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Old 01-19-2004, 05:15 PM   #1
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jengisima HB User
Unhappy Dilemma! Should I betray a friend in order to help her?

I am having a huge dilemma and I have no idea what to do. My boyfriend (I'll call him Alex) and I have been going out for 1 1/2 years, and I have become extremely close with his family. I consider his mom (I'll call her Julia) to be my second mom, and his sister to be the little sister I never had. His sister is 14, and I'll refer to her as Sarah.
Sarah is extremely insecure. She relies on attention from guys to make her feel beautiful. Because of this, she is constantly dating guys who are only attracted to her boobs and ***. She never finds a guy who truly cares about her, and she's always attracted to total jerks. I try to help her raise her confidence, but it is practically no use. I am always upset with her because she is always making stupid decisions due to her insecurity.
A few weeks ago, Sarah started to date this guy who goes to school with me and is in my grade (Sarah goes to a different school). His name is Jaime, and he is almost 17 years old. Jaime has a reputation at my school of being an *** hole, which is no surprize, considering Sarah is only attracted to *** holes. Anyway, a while ago, I heard a rumor that Sarah had given Jaime head 4 times. I immediately knew it was untrue, because I always thought that Sarah had morals. However, I spoke to one of Jaime's friends, and she informed me that Sarah had given Jaime head once, and that Jaime talks about it all the time. This was really disturbing, because Sarah is only 14 and she had only been going out with Jaime for a little less than 2 weeks.
When I got home from school, I called up Sarah and told her that Jaime had been telling everyone at school that she had given him head. Sarah immediately said "promise not to tell Alex that I did that." Sarah did not dump Jaime or do anything about the fact that he was telling everyone about their personal affairs.
I immediately broke my promise and told Alex that Sarah had given Jaime head. I figured that it was the right thing to do because the rumors had spread all over my school and it was only a matter of days before the rumors reached his school. If he knew that I knew about it and didn't tell him, he would be furious with me. I figured that he would rather hear the news from me (someone he could depend on) than some random guy at his school. Alex was extremely upset about it.
A few days ago, Alex's mother, Julia, approached me and started to ask questions about Jaime. Julia then gave a big speech about how she wants Sarah to be a young, respected lady, and that she's afraid Sarah will go too far with Jaime. I almost died right there, since I already knew that she had gone too far. Then Julia asked if there was anything I needed to tell her about Jaime and Sarah, and I lied and said no.

I know that she only gave him head because she was insecure and wanted him to like her, because that is the way she is. I think that oral sex should be had when a couple trusts and truly knows, cares, and respects each other. It is obvious that Jaime has no respect for Sarah and is just using her.

Here's my question: Should I tell Julia about Sarah and Jaime? If I don't tell, Sarah will probably get worse and who knows, may end up losing her virginity at the age of 14. If I do tell Julia, I may ruin Sarah and my friendship, and she may never trust me again. What should I do? I am caught between two people I care about, and no matter what I do, I'm going to be screwed. What is the right thing to do?

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Old 01-19-2004, 06:01 PM   #2
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Sugar+Spice HB User
Re: Dilemma! Should I betray a friend in order to help her?

if i were in your shoes i would talk to ur friend sarah an talk her into dumpin that jaime person and find her someone sutible to her age and would like her for herself not her body parts.

Old 01-19-2004, 06:52 PM   #3
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john123 HB User
Re: Dilemma! Should I betray a friend in order to help her?

i agree, talk to sarah and tell her to dump jaime, and sorry to say this but if that isn't enough, ur gonna have to go to her parents, maybe her brother first.

Old 01-19-2004, 07:02 PM   #4
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cursive21 HB User
Re: Dilemma! Should I betray a friend in order to help her?

Just what Sugar and Spice said, talk to your friend sarah, my sister is 15 and im 17 so i know how u feel, she wasi n the same situation that sarah is in. i had heard the rumors but i knew that my sister wouldnt go as far as sex, and i thought possibly that the boy she was with would respect her(he was 16 so its a little different) Obviously you care a lot about sarah, confront her and tell her that if you hear anymore rumors that you will tell her mom, not because you want to hurt her but because you care deeply about her. Tell her how much she is worth to you and her family even if she already knows maybe that will make her realize. i'm 17 and from my personal experiance if i ''dated' a 14 year old girl it would only be to get some head, but i have gone down that road and its not a very nice one. That is my advice, keep us posted

Old 01-20-2004, 03:18 AM   #5
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Meg28 HB User
Re: Dilemma! Should I betray a friend in order to help her?

Hi, you sound very warm-hearted and sweet to be worrying about Sarah.
Sarah needs information on the dangers and the pleasures of sex. I know you feel like family, but you are not. Your boyfriend should be making these kind of choices. He should decide whether or not to tell his mom about what is happening. I am a parent as well, so maybe I'm biased but a concerned mother wants to know what is going on. She not only wants to know but she is the best one to talk about it with her daughter. I understand your concern but I'm guessing you're around 16/17 years old and this kind of pressure shouldn't be on you sweetie. I know you love her and want to do what's best - so have your boyfriend (and yourself) talk with Sarah. Explain to her that you are concerned about her actions and it needs to be discussed with an adult. If she's not comfortable speaking with her mom, maybe your mom could help. If she refuses to talk to anybody (and I'm betting that's what she'll do) her brother should then tell her that he is going to speak with mom anyways, because this is bothering him so much, he doesn't know what to do, and perhaps add that "Mom is very easy to talk to. I talk to her all the time about things I need help with. I'll go with you if you'd like. Everything is going to be fine."
If you don't hand this over to the mother than you will feel guilty and responsible if Sarah continues to do this. She needs to know all about diseases, condoms, birthcontrol etc. etc If she continues to be sexual with this guy (or any guy) it probably will lead her to other things too, most importantly sex. I don't even think she's old enough to date but I guess her mom is okay with it?
This girl needs her father in the picture? If not she really needs her brother to step up and show her what a decent man is like. Have him be very open about how he feels about her.
A lot of girls who grow up without a father often end up being promiscuous at an early age because they are searching for love that they never had by a father. She doesn't realize this. She wants to please boys and have them make herself feel love. Unfortuneately, it never works.

I am so sorry I wrote this much. I concerned about her. Please get her mother involved soon. I respect yourself and your boyfriend for caring so much about this girl. I think that it is great that you reached out for help.
Good luck with all of this, and give us updated!

Old 01-20-2004, 04:36 PM   #6
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jengisima HB User
Re: Dilemma! Should I betray a friend in order to help her?

Thanks everyone for the help! I have discussed the issue with my boyfriend, and I think he is going to tell his mom about it.
Meg28, you're right that Sarah does not have a father figure around. Her father lives at home with the family, but he is rarely around because he owns his own buisness and is constantly working. He is a jerk and no one in the family really likes him, but his mother isn't getting a divorce quite yet due to financial reasons. My boyfriend's mother has spent her life teaching her sons how to treat women right and how to be good husbands/boyfriends so that they don't make the mistakes that their father made. Because of this, both of her sons (her oldest son is away at college) are extremely respectful towards women, which is a rare quality to see in teenage guys these days (I definitely lucked out when Alex asked me out!) However, she wasn't very successful in teaching Sarah values.
Sarah is always fishing for compliments because she is insecure. Her father rarely gives her any confidence boosters, and instead says rude and hurtful things to her. I think that it is her lack of an understanding and protective father that has made her insecure. Her older brothers have done their best to look out for her, and all 3 of the siblings are very close. However, there is not much they can do; all in all, they are both her brothers and only her brothers, and so when they try to talk to her and give her advice about things she doesnt want to hear (such as getting involved with jerks) she says snotty things to them or replies with, "you're starting to sound like mom. leave me alone." They protect her from other people, but they are not in a position to protect her from herself. usually, sarah depends on her brothers to do the dirty work for her after she has made bad mistakes, which is unhealthy and stupid. Whenever she does that, I tell my boyfriend to stay out of it for the most part because she has to learn from her mistakes and not depend on others to clean up her messes. she's very dependent, and frankly, it really makes me angry because insecurity and dependency is annoying to me, especially if i see the traits in one person constantly. (I'm a fairly confident and independent person) basically, my point is that I know she would not listen to my boyfriend if he tried to talk with her about her sexual experiments. I know she'll just get mad at my boyfriend and me. I also know that if I tried to tell her to leave Jaime, she would never agree because he supposedly "Cares so much for her and treats her like a princess." (which is what she always says but never is the case).
Meg28, I don't think Sarah is neccessarily too young to date (although, I didn't start dating until I was 16) but she is definitely too immature. some people are extremely mature at age 14, and some people arent. She obviously isnt. A mature person would not experiment sexually unless he or she knew that they were ready, safe, and with the right partner.
anyway, thank you so much everyone for your advice! i really appreciate it! as you can see, i have been majorly stressing myself out over this topic, which I know i shouldn't be doing because there's not a whole lot I can do. My boyfriend is going to tell his mom what happened, and she's a very understanding woman so I'm sure she'll tell the facts to Sarah without screaming at her for being irresponsible (which we know never gets the job done). After she speaks with Sarah and after Sarah is done being furious with us, my boyfriend and I will talk to her about how we stand on the situation. Thanks for the great advice!


PS: Jaime used to be really rude to me, but now that he found out about what Sarah and him did, he has been extremely polite and friendly. How ironic.... lol!

Old 01-20-2004, 08:19 PM   #7
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Andrew29 HB User
Re: Dilemma! Should I betray a friend in order to help her?

I would talk to her directly and explain all the concerns and whatnot that you have for her. And explain the consequences of what could happen from her actions. She's 14. Which is legal consent age. She is also old enough to make her own decisions. Now, she may make some stupid decisions, but telling mommy & daddy is not the thing to do. It's nice that you're looking out for her, but c'mon...telling on people.. to me that's just gutless.

Last edited by Andrew29; 01-20-2004 at 08:27 PM.

Old 01-21-2004, 04:37 PM   #8
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cursive21 HB User
Re: Dilemma! Should I betray a friend in order to help her?

You are incorrect, 14 is not legal consent, 16 is you cannot have sex if you are under the age of 16, by law

Old 01-21-2004, 04:57 PM   #9
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Andrew29 HB User
Re: Dilemma! Should I betray a friend in order to help her?

Originally Posted by cursive21
You are incorrect, 14 is not legal consent, 16 is you cannot have sex if you are under the age of 16, by law

Actually, it depends on what country you live in. In Canada, it's 14.

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