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Old 06-14-2010, 02:59 PM   #1
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Why does it have to be that way?

Hi guys,
I was wondering....

I bet you've all seen the movie Titanic, right?
You know how Jack and Rose fall in love, but Jack dies, and then poof!
Rose is then much older, had married, had kids...

Or in Seven Pounds, when Will Smith (I forgot the character's name in the film) had accidentally caused his wife's death, regrets it so much but later falls in love with a woman who he becomes emotionally close to and helps throughout the movie?

I feel like I wouldn't be able to if I were in that situation. I have a boyfriend I really do love, and I've pictured us like Jack and Rose, or me in Will's position and have asked myself: Would I move on if he died? Would I marry? Would I fall in love again? Really?

Does it have to be that way?

I feel like I wouldn't. I'd build a life; I would not allow myself to be depressed, and I'd be grateful for the time I spent with him, and know he'd always be in my heart. What about you?

 
Old 06-14-2010, 04:01 PM   #2
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Re: Why does it have to be that way?

It doesn't HAVE to be that way, but for most people, we choose to continue to live fully after a loss (once the grieving is done) and so most people will choose to marry again (or at least date). Not in all cases though. My Great-Aunt was in love as a young woman and not sure what happened but it didn't work out and she never married, died at 87. My neighbor's husband died after 50 years of marriage. He had been a cheating, heavy-handed SOB but still when he died she never dated or married again. She recently passed herself. Some people choose to marry only once.

I don't think either way is right, or wrong...I think it's just whatever makes YOU happy.

 
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Old 06-14-2010, 04:21 PM   #3
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Re: Why does it have to be that way?

I would base your life not on any movie, rather create your own story, plan it, love it, and have it to reflect on later. Those three phases need to be moved through in a timely fashion to accomplish each of them, but even if the first day goes well, you have succeeded!

Nothing has to be any way.

 
Old 06-14-2010, 07:12 PM   #4
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Re: Why does it have to be that way?

Well, they call it moving on, and no, you don't HAVE to, but honestly, why wouldn't you? Many people fall in love several times in their life, and when a significant other dies, many people move on and fall in love again. Look at it this way...would your boyfriend WANT you to never find love again and be alone for the rest of your life? I certainly hope he wouldn't. Just because you build a happy life with someone new doesnt' mean you never really loved the first person. I think one is very lucky if one is able to really love, lose that love for whatever reason, and then are blessed with the chance to love again.

 
Old 06-15-2010, 01:29 AM   #5
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Re: Why does it have to be that way?

You can't decide how you should feel based on a movie that isn't real, or even one that is real. No-one knows how they will react until they find themselves in that situation.

My SIL's husband died and she went on to marry again and had 2 more kids, is still married 20 years on. When my MIL died she wanted my FIL to find someone else and not be alone, but he wouldn't. He literally moped around for another 7 years before he died too.

Everyone reacts differently. I love my husband, can't see myself without him or with anyone else, but if something happened to him now I'm not sure if I could spend the next 40-odd years on my own. That's a long time. Doesn't mean I don't love my husband, or want someone else, just being realistic.

 
Old 06-15-2010, 06:51 AM   #6
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Re: Why does it have to be that way?

You do realize the difference between reality and what you see in the movies, right? And you realize that Jack and Rose and whoever Will Smith's character was are all fakes, right? I'm just making sure because it sounds like you're confusing the fake stuff you see in the movies for reality.

If what you see in the movies was real, no one would ever go to Japan because Godzilla would probably kill them. And toys could talk and have wild crazy adventures. You need to stop assuming that things you see in the movies (or on tv shows) is real. Even so-called "reality shows" are scripted, it's all fake, not real.

So in answer to your question, it isn't always that way.

 
Old 06-15-2010, 11:47 AM   #7
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Re: Why does it have to be that way?

I'm sure GenGen gets the difference between movies and reality--sort of insulting to imply otherwise. GenGen raises an interesting point. Personally, I could not imagine living day-to-day, let alone building a life with someone else, should something happen to my wife. I think I would at least have to wait until our kid(s) (only one right now) were adults.

 
Old 06-15-2010, 02:20 PM   #8
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Re: Why does it have to be that way?

When my parents were alive (they died 5 weeks apart), they were talking and Mom asked Dad if he would marry again if she died. Daddy said "God didn't intend for me to live alone." They were married 64.5 years when they passed. And I really don't think my dad could have lived alone...mom spoiled him terribly. He oculd barely boil water!

 
Old 06-15-2010, 02:23 PM   #9
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Re: Why does it have to be that way?

Im a widow......and I have no clue how to answer this question! lol. First, when my husband died, I was adamant......never again would I love somebody. I just absolutely couldn't see it happening. Then, a very unexplainable thing happened. I just felt like I wanted to be a wife again. I was tired of my "new" life. I wanted my old one back. I wanted to feel normal, and purposeful again. Not all alone and left to fend for myself. So I met someone, and today, I know I didn't really love him. But at the time I thought I did. But really, I was just in love with the idea of not being alone anymore. Long story very short, it didn't exactly work out. Today I know that what I was looking for was a replacement........not somebody new. Here I am, 6 months after the breakup, almost 3 years since my husband died, and I'm back at square one. Will I ever love again? I dont know, but I know I'm not ready yet, and I have no idea when I will be. Maybe in a couple more years, maybe when my children are grown, maybe never. I do know that life has a funny way of changing things up a bit when you least expect it.......so I suppose it's possible. But for now, no. I cant.

 
Old 06-16-2010, 11:34 AM   #10
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Re: Why does it have to be that way?

I think for some people it's simply a matter of being devoted. There wouldn't be movies and songs about it if it didn't happen to some people some time. Myself, I know myself well enough that if I lost my fiance eventually I'd move on and love again, but having seen people who loved only once I know it's possible. My Great-Aunt, for example- she wasn't a martyr. She lived a very full life. It just didn't have a man in it after things went wrong with the one guy. I never once heard her complain about not having ever married.

I think either way is okay, provided it's the way that makes the person in question feel best. If staying devoted and marrying once is what they want, great. If moving on and re-marrying is what they want, great. A full life can be achieved with or without a man.

 
Old 06-16-2010, 03:16 PM   #11
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Re: Why does it have to be that way?

I would also like to piont out, and not to say you dont understand the difference between movies and reality at all, that grief is NOTHING like whats in the movies. There are stages you got through, and it hits everybody in a different timeline. Too often in movies we see people shut themselves in, cry and cry, and then this ONE AND ONLY person is able to get through to them, and slowly bring them back to the world. Yet in real life, many of us who have suffered a terrible loss just want to put it behind us. It's hard to admit you hurt that much. So we very convinceingly move on, way too fast. For many who watch this, the only experience they have with real grief "IS" what they see in the movies and boy do they like to judge. But until your in that person's shoes, it's really impossible to grasp it is they are going through.

 
Old 06-19-2010, 08:53 AM   #12
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Re: Why does it have to be that way?

Wow! So many posts!

Thank you all for your opinion.
I think I'm just scared that if it ever did happen, I'd eventually move on and find
someone else. When I said, "Does it have to be that way?" I wondered if I'd move on and
marry again, because most people do. I wouldn't be happy if I did. Maybe, maybe not.
But it hurts if I think about it. Yet there's always the exception.
To Eagle River Dee:
Yes, I feel like I'd rather be devoted to just one person.
I would love others, of course, but not in the sense that I love him.
To WriteLeft:
Thank you! haha. I do believe one shouldn't ever base his/her life on a movie,
but I just constantly
wonder how I would react where I in that situation.
To LarryLou:
I agree. I wouldn't want my love to be alone the rest of his life,
as much as I'd hate to see him happy with someone else. Even so,
I'd rather see him happy than grieving over me. I'd always be by his side no matter what..

To justme30:
I'm very sorry for your loss. And now that I think about it...
it's true. I think the movies fail to capture the emotions
behind losing someone. Rarely do they succeed. I can only think of "La Vie En Rose"
where Edith Piaf's lover dies in an airplane crash. When
she found out, that entire scene was incredibly sad...
I don't know how you may feel, or what you've gone through,
but thank you very much for your insight and answer.
See, the thing is...we're both stubborn!
We'd refuse to move on, to let go of someone we love...
but I hope you find the strength to choose what's best for you.
Have hope :]

To Caberg :
It's nice to have a man answer the question too!
And thank you, I do understand the difference, yet at times I feel the situation
may be real.
At least the idea of losing someone you love, and the terrible feelings that
follow after..
Some movies bring up certain "real" situations.
I feel the same way you do, but I'm so young, and this has shown me to really appreciate the
little time we all have.

Gracias.

 
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