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Old 09-20-2010, 04:49 PM   #1
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I need mature advice.

I'm sorry I haven't been on for a while.

...My boyfriend of two years broke up with me last Thursday.
I don't even want to describe the pain I feel.
He said we couldn't be together because we were drifting apart,
and the relationship just wasn't going where he wanted it to go.
I can't tell you how much it took me by surprise..
He refused all contact with me,
and so did I, despite feeling incredibly sad yet angry because
I would never know what was the real reason for him ending our
relationship.

And I knew, even though things were hectic, and frightening..
that he would talk to me again. And he did.
You can guess already what he said. He felt so stupid and as if he had
made a terrible mistake, and deep down, I know he did. He wants to get back together, to have one more chance, but I told myself that a third chance at being together could not...work out..
I told him that as much as I believed that he was telling the truth about what he wants, being hurt a third time...I can't risk it.
He did not get mad, and he was crying.. so I know he cares and he does still
love me.
And I love him so very, very much. But I don't want to risk another try,
because there's the possibility that it won't work, even if he says he'll change. I don't want to lose him again, and I don't want to lose the hope that we could have been at least friends..
He let me ask him several questions about why and what went wrong.
And he answered all of them.
He said he was scared, and that he had commitment issues (when believe me, I never would have thought he did because he never told me anything was seriously bothering him and looked happy with me most of the time). He couldn't tell me that he was having doubts, that he wasn't sure if he was wasting his time, and he felt bored of the routine of seeing each other at almost the same place every week. (we're both 16)
But I told him my doubts, I told him everything. I told him constantly to tell me anything, anything, because we would work it out no matter what. But he didn't. And I was just so sad to hear that, to hear that he was scared and we could have..we could have worked it out!

I want him to be free. I want him to do the things he wants to do, to live the life he can't live being with me. He admits he was selfish, and inconsiderate, and impulsive. But believe me, everyone when I tell you that despite the arguments, despite our
differences, he always treated me right, and made me feel safe and happy. and I tried so hard to do the same. And I did. I'll always remember we had something truly special. Maybe it just wasn't the right time.

What do you guys think? I'm hoping we could be together later in the future, but I don't want to make him wait although he says he will.

Yet when I told him we should remain friends and take it very slow, he respected my decision.
I do not want to be in his life for revenge or for all those crazy reasons some exes may have; we want to be in each others lives because we care and do love each other. But we have to think rationally and have time apart. What should I do?

Advice, please..I'm confused

 
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Old 09-20-2010, 05:10 PM   #2
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Re: I need mature advice.

Honey, you don't sound confused at ALL. You are wonderfully articulate.
Go with your gut.

Sue

 
Old 09-20-2010, 05:41 PM   #3
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Re: I need mature advice.

Hey braveheart, thank you for the compliment (was it a compliment?)
I meant confused as in I'm not sure what I should do- follow my heart or listen to my head.

What would you do?

 
Old 09-21-2010, 02:30 AM   #4
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Re: I need mature advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GenGen* View Post
Hey braveheart, thank you for the compliment (was it a compliment?)
I meant confused as in I'm not sure what I should do- follow my heart or listen to my head.

What would you do?
I agree with Braveheart: you are incredibly articulate for a sixteen-year-old. I am impressed (and English is not my first language).

As for your dilemma, hmm, I think you should give him this third chance. As I was reading your post, I felt that you were talking about juvenile but genuine feelings of love.

PS. I hear what the other posters are saying, and I think they may be right. Yet, what was right for them may not be right for you. That is why I still think you should follow your heart on this one. I think you are getting stronger, and if you have to fall down again, it won't hurt so much as the first time. But of course it is up to you. He is a young man, too, and he is naturally confused, too. If both of you were a lot older, I would probably advise a break-up. Ok, but this is only my opinion. I am basing my feedback on how genuine I found the description of your feelings for him.

Last edited by pendulum; 09-21-2010 at 09:44 AM. Reason: added a PS

 
Old 09-21-2010, 03:49 AM   #5
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Re: I need mature advice.

You've tried having a relationship with him twice now, and it didn't work either time, and unless the reasons the relationship failed before are no longer there, then it doesn't really stand a chance of surviving a third time.

You come across as being very mature for your age, but having said that you are still only 16 and who you are now is most likely not the person you will be in even 5 years time. You haven't had experienced life as an adult yet and neither of you should be thinking of long term commitment at this point, especially when its already failed twice.

My advise is to go with your head as the heart is easily fooled.

 
Old 09-21-2010, 05:17 AM   #6
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Re: I need mature advice.

All I can tell you is that everytime I've done the multiple breakup/get back together, it never worked out for me. Why? Because everytime with every relationship where I tried to do that, all of the same problems were there when I went back, nothing changed, and I'd be miserable all over again. I kept doing that to myself until the final time when I finally gave up and realized I was wasting my time. And as much as it hurt to make that final break, because I still loved the guy, I realized we just weren't meant to be cause there were too many problems that never got better.

If I were you, I would not try a third time. It will be a waste of your time. Think about it, you saw what happened the last time you tried getting back together. It may have been ok at first but eventually the exact same stuff that bugged you the first time started happening and the reasons why you broke up the first time happened again, so when your broke up again, I'm sure somewhere in your head you were like, what the heck was I thinking trying this again?

At 16, there's still way a lot more stuff to learn about yourself and this world. If you tie yourself sown to this relationship once again, you're going to totally miss out on fun things and experiences coming up because you're going to be so busy being miserable with a guy you know is no good for you. It's one of those things where I wish I could go back and end several of my bad relationships way a lot sooner because I know I missed out on a lot of great stuff whil I was busy dealing with that drama. Don't let that happen to you! You're so young, you have so much ahead of you at this point! Do the smart thing and don't get back into it with someone you already know is totally wrong for you.

 
Old 09-21-2010, 08:06 AM   #7
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Re: I need mature advice.

He's already dumped you twice. Do you really want to say "ok, great! Dump me and break my heart a third time!" All you'll be doing by getting back together with him is giving him yet another opportunity to hurt you.

I was in your exact same situation once. So very much in love with someone and hoping it would work out. He dumped me, then wanted me back, said he cried when I left, didn't know what he was thinking, made such a big mistake, blah blah blah. We got back together, he dumped me again three weeks later. We did the "just friends" thing, he wanted me back again, then he dumped me again. All I did was waste my time and set myself up for more hurt and pain.

You're only 16. This is the time of your life you should be dating around, going to movies and having fun with many different kinds of boys (nothing heavy, not sexual relationships, just getting to know different kinds of boys and learning what the male animal is all about) you're too young to be stressing over whether some guy who'se already dumped you twice is "the one." You haven't even met the man you're going to end up marrying and spending your life with yet. Hold your head up and know your worth. A strong woman who knows her own worth doesn't let someone crap on her for a third time. I did and the only thing I regret about it is not having walked away with my head up after the first dumping.

 
Old 09-21-2010, 09:45 AM   #8
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Re: I need mature advice.

Hi GenGen* As others have said, you're very articulate for your age - linguistically but also emotionally.

I'm torn as to how to advise you. When I started to read your post I assumed you were a similar age to me and I might have said your boyfriend sounds emotionally immature and you need somebody more consistent. But as you're boyfriend is also only sixteen I would be more inclined to give him yet another chance, not least because it's romantic to think that the two of you could stand the test of time and blossom from childhood sweethearts in to a long-term couple

The caveat to all this is proceed with caution. Ask yourself why he left you. Was there another girl involved? And now he's possibly got what he wanted or been rejected, is he running back to you? If you trust him from that perspective and you resolve to get back together with him, at least don't make it easy for him and don't let him think things can instantly return to the way they were before. He needs to demonstrate to you that he's ready to commit to one girl and that you're the one for him!

 
Old 09-21-2010, 10:48 AM   #9
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Re: I need mature advice.

It may sound romantic to get back together, but reality is not a fairy tale, and childhood sweethearts very rarely stay together.

At 16 years old no-one should be expected to make a long term commitment to another person, and your boyfriend seems too immature to cope with an adult relationship and commitment. He may think he's ready now as he's not ready to be without you yet, but he's not ready to be with you either.

The chances are you will only end up hurt again, for the third time, and at your age you have a whole world of choices still ahead of you.

 
Old 09-21-2010, 11:37 AM   #10
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Re: I need mature advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ely4 View Post
He may think he's ready now as he's not ready to be without you yet, but he's not ready to be with you either.
Whoa! Exactly, this says it all right here.

 
Old 09-21-2010, 11:53 AM   #11
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Re: I need mature advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Whoa! Exactly, this says it all right here.
Maybe, but isn't that expecting too much from a 16-year-old boy?

I think that a break-up would be in place if he had cheated on her or something, but not really because of his state of confusion. This is becoming with his age, so maybe it's worth giving him another chance, but what do I know? I am maybe biased because I am a man but even though I am a man, I would favor the heart over the brain in this one case. I may be wrong, though.

 
Old 09-21-2010, 12:46 PM   #12
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Re: I need mature advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
Maybe, but isn't that expecting too much from a 16-year-old boy?
Yes, it is, exactly. GenGen, it is too much to expect a 16 year old boy to commit to you the way you seem to want him to. You simply want more from him than he is ready, willing or able to give you. But now is the time in your life when you are learning your lessons in how you will conduct yourself in future relationships. You can either say "make-up-break-up-make-up-break-up, putting my heart through the ringer over and over again, one minute he's in, one minute he's out, well, he can't make up his mind, so I'll waste my time waiting for him to be ready" or you can say "he doesn't want the same things I want, we're not on the same page, and I've wasted enough time on this. Onward with my life, and onward to find someone who doesn't have to think so hard about whether or not he loves me." I think what you do now will go a long way to determining how you handle future relationships. It takes some women into their 30s and many miserable, failed relationships to figure out that a guy just isn't into you if he keeps breaking up with you. You might as well learn that lesson now. Aren't there other cute, fun boys you'd like to date? Maybe at another school that you might have met at a party or a ball game? Wouldn't you rather be free to date around and see what's out there rather than sit at home waiting by the phone, waiting for this one boy to decide whether he loves you today or not? Or worrying about whether he'll love you tomorrow?

I suggest you read a very good book, He's Just Not That Into You. It's a funny, light read, not meant to be taken TOO seriously, but it was written by a guy named Greg Behrendt and he gives a lot of good, honest insight into the male mind and how to deal with it. If I could work my will, it would be required reading for every teenage girl in the country.

 
Old 09-21-2010, 02:13 PM   #13
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Re: I need mature advice.

Woah.. all the people who don't believe a sixteen year old isn't capable of commitment to one significant other needs to remember what it was like being that age. One loves just as deeply, if not deeper, in their formative years without the burden of cynicism. I believe age has nothing to do with this. Men three times this boy's age act in exactly the same way. As do women. We just all suffer doubts about our relationships from time to time.

 
Old 09-21-2010, 02:58 PM   #14
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Re: I need mature advice.

Nobody is saying that no 16 year old is able to make a commitment, but statistics prove that the vast majority of teenage relationships do not last. The point here is that this young lad has shown, not once, but twice that he cannot make that commitment.

 
Old 09-21-2010, 06:07 PM   #15
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Re: I need mature advice.

Thank you all so much for the posts!
Please reply if you want to.
I'm sorry I cannot reply to each and every one, but if you don't mind,
I'd like to say what I generally feel in response to your posts.

Right now, I feel like those two years were never a waste of time.
I really learned what it means to love someone, and to be loved
and I'm glad I do, even if it didn't work out.

Also, I remember promising to myself that I would give it my all, and would try my best to work things out. I just never thought he would have commitment issues.
I never realized that was a problem because it never seemed like it.
The past few days I realized that I was more devoted to him that he was devoted to me. But that's not to say he didn't love me. I just put so much effort into making the relationship work because as naive and as stubborn, and perhaps unrealistic as we both were, we did think of a future together.
I thought I was the one who needed to work on herself. Only me.
I'm very determined, and I think he just felt like it would all fall into place and not need much work.
The first time he broke up with me was because I was so distraught, so emotional, so darn regretful for what I had done (emotional cheating; I am not proud of that) that he felt suffocated, and drained of energy. I was so incredibly needy. For a teenage couple, I feel like that was too much to deal with.
I agree with what someone said- that he feels he's not ready to be without me, so he say's he's ready when really he's not.
All I know is, yes, it would be sweet if we stayed together for such a long
time.

No, I'm not interested in cute boys and whatnot, lol. I never really cared for them. I'm interested in doing fun things, like music and movies, and being with my friends right now.
I want to forgive him. I don't care what I have to do to get there. I'm currently talking to him now, and we're going to talk and try to decide what's best for us.
It's just so difficult

Last edited by GenGen*; 09-21-2010 at 06:32 PM.

 
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