What about when everyone talks about you getting pg next? - Trying to Conceive (TTC) Message Board

Marie M · 08-19-2005, 06:55 PM

I know it's sorta normal to feel like everyone in the world is pg or has a cute new baby except you while you're TTC....but what do you do when it seems like the whole world is telling you "Oh, you'll be the next one!" and "I bet we're going to have a new expecting mother here soon". This is my first time TTC, and I haven't told ANYONE outside this board, because my dh and I are the first of all our sibblings married, and we want it to be a surprise, and we both want our mothers to be the first to find out. But sometimes, I feel like I'm getting to the point where I just wanna burst... I seem to let on to people that I don't want to have kids for a while yet, which is VERY hard.... but I don't know what else to do when they act like that!

But I'm just worried that i'm going to lose all my friends one of these days because I'm gonna yell at them to just shut up and leave me alone... can't they see I'm not pg yet?! Don't they know how much they are devastating me, or how hard it is?! I just don't know what to do. Please help.

lovemydogs · 08-19-2005, 07:49 PM

I completely understand the way you feel! I have been married for 2 years - DH and I have been together for 5....and for the last 3 years (yes, even before we were married) my own mother started in with the "when are you going to give me grandchildren" business. At first it was humorous...but as time went on, I let my mother know that we were not planning on starting a family just yet and to please stop. She didn't. And now that we are TTC (have been for about a year) it is really aggravating when she talks about it. Like you, we haven't told anyone that we are TTC (we not only want it to be a surprise, but we also feel like it is a lot of pressure when people know you are TTC) I am at this point starting to feel like we may never get pregnant which is so frusterating in itself. But my mother has started buying things for her unborn (make that un-conceived) grandchildren. It started innocently with Baby's First Christmas ornaments bought on clearance after Christmas, and has escalated into all out shopping sprees. She has 2 different Christening gowns for when we baptise the non-existant children, several pairs of baby shoes, curtains for the nursery (not yet decorated), baby blankets, baby toys, etc. I asked my mother at one time to please stop buying things and talking about us getting pregnant. She didn't understand why, and I told her that if we ended up not being able to get pregnant, all of her purchases and comments would just hurt that much more. I thought she understood, and that it would stop. But 6 months after that conversation, nothing has changed. Of course she isn't the only person who asks us when we will get pregnant...both of our families (aunts, uncles, cousins...) everyone we work with, friends... I think once you've been married for a year, people just expect it. But it gets harder and harder with every cycle that passes. I'm sorry to have ranted and written so much here... But it does help to get it off my chest. PS - just today I found out that a girl I work with is pregnant. I lost it...

tropbelle28 · 08-20-2005, 01:21 AM

Hi girls

Both your posts were very moving and I think all of us on here know how you feel. I totally lost it at work recently when a colleague found out she was pregnant by accident (whilst using b/c - how unfair is that???!)

Anyway, if either of you can speak to the people who are hurting you with their comments the way you have explained it to us here, then they will see exactly how damaging their comments and actions (buying all that baby stuff would just make me cry and cry!) are to you. I guess everyone ttc is a little sensitive, especially if it has been a while, and I'm guessing all these family members/friends aren't trying actively to hurt you, they just don't get it and they need it explained, just as you have here. It may one of the hardest thing to do, but I am sure once they know how you feel, they will try to be more sensitive in their comments.

I was married before to a Catholic man (one of 9 children) so my then mil was a complete nightmare about asking when we would be having 100s of children. This, among other things, was what caused the marriage to fail. She was completely insensitive as she was the most fertile woman ever who just had to look at a baby to get pregnant. Grrrrrrrrrr!

Anyhow, things are MUCH better now and dh no 2 is FANTASTIC :O) So is my mil as she was a midwife so she is very helpful.

Sorry for the rant - be brave and tell them how you feel.

Good luck and loads of baby dust to us all

TB xx

Marie M · 08-20-2005, 09:47 AM

Well, see, I have one friend who has thought it was very funny to tease me about it as much as possible, and so I let her know that, ya know, it's hard because she's not the only one doing it to me, and i'm very obviously not pg right now, and she doesn't realize how much it hurts.... and so then she stopped...but I really didn't like doing that because she's a friend of my sister's (and kinda a blabbermouth!) so I don't know how much of my family already knows i'm TTC..... I'm sure I won't know until I'm pg! But no one has said anything in my family so far. For me it's mostly friends and my dh's co-workers.... all of whom are having children. That's the hard ones.... but like I said, I don't want to let on to anyone that I'm TTC.

Lovemydogs- I'm so sorry to hear that and I'm glad you could get it off your chest. Maybe you should try explaining it to your mother again....maybe she needs a reminder after 6 months? With your situation, it might almost be better if you DO let her know you're ttc.... Maybe it could help relive some of the pressure instead of makeing more... perhaps let your mom know that you've been trying this long, and that it's very hurtful in and of itself that you haven't been able to concive yet, LET ALONE all the gut-wrenching reminders she's been putting on you as well...Maybe, you could tell her that if she wants to buy baby things, she can keep them to herself until it's time...kinda like a christmas or birthday present, that you don't want to know what it is yet. Try doing it when you're not already upset though, so it doesn't sound like you're yelling at her or something, that's how i'm sure my mother would take it. Anyhow, hugs and prayers out to you and the best of luck!

Jordyn · 08-20-2005, 11:01 AM

I am one of those blabbemouth people who told everyone we were ttc...we already have a darling little boy who was 2 in April and who was conceived first try. I was so sure it would be that easy again and had it all planned out. Well first try we did conceive and 11 days after af was due (I guess at 5.5 weeks pg) I had a m/c. I survived that o.k. and kept a secret from no one because I really wasn't that upset about it....I had only just discovered that I was pg. Well now after 3 cycles since the m/c and no bfp yet I am wishing I'd kept my big mouth shut. I work in the school system and everyone I work with told me that keep their ears open for my big news over the summer. Now it is 2 weeks till school starts again and I won't have any news for them then....who knows if I ever will.
I like having the support of friends and am glad some people know that we are trying and aren't having a lot of luck...I need to get things off my chest and vent. But I wish that we hadn't been so open with everyone.
Here's to hoping that we all have bfp soon and can forget about all this stuff and move on to baby shoes and soothers!!!!