Ive been with this girl for almost eleven months now, and i love her and she loves me...but things keep happening and i feel like im losing her... She tells me i hurt her a lot but i dont know that im doing it or that she got hurt, and i want to avoid all of that. She really is special to me and being the age i am maybe im naive in the ways of love...but even if that maybe i still want to keep this going because i know that whats in my heart is true...but i sometimes dont know what to do? Any help anything at all would be helpful. PLease keep an open mind and help me if u can. Thank you!
I geuss with things i say. I mean were not supposed to see each other cause of parents but we do and yesterday we were together and her dad found out and slapped her. It was kinda my fault cause i wouldnt let her leave. And i geuss with things i say but i dont know what i say that hurts her.
If you love a girl who is under her parent's authority and they don't want you seeing her, you are hurting her by not leaving her alone.
Just leave her alone. Not leaving her alone and letting her leave is about controlling her. That isn't love.
Just stay away and let her grow up. If you both care about each other when she is grown up and can take care of herself then there is a chance it will work out. Until then for you to hold on to her is hurting her.
Shes seventeen and she wants to be with me she cares for me the same as i her. And she wants to keep seeing me. She broke up with me a month ago and then came back she wants to be with me and i want to be with her. I dont see how me just being with her and holding on to her is hurting her??
You need to be careful. If she is only 17, she is still under her parents' responsiblity and if you're much older than her, they could get the police involved and it could get really ugly really fast. She is probably tired of fighting about you with her parents and just wants some peace. If you really loved her, you wouldn't put her in that position with her family. Until she gets out on her own, she has to live by their rules and there's really nothing you can do about it until then.
You should respect her relationship and dependence on her family. She cares for you but you are not her family and she is not emancipated or self-supported. If you love her wait for her to grow up and move out of her parent's home.
Im sixteen. And she doesnt normally fight with her parents about me. They normally like me. But i just dont know. And i care to much for me to say go, i give her the chose and shes never taken it shr stays.
The following user gives a hug of support to Zlnk7: HolyMoly (11-06-2011)
It's not really because you care so much for her. It's more that you aren't mature enough to give her what she needs. But that's understandable at your age.
She is disrespecting you, herself and her parents by disobeying them. But neither of you understand this. If each of you ever have children that become teenagers yourselves, you will then understand. Probably not until then.
I do care about her a lot. Soo much that it actually scares me. And she feels the same back. We have a different relationship. And i mean its only been recent that our parents said no seeing. Weve been together eleven months tomorrow and it was never like this before. I...i do care about her sooooo much thats why i cant let myself let me go weve already tried that it didnt work. We came back to ea h other. Maybe its blind love but i like to tell myself other wise. Im just really lost Bout this, i do know that i love her.
Love isn't just about how you feel. Love is about respect and responsibility, and self-sacrifice. There are times in love that being with the person one loves doesn't feel good at all. She also is not being responsible to you. I'm not surprised, because you both are still legally and emotionally children.
Love isn't a desperate desire to be together no matter what. That isn't love. It is dependency and maybe fear of being alone, fear of loss or something else, but it isn't love. Someday you might learn this.
Rather than to hide and see the girl in secret (which is not at all manly) you might try having a man to man talk with her father and ask him if you did anything to offend him and how you could make amends. If seeing you is influencing the girl to skip school, make bad grades, argue with her parents, etc., then waiting for her to grow up (become 18) would be the loving action to take.
Harboring a runaway against the will of her parents is not love no matter what you feel about her, and no matter how old you are.
love isnt just that its a feeling in the heart that only becomes whole when ur with your significant other. Love is the strong feeling of power and strength, desire, love, and the list continues from there.
I love my girlfriend not because im in mature, but maybe to some people i am, I love her because of that powerful feeling in the heart that pulls me towards her, the happiness i receive from being in her company, the little knowledge she sheds upon me about this world.
The feeling i feel when im around her i know is not the need to need her, but the feeling of pure love.
Love is also the way she lights up when she sees me and i her, the way she knows when im upset, hurt, angry, when im feeling anything she know and she'll always listen and ill always listen to her, love is being able to completely and totally know someone and to be able to walk hand in hand with them through life no matter the distance or the hardships, being able to surpass and be triumphant over certain obstacles, being able to cross the impossible chasm with her. She is the only person who actually cares about me and has actually taken the time to care, the only one who keeps me going.
I know deep down that if i ever had to lay down my life for her i would do it and i wouldnt even think twice about it. I will always be there with arms wide open for her.
IM not like everyone else i actually care about her from the very bottom of my heart...and i know that i truly do love her.
No im sorry if this seems rude or is confusing as my mind tends to jump around. I would love to hear your reply to this, if you dont mind?
The following user gives a hug of support to Zlnk7: HolyMoly (11-17-2011)
I don't get emails when someone replies so that is why I only now saw your post. I am responding because I think you are a good hearted person. You are worthwhile and you can become the man a woman (and possible future children) needs you to be.
In answer to your post, I can see that you have a lot of emotion tied to this relationship and that it meets your emotional needs, and that you believe it meets her emotional needs. I know I am writing things that are hard for you to grasp. But in my opinion if we want love to last it's important to learn a meaning of love that is much deeper than what we feel.
Feeling of desire to be together is really important, but as important as it is, it is only a small part of true love. Since it feels so good, it seems being together right now means it must be so right. But, love is also about sacrificing what feels good at the time for what is best for both you and the other person in the long run. So then what do you do when love means waiting? and all love does mean waiting, because we are human and have real needs.
You see, everything you wrote is about feeling good. Not about her true needs as a human being and a girl. It's great to feel good, but no one can live on feeling good. And of course at your age you don't know what she needs, nor do you yet have the capacity to give her those things. If you concentrate on what you need to be doing to grow into a man, you can become that person that can give her what she needs. There is no need to rush the relationship beyond your or her maturity.
She needs food, clothes, a roof over her head, an education, work experience. Her parents are responsible to give her those things and are trying to get her attention off of you and onto becoming able to take care of herself in the world. They know they can't be there for her forever and neither can you. So, love is about how you feel but also about being realistic and having self control and ability to wait for the best timing. Love means backing off and letting a child grow up to become who she is meant to be as an adult, and concentrating on becoming an adult yourself so you have something worthwhile to offer besides feelings.
Are you ready right now to provide the security a mother and baby will need? Maybe someday you can, but you need to use your energy to look realistically at the future, get good grades, improve your own life skills and work capacity, get an education, and so forth. Doing that to take care of your own responsibility is loving yourself and your friend. When you love yourself you increase your capacity to love.
At the same time, she also is responsible to spend her time and focus, not on making you feel good, but by respecting her parents' wishes that she concentrate on her own grades, education, developing her capacity to work and contribute to the needs of a future family.
Do you see what I am saying?
This is what you wrote:
"I know deep down that if I ever had to lay down my life for her I would do it and I wouldn't even think twice about it."
Love means having feelings (anyone that is not dead has feelings), but love is about taking responsibility. The picture of love you mentioned is only about feelings. You are not demonstrating that you will lay down your life for her. If you would, you would tell her that you love her and will wait for her, but she needs to respect her parents and take care of her personal responsibilities at home and in school so you two can later have a good life together and with her family. Because we still need extended family after we move on our own. That is laying down your life for her. But you have been unwilling to do it, because your concern has mainly been about emotions, not responsibility. Love is all about responsibility.
Her parents, who loved her all of her life understand her better than you, and want the best for her way more than you do. You need to trust this, and help her grow up and look beyond her emotions, too. Then the two of you caN REAlly feel good about your relationship. Right now I think you each are not feeling very good about what is going on in your lives. It's your and her responsibility to have a right relationship at your age with her parents. It isn't the parent's fault that you don't.
It's time for each of you to quit resisting and to listen to the parents. Talk with them and ask what they want you to do, and tell them you only want what is best for their daughter. And if they want you to leave her alone for now, respect it. They know things about her that you don't. If she is acting up toward them at home, she is going to at some time act up toward you. They are trying to nip a problem in the bud. Someday you may have kids and you will want the same kind of respect.
After she and you are both adults and on your own, you both can choose for yourselves. And, if you respect her parents you will most likely have their blessing. Doesn't this make sense?
Yrs i understand but her parents arent parents her mom lives in mebraska her dad is an ex marine who has bi polar and has only been apart of her life for 2 years and her step mother has two problem teens of her own. When shes home shes alone. Im the one who makes sure she helps out around her house makes sure she gets her homework done im the one who pushes her to be all that she can be. I would openly gi e my life for her.
No parents are perfect. That you don't approve of parents, or that they are separated or ill doesn't make them not her parents. Her parents are her parents. You are rationalizing that she needs you to fill the parental role in her life. That's completely untrue. You are not her father or her mother. It fine for a 17 year old teenager to be at home alone. It's safe and it's not your business.
Your job is not to parent someone, esp. not a girlfriend. There is a big difference between what you are doing and 'giving your life for her'. You are pretending she needs you to know what to do or to do it. That isn't the job of a boyfriend, or even a friend. You are causing this girl trouble by trying to remain available and tied to her. This is not 'giving your life up' for her; it is you trying to make her your life.
At your age and stage in life your job is to look after your own schooling so that when you grow up you actually can support your own self, so you will have something steady and secure to offer a personal relationship. You have not done this because you are trying to make sure a girl does this. That is called parenting. Parenting a peer is not part of being her true friend.
It seems like you are obsessing about this girl's life rather than to concentrate on developing your own. I'm wondering why you are letting this relationship distract you. Nope, her 'need' of you and your need of her isn't about true love. We can't show real love to anyone else until we show it to ourselves.
Usually girls are more mature than guys. This girl seems very immature. It's not up to you to correct someone else's immaturity. I think you are a very caring and smart guy that is being taken advantage of by an excessively dependent, unbalanced and immature girl. It's that or you are the one that is excessively dependent and unbalanced. But I don't think you are.
Why not turn your caring onto yourself and concentrate on developing your life skills so you can attract and have realistic and balanced appropriate relationships?
its not that im telling her to do these things simply standing by her and helping her if need be. I want her to do what her parents tell her to do so that she doesnt get in any more trouble the n she already is.