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Old 06-17-2011, 08:37 PM   #1
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did i make the right choice?

ok so i have been dating this guy for 5 months. he has never told me that he loved me just that he liked me a lot. he recently told me that he really likes me but doesn't love me and that he feels like he lost spark in the relationship and has felt like that for a month. well after that i found out that he has been talking to another girl that he met online for about 2 weeks and telling her stuff that he would do to her and how he wants her to visit him when he moves in the fall again. (they have never met) she stopped talking to him once she found out about me. anyways after i found all this out he keeps saying sorry and how he is an idiot and that he wants me and thats why he never took it far with her. he also said he did it to see if he felt sparks with someone else and that he actually realized that he wanted me. well him and i talked about it in person the next day i kinda forgave him a little about what he did. so him and i were hanging out that whole day. when i got him after seeing him i asked if he felt sparks again and he said yes it was just like we first met maybe more. i asked really why? and he goes idk i guess its bc i realized that i was about to lose you and i fell like an idiot for what i did.

so my question is did i make the right choice on forgiving him or should i have let him go?

(sorry if this all over the place or crazy)

 
Old 06-17-2011, 09:16 PM   #2
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Re: did i make the right choice?

I think you are right to give him another chance. At this stage of the relationship, there can be confusion and "cold feet". After about six months or so, a relationship does settle down and it can seem to be stagnant. This is when it should move to the next stage of consolidation and adjusting to being a permanent couple. This probably scared him a bit. He seems to have sorted himself out. Good luck, Sera.

 
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Old 06-17-2011, 09:34 PM   #3
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Re: did i make the right choice?

Yeah, maybe just stick around for a while and see how it goes. But if he starts acting weird again, you should definitely put him on notice and don't let him get away with it a second time!

 
Old 06-17-2011, 10:34 PM   #4
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Re: did i make the right choice?

It's hard to say whether taking him back would pay off, but I think men are pretty simple creatures by and large, and they know what they want and what they don't want. I dated a guy like yours. About 6 months in, (started dating in November and this was around May) he started feeling like maybe the spark wasn't really there. He took his "I love you" back and then suggested a break. Then said, no, I don't need one. 4th of July he was so glad he found me, loved me so much, blah blah blah, August he started cooling off again, Labor Day he broke up with me. Well, actually he grew so cold and distant that I demanded to know why and what was going on, and then he dumped me. But we "stayed friends." Halloween he "didn't know what he was thinking" and asked me to take him back. I did. Three weeks later to the day, he dumped me again. I couldn't bear not to have him in my life so I called him a few times. When he didn't return my calls I went to his house and we decided to do the "just friends" thing again, which really just amounted to me hanging around like a love sick puppy waiting for him to change his mind again. We did the "just friends" thing till early February, and he wanted to get back together with me, so we did. He swore he knew for sure he loved me this time, would never leave me again, over the next year we went ring shopping, talked about what part of town we'd live in, argued over what we'd name our kids. He started getting cold and distant again around the next holiday season. Groundhog day, he dumped me, for good this time. We had an argument and he said "I don't want to do this anymore" Well, I'd heard that many times before so I said I know how i feel, I'm not going anywhere so if you want it to end, you're going to have to end it. Think about it and call me and let me know what you decide. I waited to hear from him the next day, called him, got his voice mail, left a message saying "let me know!" He called me the next day and said "well, when I didn't call you back yesterday I thought you'd have gotten the message." And that was it. That was all he thought I deserved after two years and all those broken promises.

SO...you can see why I am not a big fan of "taking breaks" and taking a man back to give him another opportunity to reject you. Because like the book says, one thing a man does NOT do when he's really into you...he DOESN'T break up with you!! Makes sense, yes? And he doesn't look for other women, and he doesn't get cold feet, and he doesn't want to "take a break" and he doesn't "need space." But I know sometimes the heart wants what it wants. If you feel you have to see it through to the very end, then you must, though I have to tell you I do very much regret having gone back. I regret not having walked away 6 months in when he first started the "let's take a break, I need space" nonsense. I think all "I need space" means is "I'm not really that into you, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to be completely single again. I may still want you around to warm my bed and keep me diverted for a while longer." I wish I had thought I deserved better than that back then.

If you have to see it through, then you must. But only for as long as it's fun and good and he's emotionally present and available and "there" with you. Don't waste one minute you don't have to. If you feel him pulling away again, getting cold or distant again, please don't ignore it or think you can fix it. I really, truly can't tell you just how much I do regret the time I wasted with my guy and wish I had walked away much sooner. I was 33 when he was finally finished with me and was just no longer turning men's heads the way I used to, and never did find anyone else, despite having done the online dating thing for more than 10 years, singles clubs and agencies, having friends fix me up, and going out on literally around 300 dates. I'm 46 now, single, childless, and alone. Oh, and he's happily married to a woman he met very soon after leaving me, he might even have begun dating her before he officially finished with me, I'll never know, and she has many qualities he swore to me he would never, ever want in a woman in a million years. He also has three beautiful step-daughters, her kids from her first marriage. It still haunts me. And having wasted those last few good years, and ending up alone, is almost more sadness and loss and disappointment than I can bear sometimes. I just don't want you to have the same regrets.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 06-17-2011 at 10:37 PM.

 
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Old 06-18-2011, 10:37 AM   #5
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Re: did i make the right choice?

I can't say wether its right or wrong that you taken him back thats about how you feel but all i can say is your BRAVE lol, i wouldnt of given it another go. If i find a guy who i am in a relationship with flirting , sexting, cheating, been secretive etc....i end it , no questions asked. On the other hand if i am treat like crap in other ways i am a little bit of a doormat in that way but cheating or attempting to cheat or any of those things i listed above is a complete no no for me , instant split and no 2nd chances. Maybe people will say i am wrong for that , but i dont think i am because thats who i am and how i work as a person and how i feel.

You may be different, you took him back ...so take just it slow , keep a close eye on him but obviously not too much and see if he means it.

 
Old 06-19-2011, 01:43 AM   #6
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Re: did i make the right choice?

I don't know about this one, in my opinion this isn't really setting positive foundation for a good/healthy relationship.
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Old 06-20-2011, 02:02 AM   #7
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Re: did i make the right choice?

I dont know... but I think relationship doesn't need promises, terms and conditions. It only needs trust and understanding..
So, on and off things.. I think it's the butterfly, sometimes the butterflies gone for the better, couples who can pass it positively, they will grow up together in a mature way. But sometimes, people put the sparks as something that has to be in a relationship, so when it's gone, then they thought it's when the relationship should end. well, it needs two people to tango... communication is the best... if you can talk to him, and if he also wish to work it out with you, or he hopes that your relationship can work... then.. why not for a second chance? But, if after you talked to him, and he doesn't really hope that your relationship can work out, well, that is your answer..

I don't know how to answer your question, but that's my opinion. I have given my partner so many chance, i always ask him to think about it before he decides to break up with me for a ridiculous reason, ask him to think it deeply, and i just let him go all the time, i also didn't ask him to answer our conversation... I just gave him a lot of option, a lot of sight that might be he hasn't seen it yet, that's the point of learning and growing up together in a relationship. I told him, if he hopes that our relationship can work out, then that's great, we can start it all over again, and correct the mistake we've made (it's a phase of learning each other thou).... But, if he doesn't hope that our relationship can work out, well, i think that's my answer, we can cut it off, and he can go.

and oh well, we've never really break up, coz even when he feels he wants to break up with me, coz of my pressure, or immature me for being clingy, he would like to discuss it with me first, than just break it off. He once wanted to break up with me, then ignored me for about 2 weeks, but he still cares for me, and then, I told him, if he did that once again, we will cut it off.. if he still cares, and love me, please discuss it with me when the things starts to go wrong, or he has any complain, etc.. well..I'm glad he was listening, and put it to heart. So, now we are in the phase of start it all over again..

Strange thing is... i feel we both goes to the mature way, but, now I am struggling with my self.. I'm asian, 27 yo (same as my partner), I saw many of my friends already getting married and having kids... but, i don't know how this feeling comes, I feel they are too fast, and I just see my partner in my future, and i feel i will get married maybe after 5 to 10 years, but not in this 3 years, while people tells me that it is better to get married before 30, or that we as a woman should put a target to get married.. am I normal to feel that way? I mean.. I'm not ready.. both of us not ready for that.. financially or mentally.. am I normal..

anyway..I hope samjo92 and my relationship and other people in this forum can work out in a positive way.. goodluck for all, cheers.

 
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