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Old 06-11-2010, 09:34 AM   #1
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Does this mean I'm a bad girlfriend...?



Hey, I'm new here.

I've realized everyone is very supportive, so I'd like some help.
I'll try to make this short.

I have a wonderful boyfriend; we're both very young (teenagers)
have been together for almost two years, and have thought of being together for a long time. We both know it's not easy, and it's certainly not always happy and fairy-tale like.
But I often get upset when many tell me that we're young and we should date other people, and deciding so early to commit is rather risky.
I understand that. But we want to be together. What I'm trying to ask is, does anyone else feel this way? We both enjoy our days to the fullest; we're there for each other. I feel like, much as a best friend, it's okay to be with the same person for such a long time, if not, the rest of your life.
I feel like it's as if someone told you you shouldn't have one best friend your whole life and you should meet others and have other best friends.
But I've had the same best friend for a while, (we met when we were 6 years old) and I don't plan on meeting others to replace her. I have met other great friends, but they don't share that connection I have with her.
As for my boyfriend, I've honestly met other nice, great guys too. I admire qualities in those other guys, but obviously I have no romantic interest, thought I've suffered intrusive and obsessive thoughts that I'd cheat on my boyfriend, but they're fading away now. We have broken up once, and in that moment, being single attracted other guys who had been interested and saw it as an opportunity. I felt immense guilt because I was the one who broke up with my boyfriend because I had been getting too close to a guy best friend and I thought that was emotional cheating. (I believe it was..) Feeling guilty and undeserving of my boyfriend, I didn't want to hurt him and thus...broke it off. That was a year ago. I can't tell you how much I regretted that. The fact I hurt him...I spent days crying and I couldn't forgive myself. I'm sorry I'm going off topic, but this is something I've wanted to ask too. Because I made such a terrible mistake...does that mean I'm a bad girlfriend? A year has passed by, and I have not emotionally cheated, (i will add that that was not intended, and I really needed emotional support at the time, but it was MY fault that I did not turn to my boyfriend..) and I truly feel I've become a better person and a wonderful girlfriend for someone who truly deserves it. I need him in my life because I do love him, and I want to show him that though I've hurt him, I've tried my hardest to be better. He understands, and has told me that I've made him become a stronger and better person. We both feel loved. Also, I really did earn his forgiveness. I didn't just ask for it; I did all that was possible to show him I was very sorry. I also can't tell you how happy we are now. I look at him, ever so grateful he forgave me, and i'm crying of joy right now; I feel incredibly blessed to have had a second chance to be with the person I love. Yes, there's arguments. Yes, disappointments too. But we get past that, and we talk about our feelings and wants and needs almost always in a mature way. We really have changed and grown from that breakup. I think I just haven't moved on from my regrets.

Can anyone help?

 
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Old 06-11-2010, 01:54 PM   #2
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Re: Does this mean I'm a bad girlfriend...?

I can only help this will help, but I want to offer you two thoughts. One is that my sister
and her husband started dating when they were both 14. They are now in their 40's,
married decades, have a family and a good life together. It was not wrong for them,
although I do remember people telling them they should "see what's out there".
I think that you are going to do great, great damage to your present relationship if
you refuse to let go of your guilt. Your boyfriend forgives you. You need to move on!
My only red flag here is that I wonder if you won't forgive yourself because in some
recess of your heart you would rather NOT be in this relationship. That you love your boyfriend yet you wonder what is out there. This is certainly not a bad thing, but I'd hate for you to drive your boyfriend away with what you are calling guilt, when it is
really your way of wanting out of the relationship again. This could be the furthest thing from the truth, but I just wanted to offer you something to consider.

Sue

 
Old 06-11-2010, 01:58 PM   #3
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Re: Does this mean I'm a bad girlfriend...?

Well doing that back then made you probably not the best girlfriend at the time. But having learned from it, moving forward, regaining trust and becomming a stronger person as a result makes you AWESOME! Really, if it's in the past, leave it there. As far as everyone telling you that you need to date other people and play the field a little......well I have a feeling it has more to do with trying to cool you and your boyfriend off a little more then anything else. My guess is your family, his family, see this bond, and really want the two of you to go to college, and not have children anytime soon. lol. If they advise you to play the field, it stops you from getting too close to anyone right away. If I were you, to put everybodies minds at ease, I would come up with some sort of promise. Something that says even if you guys decide you are absolutely the perfect match forever and ever, that you will finish school before anything too serious happens....i.e. marriage, babies, living together, etc. I think if you opened up that little bit with everyone, and the both of you made this promise outloud, then people might relax a little more. Also, if you promise, make sure you dont break it! Good luck!
Melissa

 
Old 06-14-2010, 03:32 PM   #4
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Re: Does this mean I'm a bad girlfriend...?

Dear Sue:

Thank you for your response.
I especially appreciate your story about your sister and brother-in-law.
And I think I have moved on from that past, yet still afraid that I'd do damage. Yet I really feel like I never would.
Though at first I felt a pang of hurt because of your "red flag"
I consider it an insight. I feel that I do want to be in this relationship, because if I didn't, I would never feel inclined to post something here, since it is my motivation to move on from the not so great girlfriend I was.
I think personally, I know why I don't forgive myself so easily. I try to be perfect, and I feel I come up short to my boyfriend. Then again, I know he has flaws, just like everyone.
I think the guilt comes because this year, my mind suffered with intrusive, anxious, obsessive thoughts that caused me much stress and guilt: that I would cheat, leave him, hurt him, that I never meant anything sweet that I said to him. I haven't been diagnosed with OCD, but it seemed a lot like it...or just horrible anxiety. Also, I have an eye for beauty. I really do notice pretty people, and "good looking guys," but not once have I ever considered getting their number, or anything. It's an old habit of me observing the world. I always felt bad because later I'd go crazy thinking I was "mentally cheating" and I didn't want to be with him. But I do. I find him very very attractive, and he is dear to me. Thank you for your thoughts.


Dear Melissa:
Haha, I actually think that may explain it too! My mum had once asked me if I was actually going to stay with my boyfriend, and not date other people. She made it seem disappointing. It hurt a lot....that's why I worried, and I'd love her to support out relationship.

I have talked to my boyfriend about it, and he does plan on going to college, and does not plan to marry until he feels settled down, and babies are far from his mind, lmao. He also feels sex is only and only for when the relationship is stable, and the two have been together for a long time, and are ready and comfortable. I admire his values. I cannot promise anything since my dad doesn't really know about our relationship, (he might be very skeptical and ehh about it, so we're slowly giving him hints) but I will consider your suggestion! :]

Last edited by GenGen*; 06-14-2010 at 03:36 PM.

 
Old 08-29-2010, 05:40 AM   #5
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Little Miss T HB User
Re: Does this mean I'm a bad girlfriend...?

I've spoken about this too, but the difference being is that I am the one who insists he has new friends, and doesn't rely totally upon me, and doesn't make me his life, and so on. That we always give each other space - sometime we don't talk/make contact for a day, or two, at a time. You are your own person and as much as you long to be with the other you both Need Your Independence.

Its to protect them, Hon. Imagine, as you have, if something went wrong one day, and he wasn't there? Just for instance, this is. Imagine, although you love each other more than allowed, more than you could ever believe possible, possible to want you so greatly... what if?

...Exactly.

What would you have left? A void. Who would you have? Well, not many friends, as you lovingly, and, admittedly, selfishly, only gave a damn for one another - no-one else really mattered just as much... but you believed he was your soulmate and that this is forever. Sometimes we have to kick back into reality and realise that forever isn't always forever, although you solemly promise it to be with them. Something could go wrong, and I'm not just talking about the relationship between you both, if you understand me.

All I'm saying is, Do Not Make Yourselves One Person. Its heartbreaking to see. Although it is beautiful, although it is so lovely for two people to crave and jump off bridges for one-another, the sad, sad tale is that the odds are aganist them that something will intervene and ruin your relationship, that you can't repair because of the overwhelming thoughts of "He should only love me, he broke my heart" or vice versa.

Respect one another, respect human nature that, of course, you are going to be attracted to other people from time to time. Your attitudes to how you deal with those challenges will then determine how strong a bond you have.

 
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