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Old 08-31-2004, 10:04 PM   #1
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Unhappy what if it never gets better?

This has been the hardest weekend i have had in a very long time. And let me tell you... i have had some bad ones. I am sick of feeling sick... and tired of being tired. And i worry that this is as good as i am ever ever going to feel again. Sunday night it got bad...real bad... a friend I/M'd me and realized what state of mind (or lack there of) I was in, and what i was capable of... actually willing and ready to do. He sent the Sheriff to my house... and i tap danced my way out of a ticket to the nut house. I'm not sure what makes me feel worse... the embarrassment..of being found out... the guilt... of getting my friend involved... or the fear of knowing that i would try it again... if i thought I would stop feeling so crappy. I go back to the doctor in Oct. but nothing seems to change... my numbers are ok (which only means that my tsh is .17... and he doesn't believe in other tests) and i am on 200mcg of Synthroid. But the Hypo symptoms are still just as present as ever. And the depression hits so quick... I live in a small area, and with insurance the way it is... changing doctors is pretty close to impossible. I am scared to death that this is as good as i am ever going to feel. I'm sorry to have gone on...I can't believe i actually put this into print, but everyone has been so encouraging. Thanks for listening.

 
Old 09-01-2004, 01:24 AM   #2
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Re: what if it never gets better?

Oh Bubblebug,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Big Hugs to you.

I know what you mean and where you are coming from. It's so scary, especially when you have a run of a few bad days and spend the whole time in bed crying. Oh, boy, do I know where you are coming from. With me, I really think that most of this stems from the feeling of fear that it will never end and that your body is out of control and you can't make yourself do what you used to do. I just have to remind myself that yes, it is a disease but it is treatable with time.

The advice I would give you, is to capitalise on your better days. Do your research and find some fight from somewhere. Get some support from your friends and don't be afraid to lean on them for a while. If they're good friends they will be only too happy to offer some sort of help for you - even if it's just taking you for a drive. My boyfriend takes me for a drive up to the shops every day after he gets back from work just to make sure I get out of the house every day.

Avoid stress where possible and get to know your limits. I now know for a fact that i can't cope with my mother at the moment and she exhausts me. She doesn't understand and never will so please stay away from situations or people you can't handle.

Make sure your meds are the right ones for you.Have you tried T3 yet? Post your latest lab results here and get some advice from people who know what you are going through so you can arm yourself with some info. If your doctor won't listen, go elsewhere. Many doctors will talk to you over the phone or answer e-mails so if you can't travel, give them a call. I know it takes a bit of strength to do this, especially on a bad day. I ended up having to get on a plane and go to the UK to see a thyroid expert after being told I had CFS and there was nothing they could do for me here. Pah! I had to wait til I was well enough to travel but it was worth it. (Hopefully!)

I know what you are going through, as many people here will do. It's so hard to be positive and some days, I too just lose it, especially if I have over done it and get over tired. Every saucepan I own has a dent in it from when I throw inanimate objects at the wall and I don't think the doors will ever recover from the slamming they get!

Be kind to yourself babes and get some advice here. Thinking of you,

Felix x

 
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Old 09-01-2004, 11:43 AM   #3
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tumblina HB User
Re: what if it never gets better?

I just went through a bout like that; I too was feeling like I was never getting better. What I ended up doing is making up a journal/chart where I put in how I'm feeling every day so that when I feel terrible, I can look back and realise that I don't always feel that way, I do have some good days even if I can't remember them when I'm sick.

Be gentle with yourself. And when you do get a little bit of energy - don't try and do everything at once (voice of experience here ). Small steps!

I hope you are able to sort out the meds soon. Other things I've found for support in the mean time - absolute minimum of stress (my worst one is panicking about health!), clean diet, avoiding allergens, and delegating/leaning on friends. Sticking to the basics.

Hope you feel better soon.

Last edited by tumblina; 09-01-2004 at 11:43 AM.

 
Old 09-01-2004, 12:11 PM   #4
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niecsey HB Userniecsey HB User
Re: what if it never gets better?

(((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) )) l understand

 
Old 09-01-2004, 12:12 PM   #5
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Re: what if it never gets better?

Thank you for the wonderful reply's. Somehow, I knew the people here would shed a little light on this dark that i seem to be suffocating in. I don't do well with the whole "rely on others" thing. I've never really had anyone that i could rely on. I guess it is just a little easier typing to a blank page than looking people in the eyes. You can't see the disappointment in a compouter that you can a face. And you don't have to worry about being a downer... or a burden. Here, people either answer or they don't ... no expectations. (although, in the short time i have come to you all for help... i have always gotten answers... and kind, genuine support... thank you to all.)
The idea of the journal/chart, is a good idea. I think i will try that. I may even try denting some saucepans. Anyway, I just wanted you all to know how very much i appreciate your kindness.
"I understand" are the nicest words i think i have heard in a long time... thanks .

Last edited by bubblebug64; 09-01-2004 at 04:29 PM.

 
Old 09-02-2004, 12:21 AM   #6
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Felix73 HB User
Re: what if it never gets better?

Bubblebug,

Hope you are ok and managing today. Thinking of you.

I too really struggled with the "asking for help" thing. I have always prided myself on being independant and enjoy helping others more than being helped.

But what I found is that, those who are close to you and come into the category of "people who understand" are at a loss for ways to help. They can see what we are going through yet can't do anything about it. My BF was tearing his hair out! I've actually realised that if i do ask my boyfriend to help more, it actually makes him feel less helpless. I do actually think that this has strengthened our relationship. (he was not the target of the saucepans!)

It's not easy but thinking of it this way helps. I suspect you are one of those people who always manages and never gives in, so this whole thing is a huge shock to you. Feelings of being out of control are hardest for those who are always in control.

Maybe someone up there is trying to teach us a lesson!

Hugs,

Felix x

 
Old 09-02-2004, 05:59 AM   #7
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Re: what if it never gets better?

Felix,
Thank you again, for your reply's... for thinking of me... for everything. And you are right. This being out of control is very hard for me. I live alone, and do not open up easily to others. Which again, is freaky that i feel so at ease doing so here on this board. When i have broken down and called someone, I always feel so guilty later. I hate to have anyone see me that out of control. I have never had a "no matter what" kind of relationship. And do not trust, especially when it feels like this "craziness" is too much to ask anyone to deal with. I am trying though. And the people here have helped. Like i said before.."I understand" are the most wonderful words i have ever heard. The last few days have been better.... not great... but we haven't needed the sheriff
You are in my thoughts and i wish for you more good days than bad. Seems like all we can hope for.

Hugs hugs hugs....bubblebug

 
Old 09-02-2004, 07:11 AM   #8
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Re: what if it never gets better?

Bubblebug,
I too know those dark holes we can fall into. I was there also. It took quite awhile to get out, but I did. It did though take some help from antid's for me. My thyroid was partially to blame also, but until it got under some kind of control and I started antid's did I start to feel better. I did do some counseling for awhile too, which really helped. Coming from a major dysfunctional childhood, it took me a long time to come to grips with my issues. I am almost 48 now and feel so much better now.
Once you get your medications regulated, you will feel better and you know it does get better. Journaling is a very good thing to do. My sister does that and she says it is wonderful for her. I tried, but I couldn't bring myself to write my innermost feelings on paper. I do a lot of thinking through and that seems to help me. I also have a wonderful support system.
Hope it gets better for you day by day!

 
Old 09-02-2004, 11:44 AM   #9
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Felix73 HB User
Re: what if it never gets better?

Bubblebug,


Hope you had a "good" day Bubblebug, wherever you are!

Have you thought about posting your lab results and medication info yet? I've been thinking and wondering about your FT3 and FT4 figures. Have you had these tested? You mentioned your TSH but as far as I can work out, this is irrelevant once you have started on thyroxine. (MidWest, we need you!!!!!) There are a lot of really smart people here who have been through this and maybe they can help.

Anyway, didn't want to start preaching. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you,

Felix x

 
Old 09-02-2004, 03:29 PM   #10
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Re: what if it never gets better?

Thank you ... thank you ... thank you. You have all been so wonderful and supportive. Today was a fairly good day. I am tired, but not miserable. This place seems to have been the best support system. It is so nice to be able to say what is happening, and have people really really UNDERSTAND! I see the doc in October, and may have to try the antid's, but am scared to death (no pun intended) of them. Most medications seem to make me sick... and the thought of the side effects really worry me. Especially if it is not the problem. My doctor has not done the ft's... he only goes by the TSH ... so i don't have any numbers other than that one to post... it was .17. And i am on 200mcg of Synthroid. I am going to have to be more forceful and insist on the other tests. But... it is hard in a little community.. with stupid insurance the way it is... to just "change" docs. Hopefully, i can keep it under control until i can see him again.. and keep the sheriff off my doorstep. (i know it isn't funny... but am trying to see the humor in something) I do know that all of you have been a Godsend... and I will never be able to Thank you enough.
I hope you all are having more good days than bad....Hugs

 
Old 09-03-2004, 02:06 AM   #11
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Re: what if it never gets better?

Bubblebug,

Please be more forceful!!!! Stuff what your doc or other people think - they won't be there when you're crying cos you're so fed up and feeling like cr**.

I have found that to get the best out of doctors, you have to firm and tell them the course of action you want to take. Most GP's ( in the UK anyway,) are at a loss for treating anything like this and will try to help but are often not experts unless you are lucky to hit on the right person. My doctor wanted to refer me to a psychiatrist but I just told him that this wasn't a psychiatric problem - yet! I did my own research and found someone who I felt could help me. My endo already had me on anti-d's and they made me feel awful as I didn't need them, probably. He was fired and I found a wonderful thyroid expert who was great.

Find some fight from somewhere!

Hope you keep feeling better. Have a great weekend.

Felix x

 
Old 09-04-2004, 06:44 AM   #12
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hyperone HB User
Re: what if it never gets better?

I am hearing and feeling you. I have been having a rough time too, with my endo calling urgently yesterday to report that my tsh levels went from .01 to 39 in one month. I actually started on antidepressants a little over a week ago because I could not take feeling like I was lost somewhere in my body under my extreme swollen and puffy eyes, with mind working haphazardly!!! Since my doctor urgently calling in synthroid last night, I wonder if I truly needed the antideppressants, but family and friends say it probably will just help me get through this horrific experience!! Call your doctor and let him know just how bad things are. He may be more likely to run additional tests. By the way, when is your next scheduled appointment? I will be praying for you!!

 
Old 09-04-2004, 07:20 AM   #13
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west end girl HB User
Re: what if it never gets better?

Thinking of you {{{{{hugs}}}}}}

I'm agree with Felix 'don't worry about what other people think"

Hang on in there

Sara xx
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" stay happy, keep positive & smile every day "

 
Old 09-04-2004, 12:29 PM   #14
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Felix73 HB User
Re: what if it never gets better?

Bubblebug,
Hope you are ok.

Saucepans have got a bashing this weekend! May have to start on the crockery!

Big hugs,

felix x

 
Old 09-04-2004, 04:24 PM   #15
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bubblebug64 HB User
Re: what if it never gets better?

Hyperone,
Hope they figure out what is going on with you and get your meds under control, and maybe off the anti depressants. I am bucking the system, i know, by not wanting them, but I am so sensitive to meds...making me sick...don't want the side effects that they bring to the table. My next appointment is October 14. And am going to ask for the free levels to be drawn. Hopefully then, can ask the people here help me inerperet the readings.

Sara,
{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} back to you!!! When i am in a "sane" mood, i can let what others thing go by a whole lot easier... unfortunately for me...Haven't been in a "sane" mood for some time. The good thing... is that the people here have been so understanding...letting me vent... and not making me feel bad for whining so much. It really has helped. Thanks.

Felix,
So sorry about the saucepans! I feel for you... believe me. So far... have stayed out of the kitchen this week. Up and down... but haven't had to have the sheriff come back...Am thinking maybe we could start a business...selling slightly dented pans. Hang tought! Your kindness got me through a very very difficult time... know that i am thinking of you. And wishing you the same.

{{{{{hugs}}}}} to all for your replies, kindness, and support. Here's to more good days than bad. BB

 
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