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Old 02-14-2004, 10:48 AM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 91
jillybelly HB User
Unhappy abuse...

ok, i said it. my boyfriend... he... does... it...

I'm scared. Of everything.

I'm lost...

I talked to a friend about it last night. He lives half way across the country and can't really help, btu it's a good thing because he was horrified and said he would've "killed that *******"

i phoned kids help phone... DONT LAUGH...

The woman told me i really need to get out of the situation. It's ruining my life. My grades have dropped, I've lost interest in everything I used to love, I quit most of my sports teams, I've stopped talking to most of my friends, my asthma is terrible... I almost passed out while I was driving yesterday because our arguing triggered an attack...

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME??????????????????

WHY CAN'T I GET THE COURAGE TO DUMP HIM?????????????????????????

I'm afraid, because he tries to control everything I do. He tries to take me from my friends, family, school work, sports, clubs... eveything. He won't accept my asthma, wants me to go to his place where him and his parents smoke ALL THE TIME!!!.

He has hit me, threatened me, harrassed me, tried to choke me.... I spend all of my time crying... he holds everything against me, like my mom's death, my brother being gay, my eating disorder... says i don't need the anti-depressants I'm on....

I tried to break up with him and he threatened to kill himself. WHAT CAN I DO?????

When I'm driving he tries to haul the car off the road (jerks the stering wheel), he puts it in neutral so i can't get anywhere until i talk to him and do what he wants me to do... He takes my cell phone when i threaten to call the cops... he says they'd never believe me and that nobody would stand up for me...

i just wish it would all stop. i'm having a terrible valentine's day

 
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Old 02-14-2004, 11:38 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Tx
Posts: 1,125
Jenetti HB User
Re: abuse...

First thing i have to say is Im sorry youre going thru this situation.
Second thing is GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!! and fast! Don't fall for that "ill kill myself " routine. That man needs psychiatric care. It's only emotional blackmail. And if he DOES kill himself, that won't be YOUR FAULT. He's got some emotional problems and it's not something that you are capable of controlling or fixing yourself.
Third thing is, LET the POLICE know and i suggest you have them serve him with a restraining order (which is a start, but doesn't do much for protection). Once he is served CALL THE POLICE EVERY and i mean EVERY single time he contacts you or tries to see you.
May i ask how old you are? i know it has nothing to do (age) since abuse happens at any age, but im just curious . Is there someone you can move in with temporarily to feel more secure? Do you live with him?
Fourth is you need to know YOUR LIFE is in danger! Seriously! You do NOT deserve to be (nobody does) treated this way and as LONG as you accept it, IT WILL CONTINUE. WHY should he stop if you continue letting it happen???????
Please, let this day, be a new beginning for you. You say you are having a terrible valentines day, hon, you have a terrible relationship and asking for help is a BEGINNING. But DON"T stop there. Asking for help, and following thru on suggestions are two seperate things. Many people ask for help but don't do anything about it. PLEASE, talk to your friends, family, ask for their help as well. That way they will keep an eye on things too. BUT i strongly suggest, that you end that relationship quickly. ANYone who abuses any human being, is in need of psychiatric help. If you continue allowing it to happen, without trying to move on and get out of a situation like that is only allowing him to believe he can continue doing so.
YOU DESERVE MUCH BETTER HONEY. NOW just believe that YOURSELF.

Wish you the best and please keep us informed.
Jen

 
Old 02-14-2004, 01:52 PM   #3
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Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 91
jillybelly HB User
Re: abuse...

I'm 17. I live with my dad, but he's controlling too, and he'd be really mad at me (don't ask me why), so i'm not going to tell him about this. I think i can probably work up the courage to confide in a couple of people i trust, but i doubt i'd be able to call the cops. I live in a very small place, so if i called the cops, i'd be known as a rat and tortured and ridiculed everywhere i go...

I'm determined to break it off on Monday. I am waiting until Monday because that way we'll be in school around a lot of people. I can't go out until sunday cause of my asthma and cause the doctor ordered me to stay away from everything triggering (cold air included)...

I'm just really scared... I don't want to let on to him how i feel, but he's coming up here after supper. He "wants to spend valentine's day with me", btu yet he didn't phone telling me he loved me, he phoned mad at me. And he didn't take me out for supper... he stayed home. I haven't seen him yet today, only for a second and even then he knew somethign had changed about me...

thanks for being so supportive jen, I'll keep in touch

jillybelly

 
Old 02-14-2004, 02:13 PM   #4
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: canada
Posts: 31
laellis1975 HB User
Re: abuse...

Jen is right, GET OUT while you can. Can you talk to a school councellor or a teacher that you trust? Your dad may just surprise you if you talk to him about the situation, it may be worth a try. Don't put up with that any more, you deserve much more, and he has no right to treat you that way and endanger your life. What about your brother? Can you talk to him maybe? Being in a small town, you may find that more people then you think may know what a jerk this kid is, and be more then willing to help you. A restraining order is also a really good idea to get. You are very young, you should get back with your friends and start doing the things you enjoyed before. Being alone on valentine's day doesn't have to be bad, sounds like you can treat yourself way better then he ever could, and maybe you should tell him that you can't see him later, that way you don't have to worry about him mistreating you today anyway. If you find that you cannot talk to any of the above mentioned people, try a friends parents, or thier brother or sister, someone will listen and help! I will check back to see how you are holding up, good luck, and happy valentine's day, enjoy it without him!!!!!

 
Old 02-14-2004, 04:21 PM   #5
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Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 91
jillybelly HB User
Re: abuse...

well.... i dunno what to say...

I phoned him. I wasn't sure what to say when I did. He said he was going out with some friends (apparently he forgot about coming up here...). I said ok, and that it was ok with me. Then he kept asking if I wanted him to come up here, but I said no that he had already told his friends he was going out...

I thought that would be fine but he wouldn't get off of the phone... eventually I told him that I didn't want to talk to him any more. He got ******. He kept on askign me "Why?why?why?" Eventually I hung up on him because he was only threatening me. Then he phoned right back and I told him to talk. He kept on asking me why I didn't want to talk, so I said for him to just go out and forget about it. I hung up again, and he didn't phone back.

I was happy, thought I was off scot free. Boy was I wrong. He came up and stormed into the house about 5 minutes later. He demanded me to tell him why I didn't want to talk to him. I just said, don't ask. Then he got all pissy and started yelling at me, hitting the couch, the walls. I kinda got devensive and curled up in a ball (I do this instinctively now). Then he started hitting me and pulling me to face him. He stuck his face into mine and kept demanding to know what my problem was. I told him that HE was my problem, and the mere fact that he would do something like this to somebody he loved, was my problem. He said, "what the **** are you talking about?"

He claimed he treated me wonderfully, that he did everything in the world he could possibly do for me.

Anyways, the arguments went on. Eventually I told him that it was over. He kept saying, "are you sure? look me in the face and say it again!"

When I told him I was serious, and that it was REALLY over, he totally flipped over. He started to cry. I made him swear he was going to be alright, before he left. I was sooooo relieved and was about to get in my jeep with my dog, when I heard him mumbling to himself that he had nothing anymore. that he might as well die...

I ran yelling for him to stop (was this stupid??) and he was crying. He said he was sorry, but that he knew there was no point to be. He said he felt really bad for hurting me, and that he wished he hadn't done it. He said he had tried not to be like that, but he couldn't help it. Then he said, he knows there's no excuse, that he had no right to ever hurt me in any way. He said he wished he could stop being like this, that it really hurt him deep down...

i dunno, i told him i couldn't. i told him there was no way i could be hurt again. He said he understood, That he had no right to even ask for me back. I said would he change if we got back together. And, he said, no, there was no way, he'd tried before and it hadn't worked.

I told him I couldn't do it, that I'd tried it countless times and he'd still hit me, and treated me horribly. He said he understood... Then he begged me to help him. That he'd go anywhere do anything, to change. He didn't want to change for me, but for him in general. He said he was sick of everybody being so mad at him, sick of being in trouble all of the time. He was sick of failing in school, and of hurting me and his family. He said he wanted help...

I guess that's what made me fall... I hugged him. I told him I'd help him. I told him I'd give him ONE chance only. He said he was grateful...

Ok, so later, he asked me to get some movies, but we decided not to and decided to spend the night apart. I swore that I'd be fine (I kind of needed a break) and then he made me swear I'd only give him one chance. That if he EVER did anything to me, I'd leave right away. I agreed to it, and went home.

Last edited by jillybelly; 02-14-2004 at 06:27 PM. Reason: i got interrupted. i had to watch "how to deal"

 
Old 02-14-2004, 07:38 PM   #6
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: canada
Posts: 31
laellis1975 HB User
Re: abuse...

jillybelly, I sure hope you did not just fall into a classic trap of the vicious circle of abuse, you know how it goes, I just hope this is not the beginning of it all over again for you. Just remember, you are young yet, there are plenty of good guys out there just waiting to find the perfect someone to treat like a queen, so don't settle for anything less then that! Good luck

 
Old 02-15-2004, 07:43 AM   #7
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 293
Leanea HB User
Re: abuse...

If you think about it the most helpful thing you can do for him is leave him alone to deal with his problems, because you can't help him. You are not his doctor and you are not his babysitter. You have your own problems and you are making yourself worse (asthma, depression, difficult family? etc...) when you need to be trying to solve your problems. Instead you've put his problems first because they are affecting you in a bad way.....but just because you are affected by his problems doesn't make them yours! Your biggest problem at the moment is to get a back-bone and start standing up for yourself! I hope that makes you mad enough to get him out of of your life and get on with yours! You are seventeen and I hope that you realise your life is.......YOURS. The only time you will be in charge of someone else's life is when you have a baby.....but first you need to know how to take care of you....I was is an abusive relationship for three years and left a year ago, but my health is still not as good as it was before I met my ex. I didn't have any support so it's been hard! All I can say is the sooner you leave him the better. Your health is important.

 
Old 02-17-2004, 12:28 PM   #8
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: coastal SC
Posts: 508
lane71501 HB User
Re: abuse...

JILLY-
get out now. i was in a relationship just like yours when i was just out of college. i ran that treadmill and walked on eggshells all the time at the end (3.5 years later). he was emotionally and eventually physically abusive (tried to choke me). i used to believe i could change him and help him. totally not true! after i got sick of the fights, being called fat, ugly, nobody would ever want me, stupid, etc, not to mention his isolating me from my parents and friends, i threw him out. of course he threatened to kill himself, me, my husband, drove into the side of my car, harassed me at work, stalked me and my husband. we eventually had to have him arrested after he threated to kill all of us (it had been over 3 years since i dumped him and the 1st restraining order).
it has taken years and alcohol addiction(totally other story) for me to get past all this. you are sooooo young. don't let him control your life. NOBODY deserves to be treated like crap. There are plenty of men out there who know how to love women and treat them well.
today, i consider myself lucky. my ex didn't kill me. i am married with a small child. i have what i need; and it certainly wasn't that jerk.
take care! be careful.

Last edited by lane71501; 02-17-2004 at 12:30 PM.

 
Old 02-23-2004, 09:43 AM   #9
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: abuse...

I am praying for you It just tears me up when guys do this just to show who's boss. A relationship in a joint team work. And if there is only one player you don't deserve him.

Like everyone has said you need out, but this can be hard because of the type of person he is. What you may need to do is break up with him with a group of friends there or someone that is there that can protect you from the worse. Then you may want to think about getting a restraining order. This will help keep him away until he take time to cool off and stay away. You may want to consider hanging with close people you know and at a public setting like the movies or the mall.

I am sorry to hear this and please keep us updated......

 
Old 03-08-2004, 07:37 AM   #10
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Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 169
Snowbunnie HB User
Re: abuse...

I dont even know if you are reading these posts anymore but jelly you need to get out. The crying and begging is all part on the control factor of domestic violence. He needs help and he needs someone trained to help him.. not you. It wont end.. it may get better for awhile and then it happens again and the same thing happens he says hes gonna kill himself and hell do anything and u fall in his trap and hes got you again.. 99.9% of the time these are lies.. hes not gonna kill himself but hes gonna say anything to have control over you... its not gonna get better.. i waitied for 2 years in a violent relationship thinking things couldnt get worse they could only get better and once he got help he would be ok.. wrong.. now i look back and read and say how could she not leave but i know the answer bc i was in the same spot and took the violence for 2 years.. BUT i am one of the lucky ones out there.. there are a lot of people who stayed in the situation and well they didnt get out and thats where their lives have ended.. you are young and have ur whole life ahead of you.. imo the police didnt help much.. go to a womens shelter.. domestic violence places will help you the most.. they will give u a place to stay until you can find something else.. get out while u have the chance.. this is your life u are talking about..

 
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