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Old 02-11-2004, 07:41 AM   #1
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Virginia
Posts: 18
Marcy1 HB User
Unhappy sons heartbreak

I am the mom to a wonderful 16yr. son...The problem is a long one but I will try to summerize....DS starting dating this girl who has done nothing but cause heartache to him ....and conflict for all of us who love him...but he really is convinced that he loves her...they have broken up but she strings him along ;they talk on the phone ,she comes here,he there , go to church (2 x) etc. but @ school he is not "allowed" to sit with her or hold hands..etc.
Her family is very critical of other families and religion ...really long story..
We as a family & sons friends see that he has went from a happy young man to a confused , sad boy....
These people come under the ruse of "saving his sole" ... this girl is doing nothing but playing head games.....
DS is in 10th (she in 9th) he's in AP classes on Honor roll (grades are slipping but not a big problem yet) he's been invited to attend the Govenors school in our district, he's an outstanding athlete and will be featured in Who's Who Among American High School Students...
How long do I let this continue without me ending it for them...I will not let this ruin my sons future......
Marcy1

 
Old 02-11-2004, 09:13 AM   #2
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 157
t-dash HB User
Re: sons heartbreak

Confront the girl about it, ask her what her intentions are, don't be aggressive, hostile, or angry towards her. Be very polite, maybe even try to reason with her but your goal should be to make her see the damaging effects she's having and ask her to either change or leave him alone. You're son may get mad, but if you're lucky the girl will realise what she's done to him (she may be unaware of her effects) and change her ways. Otherwise... try asking the parenting board, I'm afraid we don't really have any parenting skills on this board :P

t dash

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1
I am the mom to a wonderful 16yr. son...The problem is a long one but I will try to summerize....DS starting dating this girl who has done nothing but cause heartache to him ....and conflict for all of us who love him...but he really is convinced that he loves her...they have broken up but she strings him along ;they talk on the phone ,she comes here,he there , go to church (2 x) etc. but @ school he is not "allowed" to sit with her or hold hands..etc.
Her family is very critical of other families and religion ...really long story..
We as a family & sons friends see that he has went from a happy young man to a confused , sad boy....
These people come under the ruse of "saving his sole" ... this girl is doing nothing but playing head games.....
DS is in 10th (she in 9th) he's in AP classes on Honor roll (grades are slipping but not a big problem yet) he's been invited to attend the Govenors school in our district, he's an outstanding athlete and will be featured in Who's Who Among American High School Students...
How long do I let this continue without me ending it for them...I will not let this ruin my sons future......
Marcy1

 
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Old 02-11-2004, 10:46 AM   #3
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Virginia
Posts: 18
Marcy1 HB User
Re: sons heartbreak

Quote:
Originally Posted by t-dash
Confront the girl about it, ask her what her intentions are, don't be aggressive, hostile, or angry towards her. Be very polite, maybe even try to reason with her but your goal should be to make her see the damaging effects she's having and ask her to either change or leave him alone. You're son may get mad, but if you're lucky the girl will realise what she's done to him (she may be unaware of her effects) and change her ways. Otherwise... try asking the parenting board, I'm afraid we don't really have any parenting skills on this board :P

t dash
Thank you t dash for replying ; I did have a talk with her twice in great length (about 3 wks ago), and I was fairly certain that she would be conscious of her actions...hence the stringing along ...
Thanks for recommendation of the parenting board, and I think your advice was skillful.....I guess I wanted opinions for both sides of the coin sort of speaking...
Marcy1

 
Old 02-11-2004, 02:51 PM   #4
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: sons heartbreak

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1
she strings him along ;they talk on the phone ,she comes here,he there , go to church (2 x) etc.



I can relate to some degree on this situation....


When I was in Jr. High & High school I was best friends with this one girl. We dated of and on but never got anything to work because of my faults. In those day I wanted to be single, date different girls, and be the class clown I was. This girl was different; she was book smart and very quiet.

In school the most we ever said was hi to each other when we were dating or when we weren't. When we didn't date we hung all the time, called, and did what most couple do....and all I was doing was leading her on to somthing I was not ready for and that was a long term relationship. All those years she was like quided on my leash. She would do everything I did and even plan her future to go in the air force like me so she can be with me.

When we graduated I started to get really close again and I didn't go to the air force. She did end up going a few months after and we stopped the relationship. Today she is seeing a guy and I am happy that she is happy, but If I would have just made things right in high school instead of trying to impress others things could be a lot different today.

I am suggesting that if this girl does want a relationship then they would be together but it looks as if she may got someone wrapped around her fingure. If they were really close before they dated then I could say it seems like they are just continues a great friendship, but this isn't the case.

 
Old 02-13-2004, 07:02 AM   #5
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Virginia
Posts: 18
Marcy1 HB User
Re: sons heartbreak

eightball61,
thank you for sharing your experience ,its really helpfull!!! update, I had another talk with the girl the evening that I originally wrote here...again I was duped ....we talked (she mostly) at great leangth , she told me that she had told my son multiple xs that she didn't want anything serious , and that if my son asks her back out on Valentines Day she would say no .....anyway later that night while my son and her were talking on the phone, she had the odasity to tell him that she had never said those things and that I must not like her and be making it up,well needless to say (yes ,dh and I were listening in) I had to speak up for myself and call her on it ; which she fessed up to..jeez.......I think ds was floored to hear her lying about our conversaion....
Then yesterday they were talking again and yes we were listening and even if its wrong for me to do that , I'm so glad that we did because if ds would had come to us and told us the things that she was saying I would had never believed it ........she had a huge episode ,actually scary really.......
I've told my son that the relationship has to be severed one way or another.....he knows this but its so hard for him because he really does care for her and then I also think he's very scared that she may hurt herself..( a girl he was in junior high with shot herself in the head but lived for a week, very sad )and I know that is in his mind.......
Ds has already bought her Valentines presents and she is supposed to come here tomorrow .....
I think we've decided to monitor and let it ride over the weekend and then Monday I'm going to work up the nerve to call her mom and talk to her . I don't want to really deal this girl anymore but I think that her mother needs to be aware so she can help her daughter ....this girl has borderline personality disorder ........
Thanks for listening to me
Marcy1

 
Old 02-13-2004, 01:30 PM   #6
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: sons heartbreak

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1
eightball61,
thank you for sharing your experience ,its really helpfull!!! update, I had another talk with the girl the evening that I originally wrote here...again I was duped ....we talked (she mostly) at great leangth , she told me that she had told my son multiple xs that she didn't want anything serious , and that if my son asks her back out on Valentines Day she would say no .....anyway later that night while my son and her were talking on the phone, she had the odasity to tell him that she had never said those things and that I must not like her and be making it up,well needless to say (yes ,dh and I were listening in) I had to speak up for myself and call her on it ; which she fessed up to..jeez.......I think ds was floored to hear her lying about our conversaion....
Then yesterday they were talking again and yes we were listening and even if its wrong for me to do that , I'm so glad that we did because if ds would had come to us and told us the things that she was saying I would had never believed it ........she had a huge episode ,actually scary really.......
I've told my son that the relationship has to be severed one way or another.....he knows this but its so hard for him because he really does care for her and then I also think he's very scared that she may hurt herself..( a girl he was in junior high with shot herself in the head but lived for a week, very sad )and I know that is in his mind.......
Ds has already bought her Valentines presents and she is supposed to come here tomorrow .....
I think we've decided to monitor and let it ride over the weekend and then Monday I'm going to work up the nerve to call her mom and talk to her . I don't want to really deal this girl anymore but I think that her mother needs to be aware so she can help her daughter ....this girl has borderline personality disorder ........
Thanks for listening to me
Marcy1


Hello again...


It seems to me a lot of what going on at this time is giving mixxed signals to both parties. Another words I dont' think you should listen to there convo's anymore just to prove she was lying. You allready proved it to your son and now he should have an understand what this girl is capable of...and thats nothing but trouble.

If I was you I would wait to call her mom. The reason why is I would talk to your son on how he felt if all 4 of you got together one night to discuss everything openminded and adult like to get everything settled. It has been allready addressed that she don't want a relationship and it will take a while for him to get over it, but what need to be gone over is how they want to make a friendship work without think andything is going to happen.

Its seem they still want to be friends(of course he wants more) but has to accept thats all it is going to be. If things weren't meant to happen then they would be back together.

If you do have a convo with all 4 of you, another thing should be said is to give them a week or two without eachother hanging out or talking on the phone. That will give your son time to cool off and ease up a bit. Now, the first week he may go through a moody stage cause he misses her but just give him love and support and let him deal with the changes. He is now at the age where he wants to work things out himself and I am sure you'll be there if he needs a good chat.


Let me know what you think!!!!

 
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