I am just not myself. I haven't felt like myself for 15 years or so, but lately, it is so much worse. I am always irritable - road rage is a walk in the park compared to how I feel when I drive. I seem to always be in a rage.
I am angry with my siblings (all of them) and have recently cut myself off from them. They were horrible to me last year, before, and after, my three surgeries, and since I am facing another surgery soon, I can't bear to think what they might be able to do to upset me, so I don't want to give them the chance to hurt me anymore. Mostly it's just self-centered stuff, where they can't seem to focus away from their own selfish interests long enough to see that someone else has had a major surgery, can't drive, and therefore does not want to pick them up from the police station at 3AM. One brother came to visit me a week after my hysterectomy, and I had to sleep in a chair in my living room for a week! I couldn't go up the steps to my own bedroom without intense pain, so I started sleeping in the guest bedroom. He shows up, unannounced, completely ignores the fact that I had just had major surgery, and goes in the guest room with his stuff. He never even asked why I was sleeping in a chair - that's how completely self-absorbed my siblings are. I could go on for days about the insensitive and insane stuff I've put up with - in fact, I'm convinced that is a large part of why I am sick. Because I've let them walk all over me all my life, have kept my mouth shut, and now, all the words I never said are stuck in my throat - right in the vacinity of the thyroid! I kind of like my new, "I won't take any S--- from anyone" attitude, but there is a line between assertive and aggressive. I've become aggressive.
Now that I am about to have another surgery, a TT, I feel as though all the stuff I've held inside all my life is coming out, too, and it scares me! My one brother, who has been living with me for 9 months (I could say, "mooching off me") because he, through his own fault, (drug and alcohol abuse) lost everything (home, job, vehicle), finally left here, ONLY because I changed the locks on the door! I can't tell if I am acting crazy (I really am - like a mad woman!!) because of the Hashi's being really flared up (I can tell my gland is severely inflammed - it is so sore, feels like I am getting hit in the neck with a baseball, pain shooting up into jaw and ears). Or, am I acting crazy because I am going crazy?
Is it possible that the Hashi's can make a person feel "mental"? I mean, I really feel as though I am mentally ill. I may come through this surgery and say, "Who was that woman???" I doubt I'll ever regret telling my family to leave me alone - I've wanted that for 30 years! But will I feel differently after the surger? Is this "personality change" from my thyroid?
Oh Ora, bless your heart! *hugs* I've read some of your posts and, with all you've been through in the past few years, you wouldn't be normal if you WEREN'T feeling mental! With all your past and current physical problems, it's a wonder you're still able to function at all. Please be gentle with yourself through this tough time and don't beat yourself up for feeling frustrated, irritated, depressed and just plain ****** off. I don't have Hashi's but I felt so irritable and sick this past three months I ended up almost totally isolating myself because the world was just too much for me to handle. I also had a lot of jaw and ear pain in my right ear....and that has completely disappeared since my surgery, as has the pain I felt in the right side of my neck. It's just amazing to me that my diseased thyroid was affecting my entire body!
I pray after your surgery you will find yourself feeling so much better that you will feel like a new woman.....I certainly do! And HURRAH for you for setting some healthy boundaries with your family.....you go girl!
Last edited by Intrigue50; 08-05-2006 at 08:22 PM.
Ora, I just read your last post, and I do feel bad for you, and happy that you are putting your foot down, I went through some tough times with a sister, not exactly the same as yours, but I was sick and tired of her running my life.on top of that our father was failing, and my husband and I seperated..so I too had a full plate, and ened up with hyper thyroid. I am on meds, as I won't do the rai or surgery..but you have to get your mind and spirit back in balance..do you ahve a faith that you can rely on? That has been my rock.
Prayers for you
I am angry with my siblings (all of them) and have recently cut myself off from them. They were horrible to me last year... I can't bear to think what they might be able to do to upset me, so I don't want to give them the chance to hurt me anymore. Mostly it's just self-centered stuff, where they can't seem to focus away from their own selfish interests...
Ora, you and I must have the same siblings!!! Are you and I long lost sisters?
Don't let 'em get to ya, hon. I've decided my life is far more peaceful and serene without them. Some days are harder... I start missing what I thought I had... wishing for what I'll never have. Then I think about it a little more and realize it was all a figment of my imagination, and I become content once again with the way things are destined to be.
The old saying is true. You pick your friends; your relatives are thrust upon you. Just because you shared the same womb doesn't mean you'll be able to get along or even like each other. Especially when there's no mutual respect.
Can Hashi's make you feel mental? Sure... but not nearly as much as a bunch of ingrate relatives.
Hang in there, friend. You can get do this. You're in the home stretch, now. Have you any kids to help you through the surgical period?
Intrigue50 - Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you for your kindness! It is SO hard to not feel well, and it helps to know that I am not the only one who sometimes wants the world to go away! Even when my neighbors mow their grass it causes me extreme discomfort, due to the hyper-sensitivity of my ears - they have no idea how much I dread it when I hear the motors start. And yes, I needed to set boundaries years ago, and never did, so it is no wonder they are shocked now that I want them to leave me alone - especially since I am facing surgery again. How sad - that is usually a time when you need and want your family around! You have made me so hopeful - hearing about how your symptoms, which are much like mine, went away after your surgery. My only real fear is that, since I've been like this for SO long - (over 17 years) - that I won't get the symptom relief. Like, maybe it has all become chronic or something! But thank you for your thoughtful reply - it has made me feel SO MUCH better!!
Suelynn - Yes, I don't believe I would even be here had it not been for my faith sustaining me. That, and my son, who is absolutely the most wonderful gift I have ever received. I have been sick for so long, and have suffered with no support at all, from family. Even my husband left me 3 years after our son was born - because he couldn't deal with me being sick all the time. I was not the high energy person he married, and I could no longer earn the living he was used to me earning! You wouldn't believe what my sisters did to me after my husband left - when I needed support. They had a fight with my mom, and I took her side, and so, two months after my husband left me, my sisters refused to speak to me. That lasted until my mother's death 7 years ago, when I called them to tell them she had passed away. They never apologized to me for blowing me off for 7 years, nor felt any remorse for shunning our mother. My faith , and my son, have been the two reasons I kept getting out of bed each day. But you are right - I need to get my spirit back in balance, because it was when my family - especially my sisters - began to cause me to doubt even my faith, I knew it was time to get away from them. Thank you for your replies, and I will keep you in my prayers!
Midwest1 - That you so much, too. I am so sorry that you had to experience the same kind of sadness at the realization that your siblings are not the kind of people who are healthy to be around. I appreciate so much what you do on this board - you have helped so many people! And yet, your family does not recognize the truly caring person that you are? Or, maybe they, like my family, just take advantage of the gift they had in you. I have a son, and he is the most wonderful gift I've ever received. He is so kind, and thoughtul, and considerate, and helpful. I also have wonderful friends, llike those on this board, and some whom I've known since I was 9 - 43 years now! So, maybe God gave me a wonderul son, and great friends, because I have such unloving siblings - I don't know. But I know that my life will be so much more peaceful without them in it. And, I may even get better if I can have peace in my life!
Thank you all for your thoughtful and heartfelt replies! It has made me feel so much better - I'm even going to print this thread out and keep it in a place where I can look at it when I feel like Midwest1 at times - when I feel sad because of the gulf between what my relationship with my siblings IS and what I wanted it to be.