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Old 12-31-2010, 07:16 AM   #1
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My Girlfriend Wants To Slow Down

So, my girlfriend of a little over 8 months wants to slow down and rewind our physical relationship, by a LOT. And, I'm completely fine with it, because I want her happy, but I'm confused.

Like, we've gone pretty far in our relationship, up to the point where we've been naked together and now she's telling me that she's never been comfortable with anything we've done and wants to go back to pretty much when we first started dating, like no boob contact or anything.

What makes me mainly confused is that I've always asked her if she was uncomfortable with what we're doing, and she'd say if she was comfortable or not, but it seems like the times that she said she was comfortable turn out to not be true.

She told me that she only did all of that is because she loved me and thought that I would love her more if she did so much; but it perplexes me how she was able to lie pretty much our entire relationship, and do so well. Like, right now, looking back, she didn't seem like she was lying. Yeah, at the more intense stuff now I realize she seemed uncomfortable, but she was completely fun with the less intense stuff and even encouraged it at times.

What I really want to know is, is she really uncomfortable or could there be another reason she wanted to stop? The only alternative reason I could think of is that her best friend would be intensely disappointed in her if he ever found out anything we've done together, and she doesn't want to disappoint him, and she made up the excuse that she's uncomfortable so that I'll agree to stop, since she knows I won't listen to anything that her friend says. (I don't really like him, not that he's a bad kid, but he flirts with her so much).

Also, any advice as to how we're going to deal with the awkwardness that after doing so much over the last 8 months the only thing we can do now is kiss and hug? Like, I don't depend on the physicalness of our relationship, but I really want to understand what she's thinking, and I'm fine with just kissing and hugging, but I know it's gonna be awkward, and I want to know how to make it not awkward.

Last edited by Poptart27; 12-31-2010 at 07:25 AM.

 
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Old 12-31-2010, 07:41 AM   #2
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Re: My Girlfriend Wants To Slow Down

This girl is telling you that she has felt under pressure to move on with the physical stuff faster than she is really ready for. Listen to her, you are lucky she is assertive enough to tell you this. The average young male is so sexual that it can overwhelm the awakening sexuality of an inexperienced young woman. It seems to her that as soon as she gets a bit comfortable with a stage, he is pushing for the next level. She needs a lot of "kissing and hugging", and also having it stay at that level, not just becoming an introduction to the serious stuff. Leave her all happy and blissed out from kissing. Masses of non-sexual physical affection will do the trick. I remember in my teens having a BF who was brilliantly affectionate and kissable, but it was ALWAYS expected to lead to full on sex, and he was usually ready a bit before I was, so we would have to stop the lovely kissing and get down to business. Goodbye arousal, hello panic. Sera.

 
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Old 12-31-2010, 07:51 AM   #3
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Re: My Girlfriend Wants To Slow Down

Ohh, thanks, I see what you mean. But what do you think I can do to make it a little less awkward, or is it not going to be awkward?

 
Old 12-31-2010, 08:01 AM   #4
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Re: My Girlfriend Wants To Slow Down

I don't think it will be awkward. She will see what you are doing and really appreciate it. Keep talking too; check with her that you are on the right track, see if she is happy. Let her know that you welcome input from her about her comfort level, etc - after all, who knows it better than her. Good luck, you sound like a considerate boyfriend. She is lucky to have you. Sera.

 
Old 12-31-2010, 08:21 AM   #5
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Re: My Girlfriend Wants To Slow Down

Your girlfriend likely has many feelings swirling around when you two are being intimate. Part if her really wants to be involved with you, but in retrospect, she is reluctant to allow herself free rein.

Young women have been given such mixed messages in the media, from parents, friends and other sources about when the right time is to become intimate, often filling her with very confusing messages. When she is acting as if she is enjoying herself when you are together, I would accept that as the truth, and when she wants to slow down afterward's, accept that as the truth as well. It is up to you to understand both of these feelings and respect her wishes.

Women have a lot more at stake every time we involved ourselves sexually. There is always the possibility of pregnancy, std's infections, not to mention the emotional side of sexual relationships. Going in to a sexual relationship for a women is much riskier, thus earning her trust and allowing her to go through all the feelings without any pressure from you.

She may decide that all the responsibility is worth it and she may go the other way and decide to hold off until she feels more ready.

I would suggest you read through the board called "teen pregnancy". You will see me there almost everyday supporting girls and guys who are panicking over missed periods, it is tough on them.

 
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Old 12-31-2010, 11:06 PM   #6
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Re: My Girlfriend Wants To Slow Down

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
I don't think it will be awkward. She will see what you are doing and really appreciate it. Keep talking too; check with her that you are on the right track, see if she is happy. Let her know that you welcome input from her about her comfort level, etc - after all, who knows it better than her. Good luck, you sound like a considerate boyfriend. She is lucky to have you. Sera.
I was talking to her today, and she told me that she thinks she'll probably lie to me again about being comfortable just to make me happy. And I know, knowing me, I'm going to believe her, and that if she's not actually ready, she'll just get hurt again, because she also told me that doing everything we did were some of the most regretful moments of her life, and I don't want that to keep happening. But it's impossible for me to recognize anything she says as a lie, and she's such a good actress, she kept up the act of wanting to do these things for 6 months without me even knowing. So who's to say if she thinks I'm not happy enough, she's not gonna start doing that in a month and keep it up for another 6 months and regret it again? I told her not to sacrifice so much of herself for my happiness, because I don't need the intimacy for happiness, but she doesn't believe me because she thinks all of us guys are the same and always want more. And I've been striving to prove that, but I don't think she believes me. :/ Do you have any advice as to how I can actually prove to her I don't need the intimacy, all I need is her to love me, care for me, be there for me, etc?

 
Old 12-31-2010, 11:16 PM   #7
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Re: My Girlfriend Wants To Slow Down

Yeah, I can understand that. She was born into a very conservative house and has a purity ring and everything. She never saw herself doing any of these things with a guy before marriage. But she had me convinced that she really wanted to do these things and was comfortable with them 100%. Even after I asked several times before we did anything if she was comfortable with it, she'd tell me yes. She cares so deeply for me, but it causes me to hurt her without knowing. And I'm too gullible for her to never even have a thought that she could be lying to me to make me happier. I guess I'll find out in the long run... I just hope she doesn't lie to me again about being comfortable. Thank you for your help!

 
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Old 01-01-2011, 07:30 PM   #8
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Re: My Girlfriend Wants To Slow Down

Your concern is admirable, and with the background you describe, I can see her conflict is huge.

The biggest proof she should need is knowing that you understand and respect her wishes, is by keeping your relationship within the boundaries of her purity rings promise.

Have you gone over what her promise entails? I would find out, and keep things within her limitations. This should also make her parents very pleased, and no guilt involved.

Would her commitment even allow for a boy/girl relationship?

 
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