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Old 04-02-2003, 09:28 PM   #1
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Unhappy Advice

Well i found out in March, that my boyfriend got another girl pregnant a month before we got together. Me and this girl do not get along, she likes my boyfriend and is trying everything to trap him. She figures having a baby will get him. Which in a way it will but he will never really be with her, (if that makes since) Well shes having a baby Boy and hes due August the 4th. well im posting becuase i dont know what role i play in all this, yeah im his girlfriend and we plan on staying together, but this girl hates me. I try to get along and talk with her for the babys sake, but it just doesnt work. Oh and she was smoking Weed and drinking (HARDCORE) untill she was 4-4 1/2 months pregnant, so she just stopped, and she still smokes her cigarettes. I know there is a BIG chance of the baby comming out with some problems but how big? thanks and any imput would be helpful. Kristina

 
Old 04-02-2003, 09:53 PM   #2
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I hope that I don't step on any toes in ANYTHING that I say..I just mean to help! First of all, let me say I'm sorry to hear that your in such a triangle. I feel for you! You play an important role in this because you are his girlfriend. However, I'm sure you realize that this other girl and your boyfriend will have to have a relationship of some kind and you will have to step back as they are the parents. It sounds though to me that you trust your boyfriend so I wouldn't worry about that. What you CAN do in this whole thing is make sure that your boyfriend stands up and takes responsibility for this child. Doesn't sound like to me that this other girl has a good head on her shoulders right now and that baby will need someone!! Yes, what she is doing can harm her baby. Smoking/drinking/drugs are VERY harmfull! It's sad to say that a lot of the damage (if there is any) is most likely already done. I can't say how big a chance because each baby is different but it sounds like to me that there is a very big chance. I commend you for trying to be nice to her because that will make is much easier for the child in all of this. I wouldn't worry though if she isn't responding to you because you are doing all you can. Just know that your doing everything you possibly can and once it starts to matter to this child they will see who is doing the right thing and who isn't. Just continue be poilte to her..stand by your boyfriend..and make sure he stays in this child's life!!! Good luck with everything God Bless!

[This message has been edited by qtpie2003 (edited 04-03-2003).]

 
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Old 04-03-2003, 03:03 PM   #3
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Thanks for all that, i tottally agree. I know that i wont really be a parent to this baby, but i would like to be there as much as i can. My boyfriend also wants me there too. I asked him about when hes born are you gonna be there, and he was like yeah, but i want you there as well. I dont know weither or not i should go, i want to be but then at the same time i dont wanna put added stress to the sitution and i dont think i would feel confortable. I mean im only 17 and hes 23, this other girl is going to be 18 in aug or sept, so we are all young, and i dont think that she is going to be able to take good care of this child. I dont think that she realizes that this is gonna be a HUGE wake up call for her. But she will soon notice. I pray everynight that this baby will be a healthly little boy, but i seriously think that it will have some type of learning disibility or just a disabiltiy, and that is the last thing that he needs. Well thanks for your imput and anyothers would be appricated. Thanks Kristina

 
Old 04-03-2003, 03:34 PM   #4
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Your very welcome! I'm 17 and I have a son. He's 3 weeks tomorrow and he was born with a small cleft lip and palate. It's rated a 1 on a scale of 1-10. 10 being the worst and if that child is born with a disability you wont love him any less I can tell you really care for this baby and I'm glad he has someone that does because his mother doesn't seem too know what is best. As far as you being there...I don't see anything wrong with you being at the hospital! Just make sure that you stand back when you feel you need too. Be there for your boyfriend as much as possible and be there for that baby!! Being a parent goes a lot farther than just being blood related Good luck and God Bless!

 
Old 04-03-2003, 04:02 PM   #5
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sweetescape02 HB User
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When you say your boyfriend wants you to "be there", are you saying that he wants you to be in the room when the baby is born? Or just at the hospital in general? If it's just at the hospital in general, that might be ok but I would ask the mother first, because you might end up really upsetting her by just being around and the last thing a woman in labor needs is more stress to deal with. Now, if he means that he wants you in there for the actual birth, that's just wrong.

I totally understand where you're coming from but the truth is that it's very hard to be in a relationship with someone who has or is expecting a child with someone else. It takes a very mature person to be able to completely step back and let the 2 parents raise their child without interfering in some way. And since the 3 of you are so young, it sounds like there could be some problems with that, especially if the mother is trying to play games. Don't take what I say the wrong way, it's just that I am a firm believer in minding one's own business. I have a 7 year old daughter that I had when I was 18 and her father's wife (they were married after she was born) goes out of her way to make it hard on the father and I to even get along. So as a mother, I know firsthand how much a dad's girlfriend/wife can really screw up the situation. As a result of this nonsense, my daughter's father has not seen her in over 3 years. Good luck and I hope it all works out or you guys.

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In raising my children, I have lost my mind but found my soul

 
Old 04-03-2003, 04:40 PM   #6
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I agree with the last poster. A lot of women who are involved with men who have children previously are like that. However, I honestly don't believe that this women fits that discription. She sounds genuinely concerned about this child's well-being and I can't blame her. I think she has more since than to think of being in the delivery room. Unless the women gives her the go ahead!

 
Old 04-03-2003, 08:43 PM   #7
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Thanks for that. I am sorrie to hear about your baby, but its the special things that makes you love them even more I do and i am going to care for this little boy like he was my own, im not going to "disown" him because he might be "challenged" or because his mother doesnt like me. I just will sit back and let them be the parents (because they are) but i also want to be some part of his life, which i know sooner or later i will be. And i dont want to be in the room when he is born, i will be WAY to unconfortable. and i dont want to have her being stressed out either. If i do go it will be for moral support of my boyfriend, and thats it. I just want this baby to know that he is loved and will be loved by me even though hes not mine, is that too much of me to ask? I mean i want to be there and i will be there in any way i can be. When i get my job back i plan on getting a whole bunch of stuff to help out Jen ( his mother) and is that pushing it?

 
Old 04-03-2003, 09:06 PM   #8
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No, I don't think that trying to help her out is by any means pushing it. She will appreciate it one day..no telling when that day will be but she will. Your boyfriend will appreciate it too!

 
Old 04-04-2003, 06:33 PM   #9
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I just dont want her to think that im trying to hard. Any ideas on what to get her? Shes having a boy, and i dont wanna be too over board

 
Old 04-06-2003, 09:35 PM   #10
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Any ideas like cloths, bottles? i dont know... hehe

 
Old 04-07-2003, 12:31 AM   #11
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Maybe try to talk to her and find out what she really needs. If she won't tell you, diapers and clothes are always good. If you're really at a loss and think she might not like it if you got something, maybe try a gift certificate for a local baby store, that way she can be the one to pick the stuff out.

If you can get a list from her, maybe you and your boyfriend can make arrangements with her on the big items, such as the car seat, stroller, swing, crib, etc. Good luck!

------------------
In raising my children, I have lost my mind but found my soul.

 
Old 04-07-2003, 11:11 AM   #12
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I just want to point out that unless she is okay with it I think it is best for you to either be in the waiting room or at home when she delivers. Not sure what thwe plan is...just my inout.

As for gifting...your gifting him not her. An outfit should do or actually something like equipment she can use since she could be spiteful and never put him in your outfit in which case you waisted your money.

As for her bad habits a month or so ago....I would contact child protective services and see about your boyfriend getting majority of custody. Siting her with lack of a health interest in her unborn son. Just see what they can do. They might just at least order the hospital to do toxicology on baby and mother at the birth. If she checks out okay and so does baby then I would imagine you just pray she takes proper care of him. Are there other things she does to make you feel she could not maintain up keep of this baby? Love is one thing, what good is it to love him if she won't bathe and feed him right.....right?

I was in your position, but he decided and she decided that the baby would know some other guy as the dad. I personally saw it as wrong, but it wasn't choice. Trust me...it was hard to stay out of it.

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Marie
It's A Boy!!
Expected August 2, 2003

 
Old 04-07-2003, 11:26 AM   #13
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Kristina I am only offering my opinion here so you can do what you choose but I have to say a couple things here.

You are only 17 years old, I can totally understand that you are in love & think this guy is it for you. But you have your whole life ahead of you. You are so young & to be mixed up in a situation like this is crazy. You sound like a loving, smart wonderful girl, to just be supportive of this guy who gets another girl pregnant shows how caring you are but remember if you choose to stay with this guy that baby & that other girl will always be apart of his life and I know you said you want that, but that's a huge issue for people who are older to deal with it. My sister has 2 step children who she loves dearly but her husband will always be tied to their mother and it can be hard on my sister sometimes, so to see a 17 year old girl get involved in the same thing makes me alittle sad. Especially since the pregnant girl wants nothing to do with you, no matter what you say or do. That can add much stress & sadness to your relationship with your boyfriend.

All I am saying is really think this through before you get too involved, you don't know me & certainly don't have to listen to me. Just try & take a step back for a moment & look at your future & decided if this is what you truly want. You have your whole life in front of you.

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Old 04-07-2003, 11:32 AM   #14
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Just remember, alos, that when you two might have kids together later that it is her face that you might see at all the birthday partied for your children since I assume you'de invite the sibling that your boyfriend and her created long beofre you had your child. Think about this. We're not saying ditch the guy, but maybe just guide him as a friend, not a girlfriend. When he shares that labor experince with her, you also cannot be sooooo sure he won't feel something for her again especially after he looks at her at that moment not as an ex, but as the mother of his child.

------------------
Marie
It's A Boy!!
Expected August 2, 2003

 
Old 04-07-2003, 04:04 PM   #15
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I agree totally with Phillie2002
I do think its great that you ar4e accepting of this and you are wanting to be involved . Im not saying your not in love or anything I think you should think hard first.


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EDD-AUGUST 15
baby boy # 3

 
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