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Old 01-17-2004, 05:48 PM   #1
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Will M. HB User
Unhappy Sad info about girl I like's personal life, and I feel guilty...

I found out something about a girl that I like and care deeply for, from a friend who is a friend of the girl, and has helped me with her--that she and her mother grew up under a lot of abuse from her father. I'm pretty sure it was physically. It made me really sad because first of all, I don't want that to happen to any girl, ecspecialy this girl--she does not deserve to be treated that way at all.
Second of all, I feel guilty for even trying to set up a relationship with her, because I might have pushed too hard. If I would have known about all this, I would have approached her more gentily.

Of course I'm never going to mention this to her.

I asked her out to lunch once, and she said that "she liked me better as a friend," but now I kind of understand why--she might be insecure about who she can trust. Fortunetly, our in-school friendship has been a lot better after I asked her out, so that probably means that she does value our friendship that we have now.

When I look back on every conversation, I can notice little things she said and did, that made it clear that she has had experience of abuse. For instance, one time I was talking to her and some kid whose sort of a 'flirt' came up behind her, and hugged her--she then elbowed him in the gut, but then she let out a fake laugh afterwards. Or another time, after I asked her to lunch, she seemed edgy about the choice of location, because it was near a certain school, and she said that "it's just... a lot of creepy---" and that was it.

I really care and admire this girl a lot, and I would be happy with any level of relationship with her. I just really want her to get the message to her that I will always be there for her, and I am someone who she can trust.

I mostly wanted to get this off of my chest, but I feel like I have to change my whole approach. What and how should my approach be. I feel like I learned this information for a reason, and that I should use this information wisely. Sorry that I can't really form this into a question, but what do you think about this?

Please help!

 
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Old 01-18-2004, 08:24 PM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2003
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Angel77 HB User
Re: Sad info about girl I like's personal life, and I feel guilty...

I love you Will!!! LOL Everyone should be so lucky as to have someone that understanding!! Your approach is just as it should be!! You are doing great and listening to your heart. I was the same way. I had a ton of guy friends but was really choosy about who was allowed in my space. If someone came up behind me I would usually get the full body creeps and want to run.
Only one of my guy friends was allowed to hug me, then I met my b/f....now husband of almost 10 years.
He didn't give me the creeps, was loving but never overly touchy feely with me. I knew the minute I met him that I could trust him. I almost guarantee that's how she's feeling about you if things changed for the better after that. If you made her uneasy she would have backed off. You may want to talk to the friend who told you and ask her what her opinion is about you letting the girl you like know. If she thinks it's ok, then let her know that you know she's got a few struggles others don't and that you're there for her if she wants to talk. If you feel she'll be uncomfortable in person, write it in a letter. Just keep it short, the more detailed the more she'll wonder what's "really" behind it.
Is she still in this situation? Is dad still in the home or in the picture???
Make sure to get her friend's permission, because if she confided in her and finds she told you, she may feel she can't trust her, even though her heart was in the right place. You don't want it to cost a friendship. If you can't tell her you know right now, give it time and she will tell you when she's ready.
Good luck to you, and keep wearing that great heart on the outside!!

 
Old 01-18-2004, 08:44 PM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 157
t-dash HB User
Re: Sad info about girl I like's personal life, and I feel guilty...

Sometimes I think you're obessive and need therapy Will... but maybe, juuust maybe you're living one of those feel-good romantic movie style stories in reality, where the guy gets the girl in the end, and saves her from her troubles or poor situations, being the hero. So go get her, you need an out side of school relationship with her. If you're only friends in-school that doesn't say alot. You'll have to step it up, if she got to know your personal life better she might open up more about hers or might gain some trust. Keep us posted.

t-dash.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Will M.
I found out something about a girl that I like and care deeply for, from a friend who is a friend of the girl, and has helped me with her--that she and her mother grew up under a lot of abuse from her father. I'm pretty sure it was physically. It made me really sad because first of all, I don't want that to happen to any girl, ecspecialy this girl--she does not deserve to be treated that way at all.
Second of all, I feel guilty for even trying to set up a relationship with her, because I might have pushed too hard. If I would have known about all this, I would have approached her more gentily.

Of course I'm never going to mention this to her.

I asked her out to lunch once, and she said that "she liked me better as a friend," but now I kind of understand why--she might be insecure about who she can trust. Fortunetly, our in-school friendship has been a lot better after I asked her out, so that probably means that she does value our friendship that we have now.

When I look back on every conversation, I can notice little things she said and did, that made it clear that she has had experience of abuse. For instance, one time I was talking to her and some kid whose sort of a 'flirt' came up behind her, and hugged her--she then elbowed him in the gut, but then she let out a fake laugh afterwards. Or another time, after I asked her to lunch, she seemed edgy about the choice of location, because it was near a certain school, and she said that "it's just... a lot of creepy---" and that was it.

I really care and admire this girl a lot, and I would be happy with any level of relationship with her. I just really want her to get the message to her that I will always be there for her, and I am someone who she can trust.

I mostly wanted to get this off of my chest, but I feel like I have to change my whole approach. What and how should my approach be. I feel like I learned this information for a reason, and that I should use this information wisely. Sorry that I can't really form this into a question, but what do you think about this?

Please help!

 
Old 01-18-2004, 09:57 PM   #4
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Austin
Posts: 396
Will M. HB User
Re: Sad info about girl I like's personal life, and I feel guilty...

Quote:
Originally Posted by t-dash
Sometimes I think you're obessive and need therapy Will... but maybe, juuust maybe you're living one of those feel-good romantic movie style stories in reality, where the guy gets the girl in the end, and saves her from her troubles or poor situations, being the hero.
Yeah, I'm planning on us gazing into eachothers' eyes followed by a long romantic make-out scene in the end... No, that's not how it is at all, and I didn't mean for it to sound that way! I don't want this whole problem at all! It's hard enough because I've never established a relationship before, and all of this information has only made me stressed out, angry, and upset.

I talked to the girl that told me that on the phone today, and she sounded spacey, and not convincing, plus she asked me: "What did I say in that email?"
So this info might even be stretched-out and exaderated. So I'm trying not to make any assumptions, and I'm not going to motify the way I act, and talk, I'm just going to be the way I always was.

And Angel77, I love you too, but I wouldn't call myself "understanding."

I've been working on a letter for the past couple of months, but I wasn't planning on giving it to her until a couple of weeks before summer. I think it's already obvious for her that I like her, and she's always been friendly, but I've asked her out once and she said no, but like I said before, she sounded edgy abou the choice of location.

I won't see her 'till Tuesday, but I'll just be myself and I'll keep you guys posted. Thanks.

Last edited by Will M.; 01-18-2004 at 10:00 PM.

 
Old 01-19-2004, 08:10 AM   #5
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Join Date: Feb 2003
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Kylie1 HB User
Re: Sad info about girl I like's personal life, and I feel guilty...

"I asked her out to lunch once, and she said that she liked me better as a friend..."

So, why are you still going after her? Please don't think of me as mean for saying this, but when usually when a girl says she likes you as a friend, that's all you will ever be.

I may be wrong, but if she says no to you this time just give up because there is nothing worse than a guy that won't give up

 
Old 01-19-2004, 11:22 AM   #6
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Austin
Posts: 396
Will M. HB User
Re: Sad info about girl I like's personal life, and I feel guilty...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kylie1
"I asked her out to lunch once, and she said that she liked me better as a friend..."

So, why are you still going after her? Please don't think of me as mean for saying this, but when usually when a girl says she likes you as a friend, that's all you will ever be.

I may be wrong, but if she says no to you this time just give up because there is nothing worse than a guy that won't give up
Well, then I'll just be her friend! I enjoy talking to her, and I'm happy being around her, so as long as we have a friendship like that, I'm happy. That doesn't mean I'm going to back off completely, and ignore her. Like I said before, she's been friendlier after I asked her, and we have had better conversations.

 
Old 01-20-2004, 11:07 AM   #7
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Join Date: Dec 2003
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Will M. HB User
Re: Sad info about girl I like's personal life, and I feel guilty...

I saw her today, and I don't think I should worry about this. I was just myself, and I pretty much forgot about it. We've talked a couple times this week, so everything is as normal as usual. I'll keep it in mind, but I'm not going to dwell on it. Thanks.

 
Old 01-20-2004, 06:29 PM   #8
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 901
Angel77 HB User
Re: Sad info about girl I like's personal life, and I feel guilty...

The way she said no and the reasoning behind it says more than the word itself. I was abused and know what it's like to have to learn to trust someone. It doesn't come instantly and the fact that she is friendlier rather than pulled away says a lot.
You're doing the great thing by just being a friend and being patient. Things will work out the way they're supposed to.
__________________
If you don't experience anything bad, you'll never appreciate the good when it comes around!!!

 
Old 01-21-2004, 12:02 PM   #9
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Join Date: Dec 2003
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Will M. HB User
Re: Sad info about girl I like's personal life, and I feel guilty...

Bleh... this week has been confusing. She hasn't been as friendly as usual and she has had a sort of sarcastic tone. But then she told today that she felt sick, so it could be just that. I don't know, I'm stressed out...

 
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