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Old 02-19-2004, 05:40 PM   #1
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x0x_kitty_x0x HB User
Unhappy What can I do to help him?

Hey guys, I just registered here because I was doing some searches for help, and this is where it got me. I'm only 17 years old, and my boyfriend is an alcoholic. I don't know what I can do to help him, because I know that he wants help badly, but he somehow can't get up the courage to go to an AA meeting. I don't want to leave him, and I don't think that I can, because I'm afraid of what he might do to himself. He admits to me, and only me, that he has a drinking problem, but what can I do about it? Every time I ask him if he's been drinking, and he has, he lies about it. But the next day he'll admit the truth to me, and I always get so mad. I really think that his lies are putting this relationship into serious jeopardy, and I'm scared to lose him. He's really a great guy, but he's convinced himself that he's a screwup. The reason for this is because all through high school, he drank and partied (this was before I knew him). He barely passed. But now he's in college and I've never seen anyone work so hard to better themselves or to make things work out just the way he wants them to. But no matter what I say, he won't listen. Please, I'm really dazed and confused here, and if anyone could give me any advice whatsoever about this relationship, I'd be so grateful.

Last edited by x0x_kitty_x0x; 02-19-2004 at 05:44 PM.

 
Old 02-19-2004, 05:57 PM   #2
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Posts: 1,589
GirlHarley HB User
Re: What can I do to help him?

Hi there -
This is not your problem nor should you make it yours.
As far as your comment post:I really think that his lies are putting this relationship into serious jeopardy: Your relationship is already in Jeopardy....He has to want to quick - only HE can do this.. NOT YOU.
This is not something a 17 year old girl should be having boyfriend problems with. Any why are YOU doing the reserach? He should be! Not you.
Ask yourself why? I suggest you remove yourself from this sitaution for awhile. Your boyfriend has to WANT TO help himself.
I'm sorry I am not giving you any sugar coating advise here....You have no idea what your in for! Nor Should You Be. Be a friend to him. But you need to out with your girlfriends and enjoy yourself at your young beautiful age doing what 17 year olds do..Loving him more won't help him . He has to love himself and find out why he is drinking.
PLEASE! From someone who has been there, done that, got sick over,
and is older and wiser...This is not your problem...Please keep me posted...

 
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Old 02-19-2004, 06:25 PM   #3
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Easton, Pa
Posts: 734
promisez HB User
Re: What can I do to help him?

As Harley said, no sugarcoating. I will break my anonymity since you are so young. You may also wish to post this on the addictions board.

My name is Dave and I am an alcoholic. These are the words I open every AA meeting I go to with. The difference between your friend and I is that I not only admitted I have a problem, I did something about it. Yes, the first meeting is a scary thought but considering the lies, deceipt, untrustworthiness and even death as an alternative, I walked in. I drank for 12 years after my son died in my arms. Others started for other reasons, or excuses we thought were reasons should I say. The more others tried to "help" me when I was drinking, the longer I drank. Why bother when there were no bad things happening to me like losing friends or loved ones? I took those same people who tried to "help" me down to the pits of hell with me before they gave up and "abandoned" me. The longer one stays in that kind of relationship, the further down they go losing everything trying to cover for the alcoholic and letting the world think everything is "normal" in the relationship. The usual nickname is Enabler. I would suggest you go to Alanon, they are listed in the white pages or any AA contact number can get you to a meeting. Also once he starts meetings if he goes, it is suggested that there be no major changes for a year to give him time to work on his disease and all the damage done so far. If he refuses to get help, the best word I can offer here is RUN.

 
Old 02-20-2004, 02:04 AM   #4
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 135
Tree Hugger HB User
Re: What can I do to help him?

I agree with everyone here and as someone who dated an alcholic for 2 years and was badly abused for the last year of it I can tell you the same... it is NOT your problem and HE is the one who needs to help himself. You cant make someone change they have to decide when they are good and ready. If he says he wants help then HE needs to do somthing about it. It is hard and especially at the age of 17 but what I did when i finally realized my boyfriend was out of controle was I took him to an Alanon meeting and I sat through the whole thing and thats when i actually realized I had to get away from him and he needed to get serious help.
HE got the help there, once he was in the door he broke down and it really helped him. He has recoverd since then and has his life back on track although even when he soberd up I wasnt planning on EVER going back to him!
But you need to nip stuff like this in the bud before it gets out of hand! And by that i dont mean you need to stop his drinking for him... I mean you need to get out of the situation before he depends on you more and more and maybe starts to become abusive and drags you down with him!! But remember this is not your responisiblilty I took it on myself and it caused me a lot of stress!
At the age of 17 he is still a minor and this may sound "lame" but have u thought about telling his parents? does he have a supportive family? And if so what about a guidance counsler at school. If you feel you ABSOLUTLY HAVE to do somthign then you should tell someone older and possibly even trained in helping with these problems, while you may want to take it all onto your shoulders, DONT! All you can give is advice as a friend byt Step back from the relationship and be sure he knows you wont stand for this anymore! He needs to decide to fix it himself and if he wont ... as the above poster said RUN RUN RUN. Do NOT get stuck in the cycle with him!!
__________________
The question is not, Can they reason? nor Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?

Last edited by Tree Hugger; 02-20-2004 at 02:08 AM.

 
Old 02-20-2004, 02:11 PM   #5
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x0x_kitty_x0x HB User
Re: What can I do to help him?

well, see, i'm 17, he's 20

 
Old 02-20-2004, 02:39 PM   #6
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Easton, Pa
Posts: 734
promisez HB User
Re: What can I do to help him?

Not too sound harsh but if all you can say after being told how much hell you will be going through is what ages you are, maybe you should post this same question on the addictions board. I know all to well what is in store, as do a few here but we can't stop you from going through it, we can only let you know we've done it already for you, you don't have to go there. Then again, maybe you do. Not only does alcoholism kill people, it destroys everyone involved with the alcoholic. The path in front of you, the choice you make now will affect you for years possibly, please keep self preservation in mind. You are in my prayers.

 
Old 02-20-2004, 03:47 PM   #7
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 135
Tree Hugger HB User
Re: What can I do to help him?

if hes 20, hes a man, he needs to start acting like one TAKE some damn responsibility for him self. Somtimes the one thing that pushes people to getting help is a well needed slap in the face (not literlly... well maybe litterly too)
BUT seriously dont just sit by and watch this happen get yourself out of the situation and tell him thats it unless he gets help, then his true colour may come through... either way. No one should have to be brought down by this dont just let him take you down with him it takes effort and will hurt, but it will be better in the end.
__________________
The question is not, Can they reason? nor Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?

 
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