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Old 04-03-2004, 11:48 AM   #1
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irblir HB User
Troubles with a friend

ok this is going to be kinda long but i really need advise on what to do.

diana, heather, and i have been like a team since the begining of this year. we did everything togther and always hung out. well, untill heather went to florida (as she always does) for winter break. during that time diana and i got closer togetherr and have become best friends. when heather came back we noticed she had changed and this change is what we are arguing about now.

well, for a long time after the trip she would get text messages form some guy she met at florida and it was ok for awhile until it got way out of hand. now heather is the type of girl who is insecure about her looks and weight (considering her family has bad genetics, she looks pretty good). she became so absorbed with this boy in florida that she would abandon her school work and friends just to talk to him. i mean, we'd all be hanging out togetehr and she's on the cell with him or is text messaging him. this all stopped when he finally told her that he found someone else and needless to say she was depressed.

at this point diana and i were pretty upset with her attitude and had been talking about it b/w ourselves for weeks and weeks, we were afraid of letting her know b/c she also is too sensative and would overreact and of course tell EVERYTHING to her parents. well, once again at school she is sulking over her bad test grade and grade in the class that i decided i couldnt take it anymore. so that noght online i told her that she was lazy and needed to get over it and focuse more on school. she lashes out claiming "you dont know me or my life" and i was deeply hurt by this. for the longest tiem after that she would make jokes about what i told her to diana and never addressed to me that it was such a big problem to her. so eventually i apologized for what i said, although i stand by it, yet thigns continued to get tense.

soon she left me out of the picture and glued herself to diana, making her very angry b/c heather would make her feel bad if she wasn't invited to anything diana did. she could care less about me. well, diana and i decided to keep our distance form her till she straightened up and we hoped that tiem would heal all. it didn't. she again lashed out at me online and i told her that we shoudl all calmly discuss this later. so the next day at school i tried my best to talk to her and get diana to talk to her; and i mean i REALLY tried. but in 1st hour we didnt talk to her till the end of class, at least me, and she yelled at me claiming that "oh NOW you wnat to talk to me?" and i tried to explain to her but she jus kept making me look liek the bad guy. she did this again in the next class and i was furious. but i still tried to show her i want to be friends by claiming to have my cell ring during class instead of hers. i found out later that day she made amends with diana but never me.

so i went on for weeks pretending thigs were ok but she kept ignoring me and trating me like a dog. so i ignored her again and of course she notices and asks me, in the same clas she lashed out at me, if i was "mad at her". i didnt respond, i just turned to talk to someone else. i noticed that later she was writing a note and i assumed it was for asking why i was angry. at the end of class she gives the note to diana, askign if she was angry at her. and well since then i've continued to ignore her and she hasnt made any attempts to make up with me.

so my questions are:
1) should i try again to be the one to make amends or just drop her as a friend (im really sick of all this)

2)how much should i tell her? the wholetruth b/c i dont think she can handle the truth

SORRY THIS WAS REALLY LONG! if you need anymore info about this let me know, this was the "cut down" versio

 
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Old 04-03-2004, 12:40 PM   #2
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rainagain HB User
Re: Troubles with a friend

this is hard the only advise i can give you is that if you really care about her try talking to her again. it's not going to hurt is it. or you could just let her cool down some more. the same thing happened with me a few years ago with my best friends. i have these two other friends we at the time were really close we would see each other everyday and we would always talk to each other about everything but to make this short we ende up getting into a big fight because my friend was overreactingand getting to sensative about everything, we stooped talking to each other for almost one year. thats how long it took us all to calm down.
In your case i can understand how your friend is feeling right now if she is as insecure as you say she is try talking to her again if you want and if your ready. if you guys really care about each other dont worry and just it time if she still does not want to talk to you after youve tried again.

Last edited by rainagain; 04-03-2004 at 12:44 PM.

 
Old 04-04-2004, 05:35 AM   #3
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Troubles with a friend

You shouldn't drop her as a friend. You do seem very caring and after this fling is through she may need someone to bleed to. A good friend will stand by another friend even though rough times.

Its like I said in another post; people change and will seek new opertunities to find who they are. This guy is something she never had before probably. A male figure that saw her as a person rather than what she may look like.

When you fall in love its going to be the same way except she will be on here complaining about you. The best thing you can do is let her learn about life. It is great that you give input as a friend but there is only so much you can do.

 
Old 04-04-2004, 11:46 AM   #4
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irblir HB User
Re: Troubles with a friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
You shouldn't drop her as a friend. You do seem very caring and after this fling is through she may need someone to bleed to. A good friend will stand by another friend even though rough times.

Its like I said in another post; people change and will seek new opertunities to find who they are. This guy is something she never had before probably. A male figure that saw her as a person rather than what she may look like.

When you fall in love its going to be the same way except she will be on here complaining about you. The best thing you can do is let her learn about life. It is great that you give input as a friend but there is only so much you can do.
wow i never thought of it that way. im gonna try to talk things over again with but i think it'd be best if we kept our distance for awhile afterwards b/c i know things will be tough. i think i will keep in mind the fact that she needs to change and i can't help that (even if it isnt always the best). well thank you very much

 
Old 04-04-2004, 12:01 PM   #5
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Hipeep85 HB User
Re: Troubles with a friend

hi... I have a similar prob with my two bestfriends...one left us and then came back and prefers the other girl over me and used me... I told the friend that i was bestfriends with (since the other had left us) that i just wouldn't hang with her when the other girl is around because she doesnt like me... there is a LONG story but i dont have time to write it but to make things short i told this girl that i wasnt mad but we still dont talk....I've made tons of new friends and im having a blast with them! It might be time to move on... If talking about ur prob with her doesnt fix it then it might be time for the two of yall to move on too!

 
Old 04-04-2004, 01:00 PM   #6
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Troubles with a friend

Maybe the best thing is to stay away like you said and give her some room, but remember you are still a friend to her and she may still need to share some smotional thoughts. Just don't drop her over this, like I said we all change but never forget who our real friends are. She will be back...This is just an experiment like in science class.

 
Old 04-04-2004, 03:54 PM   #7
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journalistic HB User
Re: Troubles with a friend

Ah. The problem lies with how convoluted and complicated the three-way fighting has gotten. There are probably a million stories just like yours. I think we've all been through similar problems in middle/high school.

Here's the thing -- it's never fun to lose a friend you care for. By coming here and spilling your guts, by spending your free time to fix things, this all shows you are a good friend and really want things to work out. But what you also need to understand is that there is a certain way to talk to people to resolve issues.

You need to disregard the past. You can't change what has been said or done. You can't keep placing blame or pointing fingers just because she has hurt your feelings. Clearly you still care enough to want to be friends with her, and we all make mistakes and say/do things that we will regret later. And when we're young and for the first time a guy really shows interest in us, we get so caught up in puppy love that we sometimes forget who was truly there for us all along.

If I were you, I'd send her a long email (or give her a long note), apologizing and completely forgiving for what has been said and done in the past. Let her know that she means a lot to you and that you will be there to talk to if she needs you. Do not mention what she has done in the past, do not bring up any current little tiffs or mean things she has done at school because that will defeat the purpose and really turn her off.

If she still responds to you negatively, then I'd say give it time and let her come to you. At that point, you will have done everything possible to salvage the friendship, and it is up to her to come to you if she would like to make things right again.

I know school can be hell if you have trouble with friends, so I'm really hoping everything works out for you three.

 
Old 04-04-2004, 08:25 PM   #8
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irblir HB User
Re: Troubles with a friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by journalistic
Ah. The problem lies with how convoluted and complicated the three-way fighting has gotten. There are probably a million stories just like yours. I think we've all been through similar problems in middle/high school.

Here's the thing -- it's never fun to lose a friend you care for. By coming here and spilling your guts, by spending your free time to fix things, this all shows you are a good friend and really want things to work out. But what you also need to understand is that there is a certain way to talk to people to resolve issues.

You need to disregard the past. You can't change what has been said or done. You can't keep placing blame or pointing fingers just because she has hurt your feelings. Clearly you still care enough to want to be friends with her, and we all make mistakes and say/do things that we will regret later. And when we're young and for the first time a guy really shows interest in us, we get so caught up in puppy love that we sometimes forget who was truly there for us all along.

If I were you, I'd send her a long email (or give her a long note), apologizing and completely forgiving for what has been said and done in the past. Let her know that she means a lot to you and that you will be there to talk to if she needs you. Do not mention what she has done in the past, do not bring up any current little tiffs or mean things she has done at school because that will defeat the purpose and really turn her off.

If she still responds to you negatively, then I'd say give it time and let her come to you. At that point, you will have done everything possible to salvage the friendship, and it is up to her to come to you if she would like to make things right again.

I know school can be hell if you have trouble with friends, so I'm really hoping everything works out for you three.
i really like the idea and have long considered it but i'm still hurt by what she has done and annother thing that she does is bring up the past. for instance, she always recalls a time one of my other friends ditched her to go hand out with another person, and this was in 5th grade! so i'm worried that if i apologize she'll think i was responsible for all this fighting (which i recently foud out she does) and use this as an excuse to belittle me in front of others. i've also noticed that she is only interested in this fighting in public where she can yell and put a show for everyone but in private she has nothing to do with me. so i'm considering if she's really worth all this cause friends do come and go

 
Old 04-05-2004, 07:23 AM   #9
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Troubles with a friend

It seems like she is in the point of her life where she wants to be the one that everyone talks about. The problem is you all are talking about her in the way she doesn't like and thats where the fighting comes in.

In a way you all should be happy that she has a guy that she is interested in and talking to. In reality you all shouldn't let it bother you. Remember this is just a fling. This guy lives in Florida how can she carry a long term relationship still being in school.

This will all fly by, just give it time.

 
Old 04-06-2004, 04:05 PM   #10
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irblir HB User
Re: Troubles with a friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by eightball61
It seems like she is in the point of her life where she wants to be the one that everyone talks about. The problem is you all are talking about her in the way she doesn't like and thats where the fighting comes in.

In a way you all should be happy that she has a guy that she is interested in and talking to. In reality you all shouldn't let it bother you. Remember this is just a fling. This guy lives in Florida how can she carry a long term relationship still being in school.

This will all fly by, just give it time.
oh no, the florida boy gave up on her a while ago. she now has a boyfriend from a town a couple miles from here (once again, she met him online in a chat). i dont have a problem with her boyfriend at all, it's just that she rubs it in that she has one and we don't. like the day we had the whole fight in class i had told her that we all shoudl meet up afterschool and she blew us off to go hang with her bf rather than work this out. my problem with her is about her and i'm going to make sure that when we talk about this again that she knows that

 
Old 04-06-2004, 06:03 PM   #11
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eightball61 HB User
Re: Troubles with a friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by irblir
oh no, the florida boy gave up on her a while ago. she now has a boyfriend from a town a couple miles from here (once again, she met him online in a chat). i dont have a problem with her boyfriend at all, it's just that she rubs it in that she has one and we don't. like the day we had the whole fight in class i had told her that we all shoudl meet up afterschool and she blew us off to go hang with her bf rather than work this out. my problem with her is about her and i'm going to make sure that when we talk about this again that she knows that

I don't want you to think that I am sticking up for her but maybe you need just to give her space. Remember this is kinda her first BF and the reason why she maybe rubbing it in is because when you girls had BF's all you guys did was talk about it and she was left out.

Like I said even though you may not like her reactions let her get into a relationship with this guy. It is ok to talk about your feelings but do it in a grown up way, another words express your feeling but dont do it in a fighting and hurtful way.

 
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