| | I don't even know where to begin
I'm a 21 year old college student and I'm going crazy.
I've been having bad anxiety attacks. I'm usually really, really good at pretending nothing is wrong, but recently I haven't been able to actually control the shaking and my muscles are always tense. I've managed to cut down on the breathing issues but to stop shaking takes monumental effort, leaving me unable to fully project the idea that I'm fine. It's like my body language is betraying me. If I'm not constantly monitoring things like my shoulders and my jawline it's very clear that something is wrong. Smoking cigarettes really does help, but it's never enough. That's when I'd take a shot. It relaxes my muscles and joints enough for them to be easier to maintain. It doesn't make the anxiety go away - I'm still having the panic attack - but it's easier to pretend that I'm not with a little tequila in my system. That sounds completely retarded, I know, but two shots a day worked pretty well for a few weeks. But then it wasn't enough. And I needed another shot per day. I did that for a few days before I realized that stopping was the best option. So: I have anxiety issues and Iím on my way to alcoholism.
I also stopped taking Adderall illegally which is exacerbating the situation because Iíd probably be calmer about my workload (the main stress source...I think) if there was less workload. Although I was having the worst anxiety attack I've ever experienced and I called my friend J and her first suggestion was that I stop taking Adderall for a while, but I'd been off it all semester so maybe that's not part of the problem. I don't know. And that's the worst part. I hate not knowing what's going on. And I'm trying to pretend like I don't have to try this being completely sober thing. I don't want people to know because 1st of all the reasoning behind it is sensitive and 2nd of all because I used to pride myself on my control. Clearly I no longer have it and this is me trying desperately to regain it. People talk about partying around me and inviting me here there everywhere. Last day of classes let's get shitfaced. Private birthday party, lots of booze. Let's blow off classes and get high. So: I abuse amphetamines and I am losing control.
J is absolutely convinced that no one likes her except the people she gives weed to. And when I say "no, I don't want to go smoke a bowl" she hears "I don't like you, I don't want to spend time with you." This issue is completely unrelated to my other problems but it's another thing I'm quitting and am having a hard time letting go of. I don't even like weed. I never have. Ever. It makes me feel completely empty which is very unpleasant. But I like spending time with J. I think I even have feelings for her. But she is currently refusing to answer my texts. No, she isn't aware that I'm interested and no, she isn't a lesbian. OH, and she's my drug dealer. Super. Bueno. So: on top of my huge workload that seems impossible, my attempt to completely be drug free, and the unbelievable amount of pressure that's forming because of them...I'm struggling with my first homosexual crush. On my drug dealer that I'm currently alienating in the quest for self betterment. Super. Bueno. I'm about to go crazy (as if I'm not already there).
When I was in High School I seriously considered killing myself. But I understand that it's a stupid idea and very selfish so I put a qualifier in the decision making process. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't commit suicide until my estate is enough to cover my credit card debt. And then whenever the thought crossed my mind, and it has multiple times, but I talked myself out of it I would go shopping and rack up my debt a little more. I'm not saying that the day I pay off my credit cards is the day I off myself, but I can't seriously consider the possibility until that day. But every time I regained my senses the thought that I had seriously considered ending my life scared me ******** so I tried to make it a little harder. This is almost singlehandedly the cause of my credit card debt and money woes. So: add both money and suicide risk to my pile of problems.
Add on that my grades are in the toilet, my work study boss is trying to fire me BECAUSE my grades are in the toilet, and all the secrets about my friends mental health and sexuality problems that they are unloading on me by the ton, and you have a distressed and slowly disintegrating college student.