It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Teen Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 06-05-2004, 09:00 PM   #1
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 35
jengisima HB User
problems with my boyfriend :( Please post! I'm so lost!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. We love each other so much. He treats me like a queen and respects my decisions; when I told him that I wanted to wait to have sex until marriage, he was totally on board without any questions or doubts. He actually seemed excited. (Yes, he's unique). but now we've hit a rough spot. He has a lot of family problems going on, and he has gotten very depressed. I thought it would be a temporary thing, but it isn't; he's been depressed for around 5 to 6 months on and off. Some days are great together, but other days he just wallows in the pain. His family problems are bad, but I don't think they're worth wallowing in self pity for. I have been very supportive of him for a long time, but I'm worn out from it. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to spend or relationship hoping that today might be the day that he seems happy. I've told him that I'm not happy and he needs to be strong and learn to rise above his problems, but he doesn't seem to take me seriously. He just gets offended and says that I don't think his problems are that bad. This makes me really angry, because I know his problems are bad, but I don't think he should ruin all the good in his life by focusing on them! I don't want to break up with him, but I miss him being the funny, sweet, SMILING, fun boyfriend he used to be. What can I do to convince him that things need to change? I know that they say you can't change guys, but I don't think it's true because he's changed for me before. What can I say to him to make him realize how much pain he is putting me through? Can you imagine how hard it is to watch someone you care about destroy themself by dwelling in their problems? What should I do? I can't comfort him forever; one day he has to get over it by himself!

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 06-05-2004, 09:07 PM   #2
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: the P. ***
Posts: 16
thePdot HB User
Re: problems with my boyfriend :( Please post! I'm so lost!

Your boyfriend is very lucky to have a girlfriend like you sticking around for that long supporting him. It's can't be easy being with someone who is depressed when you know what they were like before missing the old person. Has he been to a counceller or some kind of therapy?

 
Old 06-05-2004, 09:14 PM   #3
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 35
jengisima HB User
Re: problems with my boyfriend :( Please post! I'm so lost!

Quote:
Originally Posted by thePdot
Your boyfriend is very lucky to have a girlfriend like you sticking around for that long supporting him. It's can't be easy being with someone who is depressed when you know what they were like before missing the old person. Has he been to a counceller or some kind of therapy?
yes, he goes to family therapy and has individual sessions, too. I've told him several times that I miss the way he used to be. I don't think that his problems are worth ruining our relationship before. I used to be depressed at a point in my life, but I worked hard and trying to become happier and it worked. I dunno how to get him to listen to my advice... he just says that I don't understand. Sometimes I don't want to see him cuz I'm so angry with him... I'm not trying to say that I'm the perfect girlfriend, but I think he's pretty lucky to have me cuz I've been there for him and I am a good girlfriend. I just wish he'd realize how good he has it with me and that things aren't all that bad. He says that things are better for him when he's with me, but they aren't for me. He never smiles anymore or laughs. He is usually very tired, too, or in a lot of pain... I think the stress of his family life gave him heartburn. I dunno what to do!

 
Old 06-05-2004, 09:22 PM   #4
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: the P. ***
Posts: 16
thePdot HB User
Re: problems with my boyfriend :( Please post! I'm so lost!

If it's not too personal what are some of his family problems? Maybe the root of his depression is something that you can help him with to get the old guy back or maybe it runs deeper.

 
Old 06-05-2004, 09:31 PM   #5
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 35
jengisima HB User
Re: problems with my boyfriend :( Please post! I'm so lost!

Quote:
Originally Posted by thePdot
If it's not too personal what are some of his family problems? Maybe the root of his depression is something that you can help him with to get the old guy back or maybe it runs deeper.
there are many things, many of which I think might be too personal to write. I'll just tell you a little... he's kind of the black sheep of the family; typical middle child syndrom. His older brother is the "Good college boy" and his little sister is the "next whitney houston" (minus the drugs and criminal husband). his dad is a jerk and his parents dont have a good relationship... basically, the main problem is that his family is constantly fighting...and he's left as the mediator. His mom and sister fight almost everyday, and he really cares about them and wants them to get along. His sister has made some mistakes in her past due to insecurities, which makes it hard for him because people are constantly spreading rumors about her and he has to be the "big brother" and come to her defense. Plus, now he is the designated driver of the family (dont ask) and has to drive everyone in his family when they need to be driven. As you can see, he is under a lot of stress, and those aren't even all of the problems. The problem for me is, there is nothing i CAN do. I can only tell him "just wait until you move away to college and you can be away from it!" so many times... I've tried everything... he wants people to pity him and realize his problems are bad. He doesn't get any pity from his family because all of them have problems. since it has been months that he has been dwelling in his own pain and self pity, he has spent less time working on our relationship and thus, our relationship is falling apart. he says he didnt notice any changes, but i cry a lot now. sometimes I cry when i'm with him. He used to make an effort to make me not cry. How can I tell him that I feel like I don't have my best friend anymore? I dunno what to say without it coming out really mean or rude. sometimes I really want to yell at him, but that doesn't solve anything. I have to say something or else I'm going to have to eventually break up with him... I can't live in the past and hope that he'll become happy and sweet and loving again forever. the thought of breaking up is hard, because he is my first love and for the first year and a half of our relationship, he was everything i dreamed of in a boyfriend. He had every quality i ever wanted in a guy. please help!

 
Old 06-05-2004, 10:25 PM   #6
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: the P. ***
Posts: 16
thePdot HB User
Re: problems with my boyfriend :( Please post! I'm so lost!

I'm glad that he is seeing a councellor. No one can deal with all of that and more...alone. It's really hard to think about breaking up, but you're right, you can't live in the past. Talking to him about everything you feel is what you should do, whether you have before or whether he'll listen I don't know. He's the one with the problems though, not you. You shouldn't need to carry that burden. Let him talk to you...and he needs to understand he's putting you through hell with all his problems. When I started becoming depressed I broke up with my boyfriend and we went out again once I was better. I wasn't going to put him through my change and everything. He shouldn't expect you to take care of him when he isn't himself. If he doesn't understand what he's putting you through maybe he's not the wonderful person you thought?

 
Old 06-06-2004, 11:16 AM   #7
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 48
g i 2 boocoo HB User
Re: problems with my boyfriend :( Please post! I'm so lost!

This is just an afterthought, but depression is one of those disorders that responds well to medication. You might suggest that your bofriend see someone who could give him a precription for an anti-depressant (if he's depressed that is, and it sounds like he might be). One of my uncles was depressed, and when he got on the medication (he was on Effexor) he was like a different person.

 
Old 06-06-2004, 12:12 PM   #8
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: problems with my boyfriend :( Please post! I'm so lost!

things will eventually change but you have to give it time. does he go see any counseling all?

What he needs right now is a strong person in his life. By you telling him this it is good but you are also saying that you are giving up. If you want this to pass then you have to be supportive yourself.

no relationship is perfect and you will alway be with someone that goes through a depression phase. When you are married for 10 years and something tragic happens and he goes through a depression phase you are saying that you'll give up. You can hide..If you keep hiding from stuff like this you'll always be single because nnothing is perfect.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 01:30 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 989
justme_ HB User
Re: problems with my boyfriend :( Please post! I'm so lost!

Yes, but you can get depressed over anything. I don't think depression is worth the pain. I mean you can spend your time and energy much better. Why be all depressed? Yeah, so things aren't going well. Depression is going to make it better? Get over it and deal with it.

 
Old 06-08-2004, 07:48 PM   #10
Newbie
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indiana
Posts: 3
Ian_Reed16 HB User
Re: problems with my boyfriend :( Please post! I'm so lost!

a friend of mine who i used to date went throught home problems and she acted teh same way but i talked her through it and she stopped being so depressed and finally talked things out with her parents i cant say that i helped alot but i just had to keep telling her things that she needed to hear and i told her to talk to her parents cause her parents were oblivious to what was going on. tell him how you are feeling and if you have(and im not trying to sound like a jerk)to tell him that if he wants to be depressed then tell him not to drag you with him.

 
Old 06-11-2004, 01:04 AM   #11
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 86
Wubby HB User
Re: problems with my boyfriend :( Please post! I'm so lost!

Something that is usually very difficult for one partner of the relationship to understand is that certain problems can't just be turned off like a lightswitch...ESPECIALLY the way you feel about them. The best thing to do is let him know you're there. It's got to be hard...I have gotten upset at my boyfriend before as well for staying all doom and gloom about something. You just have to ride the storm out, and if you havn't been - pray...it's truly the best weapon...God will deliver him out of the feelings he is going through. God doesn't always work on OUR time though, He works on His own time...and even when it doesnt seem like it, His time is best...and if you pray, ride the storm out with your man, I think you will see the wait was worth it. Forgive me if you think I sound preachy. I am simply a Christian who wants to have the balls to live my faith and give people the real advice they need..not just my own. You'll be ok.

-kade

 
Old 06-11-2004, 01:47 PM   #12
Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In a house
Posts: 52
slamdunkergrl13 HB User
Re: problems with my boyfriend :( Please post! I'm so lost!

Hey...i agree with you that you shouldn't have to deal with him being upset...But sometimes people try to smile but they can't. Would you rather have him hold it in and have it tear him up inside or come out with it...Although i do not believe that puttin other people down is a good way of him come out with it. I also agree that he should not just let you cry. A good guy should always be there for comfort, not to bring tears. You should sit down withi him one more time and tell him all what you are feeling. Even if some of it seems harsh maybe he needs to hear it. And if he can't handle what you have to say then maybe he isn't right for you..Cuz if you guys have been together for two months he should take critism from you and not be horribly mad. but just be there for him after you tell him and if things dont get better...you might just have to break it off. You can't ruin your life over his problems...if it was a week or two sure but if you have felt bad for the past 5 or 6 months then you are wasting your time being upset as well. I understand that depression isn't that easy to get over with....ive had it myself....but my boyfriend was there for me and i tried hard to get out of it so he wouldn't be down too. So just tell him what your heart says and wait a little while longer but if things dont improve..you might have to do what u dread....

 
Old 06-11-2004, 02:05 PM   #13
Inactive
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,639
eightball61 HB User
Re: problems with my boyfriend :( Please post! I'm so lost!

Quote:
Originally Posted by slamdunkergrl13
Hey...i agree with you that you shouldn't have to deal with him being upset...But sometimes people try to smile but they can't. Would you rather have him hold it in and have it tear him up inside or come out with it...Although i do not believe that puttin other people down is a good way of him come out with it. I also agree that he should not just let you cry. A good guy should always be there for comfort, not to bring tears. You should sit down withi him one more time and tell him all what you are feeling. Even if some of it seems harsh maybe he needs to hear it. And if he can't handle what you have to say then maybe he isn't right for you..Cuz if you guys have been together for two months he should take critism from you and not be horribly mad. but just be there for him after you tell him and if things dont get better...you might just have to break it off. You can't ruin your life over his problems...if it was a week or two sure but if you have felt bad for the past 5 or 6 months then you are wasting your time being upset as well. I understand that depression isn't that easy to get over with....ive had it myself....but my boyfriend was there for me and i tried hard to get out of it so he wouldn't be down too. So just tell him what your heart says and wait a little while longer but if things dont improve..you might have to do what u dread....
Good insight & example

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Struggling to cope with boyfriend's schizophrenia, please help Apple83 Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 24 11-11-2009 04:00 PM
Bug Phobia - I cannot live like this. Please please help me! ard251 Phobias 2 06-19-2009 11:18 PM
Denture Problems (please Help) azblonde Dental Health 492 05-27-2009 01:59 PM
boyfriend with anger problems what do i do BRYANNA1437 Anger Management 8 03-28-2008 09:27 AM
problems with teeth and no one will listen bergerbaby Stress 2 12-30-2007 06:36 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:29 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!