signs of Bi-Polar Disorder. Especially the part where you point out that you feel better or worse at a particular part of the day, not necessarily triggered by an event. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder when I was sixteen, and I got help for it. It also sound like this entails a distorted self image, a negative one. My advice woul beto seek some help, get a psychological evaluation, and if you do have a problem, you can start on the road back to a normal life. (Note: This is from my experiance only, I'm not a doctor, but I'd advise you to see one.)

My eyes are blind but I can see... -Black Sabbath
My eyes are blind but I can see... -Black Sabbath

Old 09-30-2003, 03:49 AM   #7
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unknown85 HB User

Thanks for you help guys. It made my day today a lot better, but I can't help but to constantly think about looks. I am the kind of person that is repelled by ugly and infatuated with asthetic beauty. I could stare at beautiful things for hours, and on those rare occassions when I feel that I am easy on the eyes, I like to stare.

I have thought about seeking help, but it seems to expensive talking to a shrink. I would love to rant to a shrink for hours, and even then I'd be way to insecure to talk to someone about it. I'd be so embarassed, I would probably leave a lot of things out and make him diagnose me with something else.

Argh, I hate how I look, and even in retrospect, I think I've always been ugly. Although, I've thought that I was handsome. If only. I'd like to think that if I shaped up a little bit, got a tan, and waited a while for this medication to hurry up and clear my face, that I would be an attractive guy, but I am just so damn depressed. I can't help, but to look at the negative side of things. I am the most pessimistic person I have ever known. I am absolutely petrified of having my hopes shattered that my expectation and confidence is kept low.

The feeling of going from hope to absolute devastation is too much for me to bear. The transition is so hard. That would also explain why I have never asked a girl out before and I have never had a girlfriend. I am so petrified to show feeling, in fear that they will give me a weird look as if I'm the ugliest person in the world. I will not even look at girls I think are attractive. When I see someone I am interested in, I ignore them completely. It's sad really. I think that I will never be so confident to snag someone that I have my eye on.

There aren't enough words in the dictionary to tell you how much I HATE the mirror. Ugh, I wish they'd all shatter. I HATE HATE HATE the mirror. I just cannot stand it. It makes me want to weep. Especially when I'm not dressed or when I have just woken up. It is the worst feeling I can ever imagine. Now, imagine this repeated several times a day. Facing the mirror is turmoil everyday. I brace myself and cross my fingers hoping that what I see won't result in my feeling of devastation, but I tell ya, it usually does. I feel nothing can help me.

[This message has been edited by unknown85 (edited 09-30-2003).]

Old 09-30-2003, 11:35 AM   #8
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ash_elizabeth HB User

Hi hon,
I'm sorry you feel this way, it really is sad. I have no medical diagnosis for you, but I do have an experience. Recently I broke up with a boyfriend of 4 years and I swear I felt disgusting afterwards, I felt at a loss of what to do with myself. So I decided to do some things that I thought would make me feel better . Firstly I started jogging 6 miles a day ( I started with walking 3 miles and graduated to jogging 6) started tanning more regularily, changed my diet significantly, dyed my hair ( back to my normal colour) and pursued a few hobbies. AND I FEEL 100 TIMES BETTER!!!! Even if you don't notice the physical changes sometimes you feel better about yourself for taking the initiative at all. Also I wanted to add that you will always be your toughest critic, everyone is like that, I've had people think I'm the hottest thing in the world and of course I don't see it, but that just goes to show you that many times people don't see you the way you see yourself. Cheer up sweetie this too shall pass.

Old 10-01-2003, 06:12 PM   #9
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Keilani HB User

Mr. Unknown85,

First I must state that it doesn't help that you are in highschool! Everyone is at their rudest, cruelest, and most insecure, and that atmosphere is bound to affect you.

I know how you feel b/c, let me tell you, I was teased nonstop for YEARS about being ugly or looking too this way or that. I thought it had ended in late highschool, but it hadn't. There would always be some person bringing up something just when I felt good about myself. I was SO down on myself. I avoided mirrors, I ripped off my photo from pictures, and I would cry in front of the mirror. Once when the "popular" kids didn't know I was around, they all started talking about how ugly I was and laughing.

Of course my parents always thought I was beautiful as well as many other adults, but that doesn't help when you're trying to attract your peers and not pedifiles.

Anyhow, I'm in my early twenties now, and although this sounds so weird to come out and say, I know I'm very beautiful. I haven't had anything done, I just started really losing my baby face and "blossoming". When I tell people that I use to be called "ugly" they think I'm lying to them. When I see people from middleschool or highschool they are really surprised at how I look now and I've had a collection of guys who thought I was ugly start hitting on me. I can't say it's not fun!

So, I'm telling you all this b/c your prospects are bright! Slowly you'll gain more confidence and I bet you that one day you'll look back at your highscool photos and say, "what was I so worried about then? I was cute!"

Like everyone else has already said, don't get down on yourself. You are your own worst try saying some positive things about yourself in the mirror each morning (no one has to know you're talking to yourself). And remember the story of the Ugly Duckling. You're not alone in feeling the way you do.

Hope this helps some

Old 10-02-2003, 11:30 AM   #10
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Join Date: Sep 2003
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unknown85 HB User

Thanks for you help, but why isn't that I am just not an ugly person? I mean I am absolutely horrified by everything that resembles myself. On video, in pictures, etc. I just think I am an unattractive person.

I have become so frustrated that I turn violent towards inanimate objects. I used to punch the wall in my room and now that I'm in college, I just sock the couch.

Sometimes I just don't want wake up because I don't want to risk looking in the mirror.

[This message has been edited by unknown85 (edited 10-02-2003).]

Old 10-02-2003, 11:52 AM   #11
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Keilani HB User

I doubt you're really an ugly person. Do you like yourself as a person at all, in the inside? Are you comparing yourself to others?

I still have self-esteem issues, but I'm working on it. I would still be acting as you are...getting frustrated and angry at myself and not wanting to face the mirror...if I wasn't working on liking myself as a person inside. I also try things constantly to boost me up. I have days where I feel too ugly to go out, and other days when I feel beautiful. I think a lot of people do. You said before that sometimes you think you're okay looking, so I don't think you're terminally ugly.

If I were you I would focus on why I don't like myself on the inside first, and start fixing those things (you are never helpless)and working on my self-esteem. Self-esteem is everything, if you are confident and a nice person, no matter how ugly you could possible be you will still be attractive.

I wish I could give you suggestions to boost you up more.

Old 10-03-2003, 03:45 AM   #12
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unknown85 HB User

I always compare myself to others. Whenever I see someone who I feel is attractive, I get very jealous. There are things I like about myself as a person and there are things that don't, but everything about me seems to revolve around my looks. How I see myself in the mirror can dictate how I feel for the next several hours. I sometimes have to look in the mirror for over 20 minutes until I can catch a glimpse of myself that I feel is good looking so I have the confidence to leave the confines of my dorm room otherwise I have no motivation to leave the house.

As for the inner me, there are things that I like about myself and there are things I don't. Like most people, I hate how my voice sounds, although people tell me there is nothing wrong with it, I can't believe them. If I see something or someone that reminds me of myself I become depressed in a snap. My emotions are the direct result of how I feel about my looks.

Compliments could most likely ease my mental suffering, but I only get them from my peers. Only relatives and the hair salon lady. Granted I don't have a great social life to begin with. I am choosy about my friends. They have to have certain qualities. Even qualities that might make me superficial. Even the friends I had in high school, I did not really like.

Girls... what's to say? Other than the ones I am attracted to scare the living daylights out of me. I am such a *****. I can not bring myself to say anything that would remotely indicate that I am attracted to them.

I disgust myself. I was born a shallow, self-loathing, hideous individual. I was teased most of my young life for being fat and I lost a lot of weight my junior year and that's when I really started to pay attention to my looks. Hours and hours in front of the mirror. I am cursed. I often say my looks are constantly open to interpretation and to me it seems as though it morphs. To me, my face has become a demon that constantly rapes my mind even when I am not in front of a mirror. When I see my face, I just HATE it. It's hard to describe in words. I hate it because it looks like me. I hate the fact that my face looks the way that it is. I have become sick and tired of the way my face looks. Of the way my body looks. Pondering about my looks drives me insane. So insane that I could blow my brains out. As crazy as this all sounds, it is all very true.

I wish there were medication that could make all this go away, but paying for a psychologist and medication would be way too much money. To you I must seem absolutely pathetic, and I don't blame you. I feel the same exact way.

[This message has been edited by unknown85 (edited 10-03-2003).]

Old 10-03-2003, 02:11 PM   #13
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Depressedboy HB User

I thought I was alone in this. Since I have acne & scarring, it makes me feel even worse about myself.I was often told I was handsome & I was also often told I was ugly. I don't know, I've always took in the ugly comments more personally.Thinking that you look bad is one thing,but having someone telling it in your face ruins your self-esteem all together especially if it happened more than once.I'm so obsessed,it's like when I pass a mirror I have to take a look at myself.When I see how bad my skin is, I start feeling all depressed. I try to think confident but I really can't. I will agree that you are your own worse critic.

Old 10-03-2003, 09:20 PM   #14
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Baby_hands HB User
Thumbs down

Unknown, I have been reading your posts, and I hate to say this but. You really really need help.
You dont necessarily need to see a psychologist.
Seeing a counsellor is good enough, or if you have a school counsellor where you go to school?
They will usually provide you with help and pills to take.
But you cant just have the pills and not get mental help. Because the pills just "put off" the pain your really feeling inside.
You definately are suffering from the illness depression. What your going through is becoming more and more common, but its not normal in any way.
And believe me, it wont matter how many people tell you your good looking, you will ALWAYS remember the negative things people have said. You will constantly thing everyone is lying.
Your not the same 'fat kid' you were before. Your becoming a man, and the people in school who teased you are only a minority of the real world your going to face soon.
Its time to forgive the people who have given you hell in the past, understand that people are mean to others because of how they feel inside.
Think about it....wonder why all the blockheads tease smart kids?
The people who teased you were lying to you. They felt disturbed inside and wanted to take it out on someone who would take it.

But really, you must get professional help. You will not beat this without it.
And dont be ashamed about how you feel inside! These are real feelings, and you need to give yourself persmission to feel what your feeling. There are hundreds of others who feel the same way, maybe even worse.
I'll pray for you.
Great beauty and virtue rarely dwell together.

Old 10-03-2003, 09:49 PM   #15
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AOLInstantMessenger HB User

I hate the feeling when i loook in the mirror i feel ok but when i see a picture or a video of myself i feel like a retard. Its kinda funny actually. Im in high school and im pretty social with people. Whenever someone says something that really hurts me (omfg did i just say hurts? wow thats a first for me) i just say something about it and laugh it off, no matter how bad it makes me feel. If you go ape when people say something about you then once you leave people tell other people crap and thats how huge rumors get started. Best thing you can do is just accept it. If people are like "you're gay" or something dumb like that be like "so" and they just stop talking. ( no im not gay, lol)

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