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Old 04-03-2011, 03:48 PM   #1
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Should I stay away from intimacy until..

Well to start off, me and my.. well I'm not sure what to call him, but lover, have been in love for about three years. This past year it's been on and off and has put me into a serious depression, crying all the time, losing weight etc. But anyway..

We are working on things together, it's been 11 days no with no fighting (usually we fight after a week and it's just done and we have to start all over) so I'm pleased about that. For us, how we work on things, we kiss, but I told him no making out of anything intimate. We cuddle a little, etc.
But this time, I told him nothing intimate, nothing at all because I feel like I get too attached and he never asks me to be his girlfriend after or anything.
He said he needs to time to trust me with his heart, and said he won't give it to me yet until I prove I won't fight him and get jealous over stupid things.
I feel like I am actually better with the jealousy thing. He always tells me "We always get so good and super close and happy then of course like always, you blow it up in my face and ruin it"

I can't live without him guys, really he is truly the love of my life and first boyfriend, and I want it to stay that way, no other guys.

We always seem closer after we do intimate things (we haven't actually had sex in months but other things make us closer obviously) But after I always cry days after wanting to be with him and be an official couple and I ruin it because I get so jealous and over protective because I get attached that way after doing things.

But my question is, should I give in and just let whatever happens happen? Like be intimate, loving, let him grow closer, not push things to happen quicker like a relationship, and hope for the best?
I know he will get better with me if I treat him amazing every day and not fight, but it's so hard and sometimes I have to fake it after all of the times he's hurt me.
Should I treat him great anyway and be intimate and loving with him once in a while and treat him like a boyfriend? I'm just really confused.



Also, is sex really important to make a relationship work? I feel like it kind of is, but I'm scared to have it because I might freak out on him after and push to be an official couple.
I know it wouldn't be good to have it every single time we hang out, which isn't much because he's so busy now, but maybe once a week or two weeks? I'm not sure how much someone should have it with the person they love

Last edited by caisaco; 04-03-2011 at 03:57 PM.

 
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Old 04-03-2011, 04:13 PM   #2
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Re: Should I stay away from intimacy until..

How long has he been stringing you along like this? You do realize that he is just making excuses, right? Read the book "He's just not that into you" because this is such a clear case of him just giving you nothing but crumbs and you keep taking it because you think he will eventually give in.

The longer you wait for this commitment-phobe to be your boyfriend for real, the more time you waste being out there and finding a great guy who actually DOES want to commit to you 100% without making you wait around for a day that may never happen.

Exactly what is his excuse for not becoming official? Not that it matters because whatever it is, is just an excuse to keep you at arm's length. But I'm curious to know what line he is using. I've seen them all before, both in my own experience and through reading the experiences of tons of other women who have posted here with the same story as yours. They range from the guy saying he's been hurt before, he doesn't want to jump into anything to fast, his divorce isn't final yet, his kid hasn't graduated high school yet, the list goes on and on. The excuses are always the same and the woman in the situation always claims "but I love him" as if that makes any kind of difference when the guy in the situation has no desire to move forward with a relationship.

I strongly urge you to move on because somewhere out there is a guy who would care enough about your feelings not to string you along like this shmoe. He knows he is hurting you and making you cry, but he doesn't care. Doesn't that make you mad? Doesn't it make you question why you're expending so much energy on someone who is so mean and whom you admit you can't even get along with?

 
Old 04-03-2011, 04:28 PM   #3
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Re: Should I stay away from intimacy until..

Even reading that really made me cry, don't feel bad not your fault at all. I've never been an emotional person, ever, and for the past year I've cried my days away. I'm the most emotional person ever, crying in school making a fool out of myself. Last summer I sat at the edge of my bed almost every day all day.

He tells me that I "push him over the edge, every time we get good or almost good I ruin it by fighting with him" And he says he's so tired of opening up and getting great with me, then me ruining it.
Just this January he liked my best friend, I never thought it was possible, he told me he liked her when he thought me and him were done for good, he tried to get her so bad but she didn't want him.
Last June he fell for this girl, when he was fed up with me and we were officially done for the first time, he tried getting her for about a month and she told him countless times no I don't want you. She finally stopped talking to him and me and him got together about a month later.
He tells me it's my fault for him liking other people and flirting because I push him away.
he knows I don't do anything with my life (we're both 18 and are seniors in HS) I don't have a job, lost most of my friends throughout the years, and just don't really do much, another reason I'm depressed as hell.
I don't know what to do, so no intimacy then?

I just don't understand.. what you said.. all my friends have told me the same thing... exactly, I swear I know you because of that.
I feel like he's playing with me, but why would he? He said like a month ago "I love, miss, want you like crazy but I can't be with you right now" Yeah that was right after I got home from his house Valentine's day, and we did things, and after we were done he said "I'm sorry... you told me not to hold back" and I asked what we were, like relationship wise, and he said he doesn't want me to hurt him again and [stuff], so I just said nothing and put my shoes on and walked out to try not to let him see me cry and he tried to stop me but I was yelling at him to let me go. I left, he called and called and said why can't we just grow and work on it together, not jump into it.

I don't understand why we can't be official. We were good about three weeks ago and we messed around one day and had an amazing day and kisses and smiles, then he said I "pushed him" too much. I cried and texted over and over. Maybe he sees how vulnerable my emotions are and he's playing me, but why would a guy do that though???????

We've had an okay two weeks, and one day he'll text me saying he's gotta go work and he'll say "gotta work muah!(:" and if he didn't text for a while he'd tell me he was sorry and he'd say what he was doing. Or say "sorry so late hun" but yesterday he didn't text me all day after I said "well let me know if you wanna hang hun(:" so I texted him this morning and he said he's been busy as [stuff].
Also, I just texted him this a few hours ago and he didn't text me back:
I've found it's way easier for you to act horny towards me and do things with me than be sweet and adoring like you used to be with me, and I'd see that loving smile after we'd kiss, not anymore. You've completely switched roles and the other way is hard for you, being horny and expressing those emotions is way easier for you. You have to open up that way again sometime and not always try to hold back or we'll never get great..

Last edited by Administrator; 04-09-2011 at 10:42 PM.

 
Old 04-03-2011, 06:17 PM   #4
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Re: Should I stay away from intimacy until..

Why does he do it? Because he is an 18 year old boy who is getting free hookups from a girl without commitment. What bothers me about all of this is that he keeps turning this around on you and gotten you to believe that his refusal to commit is all your fault. Not only is he a user but also a liar! So he is using you for sex or whatever intimacy he can get from you, he lies to you, he manipulates you, and overall he is just a mean little boy who makes you cry and hurt all the time. Girl, please get away from this guy as fast as possible!

The problem is that you have already let him get inside your head and manipulate you and subsequently to affect your self esteem. The sooner you get out of this situation, the sooner you can get back your self respect and stop feeling so bad all the time. Please don't let this guy keep stringing you along. Guys will do and say anything to get sex, especially 18 year old boys will do that all the time! He thinks that if he keeps sort of being nice to you and saying what he thinks you want to hear then you will stick around for the next time he wants no strings intimacy again. Which you have already always provided and he knows it. The only way you will be happy is if you get off this roller coaster is if you tell him you're done. I don't think you should keep pursuing this with him because he is not a good person! He is mean to you! Don't settle for being with such a mean guy!! Free yourself up to find someone who won't be mean to you because you deserve to be treated so much better than this boy has. He doesn't deserve you! You need to see that and put yourself first because you're not the problem, he is.

 
Old 04-03-2011, 06:35 PM   #5
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Re: Should I stay away from intimacy until..

Any time I try to talk to him or ask him something, why he acts the way he is he tells me "calm down, No what the hell is your problem. And blah blah blah"
What if he really does want me though, I don't know what to do I've never been so confused. He tells me "well it's not my fault I'm always busy with work now and everything and you don't do anything with your life". I just feel like he's mean to me because he has resentment for my because of what I've done to him. I did treat him kind of bad a year ago and put him last and he'd always come to me and had no life he said because he was always hanging out with me and he said I made him lose all of his friends.
Then last summer he re connected with a lot of friends and they all hang out like the ten of them all the time and are super close. And I'm the one with no friends now.
He said maybe the reason I'm like this is karma..

It's hard because I really don't have a life, I want a job so bad just to get out of the house and feel needed and wanted and work and have a life and make money. And I can't even find a job. Everything is just so stupid.

And he texts me back when he wants it seems, if we talk about serious things he'll text me back if I send him like three. He hasn't texted me back in like five hours. I want to be done but I can't because I still love him so much and if we're done he'll be the flirt he truly is and try to get other girls. I can't do that. Seeing him at school like running into him when we don't talk makes me almost run to the bathroom and puke because of the anxiety..


I told him Friday when I left his house at like 2am that I don't want anything being intimate unless we're officially a couple, and he said "I understand now. Okay. Well I'm gonna sleep goodnight " And then yesterday he didn't text me all day, and today barely.. maybe it's just a coincidence that he's busy.
And he has a job that you can work when you want, basically 10-30 hours a week, and picks his own schedule, and still we only hang out maybe twice a week, that isn't enough when you work on something with the person. We used to hang out Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday and it was amazing. Now, I just have no life

I have a question though..
Is it wrong of me to say "either you be committed to me and official like you said you wanted me, loved me, and missed me but you're too "scared" to be together because you don't want to get hurt, or we don't need to be talking" ?

He thinks if we're ever done for good that we could still be friends, and I told him hell no, you don't get over a person you had that much love for being their friend, that's just how my mind works.

Last edited by caisaco; 04-03-2011 at 06:40 PM.

 
Old 04-03-2011, 07:01 PM   #6
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Re: Should I stay away from intimacy until..

well it is no wonder you are so insecure and jealous, the boy is playing with your heart. If you have been sleeping together for 3 years, but he has not made a commitment, then he is plain old using you. Don't allow him to treat you like this anymore. Only you can put a stop to it. Tell him what you want...if he doesn't want the same thing, then it is time to move on.
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Old 04-03-2011, 07:18 PM   #7
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Re: Should I stay away from intimacy until..

No no it isn't like that. We were official for two years and like last May he had "enough with me" and he started liking someone else. And we've been on and off since. We've only actually had sex like four times. And two of them we were official. but still, I don't know what to do. We started dating in May of my 9th grade year, which was almost three years ago.

I tell him I want an official relationship, he tells me he does too but "not right now" and that we need to work on it and I have to prove myself to him that I can be good for more than a few days and not fight with him, then he'll want to be together

Last edited by caisaco; 04-03-2011 at 07:20 PM.

 
Old 04-03-2011, 07:58 PM   #8
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Re: Should I stay away from intimacy until..

Quote:
Originally Posted by caisaco View Post
he tells me he does too but "not right now" and that we need to work on it and I have to prove myself to him that I can be good for more than a few days and not fight with him, then he'll want to be together
Ah yes, the folly of youth! You don't ever need to prove nothing to nobody! If anything, he should be proving to you that he is worth your time, not the other way around! I agree with the others that he is not worth it. There's nothing for you to be confused about, he is a JERK! J-E-R-K! It's pretty clear that he is playing you and you're following right along as he hoped you would. It's also pretty clear that he talks a good game and managed to completely fool you into thinking there is a future when he has no intention of being a couple again. For him to insist that you to "prove yourself" is a bunch of baloney. It's a total crock and you are better off not buying into his lies! It's all a bunch of lies from a jerk who is using you. It's time for you to wake up and smell the dog poo (that's him) that is right in front of you.

 
Old 04-03-2011, 08:05 PM   #9
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Re: Should I stay away from intimacy until..

I just don't get it "not right now" Should I just tell him that I don't need to prove myself and since he agreed to work on it with me he can either "jump into a relationship" or be single and without me forever? IF he even texts me back today because I doubt it

 
Old 04-03-2011, 08:20 PM   #10
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Re: Should I stay away from intimacy until..

I still love him, when we're together he's so amazing and nice and puts me first, but lately he hasn't been, ever since January when we kind of just called it quits but still talked to work on it. He was so nice and he was like "I need to get a job, to get a ring for you" and now he's so different. How could I get over it if he's so confusing, maybe he's just weird right now, and maybe he'll open up with me again like he used to. I know he's not laughing behind my back, he said he doesn't talk to anyone when he doesn't talk to me because he says "what the hell I don't ignore you, when I'm busy I don't text, I don't talk to anyone when I'm busy". I had noooooo idea he liked my best friend, and the fact that he no only liked her, her PURSUED her to be with him and she didn't want him! he doesn't give up. But with me he does now. In January after he got over her I guess ( i didn't even know he liked her until she told me like a month ago!) He texted me and said "look I'll do all the work, get okay and come to you, I'll pursue you and we'll get great you don't have to do anything" and it was great for a while, then it was my fault again I guess that something happened...
I just think I should tell him if he can't come to me like he used to and want to be with me then he should just forget about it, I've said that to him and it ended up with me coming to him.

Last edited by Administrator; 04-09-2011 at 10:43 PM.

 
Old 04-03-2011, 08:51 PM   #11
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Re: Should I stay away from intimacy until..

caisaco, I agree that you should read the book He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt. It's a real eye-opener. If I could work my will, it would be required reading for every high school girl in the country.

I know you're not going to believe this, but it really does sound like he's just playing head games with you. You've let this guy jerk you around for three years and now he knows he can treat you any way he wants and you'll still come running back like a lost puppy dog. Even now he's doing it. You tell him Friday no more sex until he commits to you, and now he's ignoring you, knowing you'll break down and come running back to him and give in and have sex with him or have sexual contact with him on his terms. Then after you do you'll feel so close to him and wonder why can't he just commit to you enough to be your official boyfriend and then you won't be able to resist asking him why can't you be official, and then he'll get mad and the whole nonsense will start all over again. He's playing you like a fiddle, and your hormones are letting him. There's a hormone called Oxytocin that our brains release when we have sex, give birth or breast feed, and it makes us feel bonded to the person we're doing the activity with. Your brain is filled with Oxytocin and that makes you feel like you can't live without this guy, but you have to override the hormones and open your eyes to what this guy really is. You've reached a stalemate. He won't commit to you until you "prove" to him that you can be the perfect girlfriend, which includes sex. You shouldn't have sex with him until he proves he can be a commited, loving boyfriend all the time. So where does that leave you? If this guy really loved you, he'd want to be your boyfriend and commit to you while working out your issues. At the very least, he'd understand about keeping sex out of it until you've worked things out and are an official couple again. But he isn't doing any of that. He's blaming you for everything that's gone wrong, blaming you for him going after other girls, blaming you for him not wanting to be your boyfriend. Well, hell, if you're that awful, why is he with you at all? That's just a tactic he's using to manipulate you, to make you feel weak, and dependent on his approval. You should NEVER allow yourself to be put in a situation where you are beholding to a man, where he makes you feel like you have to "prove" yourself, you have to "earn" the right to be his girlfriend. He either wants to be with you or he doesn't. It's that simple.

Right now you love this guy more than you love yourself, and all kinds of bad things happen when you allow that to happen. You asked "why would a guy do that?" Well, I have to say, this is rather naive. Boys will say all kinds of things to get down your pants. They will tell you they love you when they really don't. They will act all sweet, and pretend to care about you and the things you care about just to keep you around so they can get down your pants when they are horny. Even really sweet, nice guys have at least one girl in their past that they lied to and strung along just to get sex. Seriouly, read that book He's Just Not That Into You. It was written by a guy who knows all the secret games guys pull when it comes to women and relationships, and it will open your eyes.

Time to put an end to this silly "he won't commit until I stop hounding him, but I can't stop hounding him until he commits" nonsense. You're never going to get what you want from this guy. I know you're going to do what your hormones are driving you to do. I only hope that this lesson won't be too painful for you to learn, and it won't be too long before you stop wasting precious time on this manipulative jerk.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 04-03-2011 at 08:55 PM.

 
Old 04-03-2011, 09:29 PM   #12
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Re: Should I stay away from intimacy until..

You guys are a big help of making me see different sides.. but in the end of the school year last year, it was clear he didn't want me, it showed, he told me and ignored my texts and didn't want to be around me, but he does in this situation but he's just acting weird. He told me if he didn't care about me he wouldn't talk to me. I don't know.. ahhh fml...

I also told him it's either he wants to be with me or he doesn't. And he always tells me "I do want you.. so much.. but I'm scared.. I want to work on it...."
he never answers me when I ask him things, he like goes around it and says I did answer it!!

Last edited by caisaco; 04-03-2011 at 09:30 PM.

 
Old 04-04-2011, 01:44 AM   #13
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Re: Should I stay away from intimacy until..

If he wanted to be with you, he would be. He's keeping you hanging as he wants to keep his options open. As soon as he's interested in someone else he doesn't want to know you. When that someone else doesn't want him he comes running back to you. He's done this more than once, can you see the pattern?

You're the one doing all the chasing, he's making no effort at all. You've taught him that you will always be there waiting for what scraps he bothers to give you.

Unfortunately you are not the one he wants to have a serious relationship with, or settle down with and plan a life together. You never will be that girl for him.

Stop bending over backwards trying to make him feel great, and giving him everything he wants, don't get intimate with him. This is a one-sided "relationship" and if you carry on like this it will only bring you down even more.

You need to end it now for good, work on your self-esteem. You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you, don't settle for this. You deserve so much better.

 
Old 04-04-2011, 02:21 AM   #14
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Re: Should I stay away from intimacy until..

When is it actually okay to work on it with someon before dating again? Is our case the case when you either become an official couple and work on it while being together or just be done for good?in my heart and mind things can only get better if we become an official couple first, and he said he wants to work on things before we do.. He hasn't texted me back at all today, which just makes everything soooo much better

 
Old 04-04-2011, 05:14 AM   #15
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Re: Should I stay away from intimacy until..

It's ok to work on it when it's someone worth working on it with. But in your case it is not worth it at all because all he is all the time is mean to you! It's a waste of your time to keep trying when he can't even treat you respectfully. He is so not worth all of this thought you keep putting into it. You may think you love him, but I can already tell that it's not even love, it's just boredom with your life and fear of being alone. And on his end it's not about love at all, it's about free no strings intimacy with a girl who is willing to settle for no relationship every time it is discussed.

It's really sad how completely he has you wrapped around his finger and how you can't see it. Isn't there anything that anyone can say that will make you see the truth of what is going on here? As we have all pointed out, he is manipulating you hardcore and you keep falling for it. He won't stop it so you will have to be the one who tells him you've had enough of being treated this way. It's time for you to stand up for yourself and stop being his doormat.

 
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