| | What is wrong with me?!
Hi, I don't really know if this will be the most organized post, my thoughts are a bit all over the place. And there's alot of symptoms and such to describe, so this may be a bit long. sorry ):
The past few months, my mental state has gone a bit downhill. I find myself always in a bad/weird mood, I am very irritable, it doesn't take much to make me cry. Even my boyfriend and family have noticed my negative state.
I've always had problems with sleeping, but in the past 2 or 3 months it's gotten worse. It doesn't matter if I wake up at 9am or 3pm, I can't seem to fall asleep until early morning. I wake up and am usually tired and cranky. I have these weird tingling, electric sensations in my arms and legs, like something is poking me or crawling on me. It makes me want to run a million miles and thrash about until it feels better.
I've gained about 15-20 pounds in the last year (Actually just lost about 8, woohoo!) and it didn't bother me too much, all my clothes still fit and guys still found me attractive. But in the past 3 or 4 months, I've become OBSESSED with my weight and looks. I either don't eat, hardcore count and restrict my calories, or go completely overboard and eat like a pig (which still totals to about 2000 cals on binge days) I am constantly in the mirror poking and prodding my fat, jiggling it and imagining what I would look like thin.
I have ZERO motivation anymore. I don't even have the will to get up and get in the shower more than 2 or 3 times a week :P I don't get out of my pj's. I don't go to the gym and go for walks like I used to. I stopped hanging out with and talking to alot of my friends, I just feel like I'm growing apart from all of them and I really don't even want to see them. I don't draw and write as much as I used to, and those used to be things I loved. My sex life has suffered too, I just never seem to be "in the mood" anymore.
Currently, my life is in a bit of disarray. 3 months ago, I had an abortion. I made the decision far too quickly, I got it done 2 weeks after I found out. I regret it everyday, especially after my boyfriend told me he would have wanted me to keep it. My father, who I have never had a good relationship with, is dying. He's been battling pancreatic cancer and its complications for over 3 years. I moved out of his house in June when I graduated and have probably only seen him a dozen times since then. He was physically and mentally abusive, he called me names, all that good stuff. I'm also remembering alot of things from my childhood that I haven't though about in years, such as sexual abuse at age 5-7 from my mother's boyfriends much older son, and abandonment issues with my mom. She took off 10 years ago, I haven't heard from her since and I wonder alot about what she's doing and where she is.
So, my question is, WHAT IS GOING ON? Have I developed some form of depression or anxiety? Should I see a doctor or psychiatrist? Would some form of medication be helpful? I'm tired of living like this, with no motivation or pleasure from things I used to enjoy. I want to be happy and normal again.