Unsupportive husband - Trying to Conceive (TTC) Message Board

Mari123 · 09-17-2006, 05:59 AM

I hope someone can help me. My husband and I have been married for six years. It's the second marriage for both of us. He has two children, ages 12 and 9 from his first marriage. The girls have lived with us full-time for the past five years and look to me as their mom. They have very little contact with their bio-mom, just 3 weeks in the summer and 1 week during their Christmas vacation. I really wanted to have a biological child with my husband and we started TTC four years ago. Unfortunately, I had a lot of fertility issues. After being on infertility drugs for about one year, I had two surgeries in hopes of correcting the problem. Then we did four artificial inseminations, all of which failed. At first, we agreed that artificial insemination was the only step we were going to take, but after the last one failed and I was so distraught, we decided to try one cycle of In Vitro Fertilization. Bingo! I got pregnant this summer and am now eight weeks along. The problem is my husband's reaction....because I'm considered high-risk (over 40, never had children before, in-vitro conception), we couldn't have sexual relations after the embryo transfer (about two weeks). Then, when it was confirmed I was pregnant, the doctor wanted us to wait another four weeks before having sex, just to be on the safe side and to minimize any chance of miscarriage. Since then, not a day has gone by that my husband hasn't complained about how "neglected" and "frustrated" he is. At first it didn't bother me, but now it's another story. He doesn't seem happy or excited about the baby at all. I had my second ultrasound last week and he just sat there, looking at the monitor, hearing the baby's heartbeat and not saying ANYTHING. Whenever I talk about "the baby", he really doesn't seem interested. He never talks about the baby. I've had REALLY bad morning sickness for the past two weeks and he doesn't ask how I'm feeling, if I need anything, or even call me from work to see how I am doing. When I first complained about feeling sick, he said, "Well, you bought into this." He won't speak to me unless I ask him a question. The times that we do talk we end up arguing. He tells me that he feels like I "used" him to get pregnant, that he feels that ALL the sex we had in the past was encouraged by me only in hopes of getting pregnant and now that I'm pregnant, I don't need him anymore except for financial support. He also says that he knows how it will be when the baby is born, he (my husband) will have to take a back seat to the baby and I won't be as "available" to him (my husband) as I used to be. He says I faked my desire for him the entire time we've been together and says he feels like a total fool for "believing" that I "loved" him. This is not true, yet no matter how hard I try to talk to him about how I feel, he doesn't believe me. He frequently travels on business and I am left on my own a lot with the kids. When he calls, he only wants to talk to the kids to see how they are doing. He doesn't ask me how I'm feeling or how I'm doing. I am so sad about this. I'm angry too. The other night he asked me if I was having an affair (why else would it not bother me to not have sex? he thinks) I feel stupid, too, because I thought he wanted this pregnancy also..maybe not as much as I did, because he already has two children and has gone through the experience, but because we love each other and wanted to have a baby together. His first wife smoked and did drugs while pregnant with BOTH of their children and I'm trying to do everything right (not coloring my hair, eating super healthy, not drinking) and he's treating me as though I did something wrong. Despite being sick right now, I still get up every morning with the kids, make breakfast, take them to school, go to the market, cook, help with homework...I'm trying so hard to keep our life the same as how it was before I got pregnant but I am constantly walking on eggshells. What will I do? Is he going to be like this for the next seven months? And what about after the baby is here? He or she doesn't deserve this resentment. I feel resentful because I have made many sacrifices for him (I quit my job shortly after we were married, after he won custody of his kids so that I could be a stay-at-home mom for them), moved to a foreign country for his career and am now thousands of miles away from my family and friends; it just feels like everything has always been about HIM. I've asked him if he will talk to someone about this (a marriage counselor or one of his really good male friends and he says, "No, nobody understands how I feel". I am so alone. I almost feel as though he is pushing me away and I'm terrified...I never wanted to have a baby alone or raise a child alone, yet this is what it feels like I will be doing. I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I don't know where else to turn. I would welcome any suggestions, advice or just kind words. Thank you.

alamaz · 09-18-2006, 09:10 AM

sorry to hear that after all you went through to get preggers. dh is acting the way he is. my advice to you is to seek counseling on your own. that will help you sort out your feelings and possibly if dh sees you going and then he is invited, he might be more interested. how did he treat you befor you got pregnant? Many husbands/partners become abusive emotionally and/or physically when thier spouse gets preggers because it means they are no longer in control of their spouse, what is happening to her body or when the child will come etc. i really hope you dh is nothing like this and won't turn into some one like this. but if he is, you need to help yourself and your baby first. do you know why his first marriage didn't work? no amount of persuading will make him come around at this point and NO WOMAN should have to walk around on eggshells around thier spouse. you and your baby deserve fair treatment by him and if he isn't willing to do that, then you need to do it for yourself. not sure if you are in the u.s but if you call your township and/or city office they should be able to give you referrals to counseling agencies that are free/no charge if money is an issue. good luck. i hope it works out for the better for you and dh comes around to realize what a blessing he has!

jay29 · 09-18-2006, 01:27 PM

I agree with alamaz. you should seek counseling.I felt that you really need talk to someone. you really need somebody near you... I am sorry I don't really know what to say about your dh... hope you will get some emotional help soon. take care

Kiedy · 09-19-2006, 01:07 PM

Mari,

I feel so sorry for you and can relate somewhat. If this was my husband, I would pounch him in the face and scream "wake up, fool". He thinks you used him to get preggo, well you could say that he used YOU to get a great mother for his kids, obviously he is very concerned about their wellfair. Tell him that he is acting selfish and like a big baby, just b/c he can't get any sex. Have you tried doing things other than intercourse. If you have and he is still not happy then tell him, tough luck. You now have a responsibilty to your unborn child and you. Ask him how he would feel if his ex-wife did something that led to one of his children not being born, how would he feel?

You could easily say that he didn't want a baby and used YOU for all the sex, was he lying when he said he wanted a baby too, and now a little bit of time off is neede, and he is crying. YOu should tell him that you are very disappointed w/ how selfish he is, and unappretiative considering all the sacrifises you have made and continue to make for HIS children. And I'm sure you love it and don't complain to him everyday of the last 6yrs (especially when he goes away for his trips). He should be ashamed of himself.

Perhaps next time he calls to ask about his children, you should say, your son did this, your daughter did this, AND your junior was making me sick all day long, etc (always include your unborn child in the conversation about his kids, afterall this is ALSO HIS child). How do your older children feel about the pregnancy, are they excited?? if yes, then focus on that and show him that his children have embraced the pregnancy. Enjoy yourself, let him be miserable, don't join in.

Remember that if you give in to doing something that you're not supposed to and end up losing the pregnancy, the resentment that you will feel towards him will seriously damage you relationship. So I would just ignore him and not really listen to his complaints, or even try to argue w/ him. He is behaving like a child and no amount of arguing or explaining will help. So do what I did, when he complains, just leave the room, change the topic. Find something that makes you happy. You know what works for you. For me, I would have a cow. Normally I'm very calm, pleasant and rational, but if my DH was giving me a hard time or not enough support, I would just go crazy and leave the house to go for icecream. I was quite unstable emotionally when I was preggo. You can't feed into his selfish behaviour, and by explaining, walking on eggshells, you are allowing him to continue. You have to cut it off. Afterall he needs you more than you realize. You will always get finanicial support from him, weather you're together or NOT. Who will look after his kids so lovingly if you're gone???

MY DH wanted kids ASAP when we met b/c he's over 40, but when I got preggo, he would never want to talk about the baby, go to classes, or dr.appoints. I was furious. When I was in a car accident when I was 8wks preggo, he didn't ask how are you, how is the baby, no, he was mad b/c I totaled the car, and had odasity to say, "oh, I hope now you're not going to complain that your neck is sore".

In the first 6mo, he didn't want to spend much time w/ the baby either. But...there is some light at the end of the tunnel. After DS got some personality, DH has been great, can't get enought of him. So there is hope, but until it happens you really have to take care of yourself and the baby. Men have issues, and pregnancies often reveal them, in my case I had to grow a back-bone, and learn how to demand NOT ask things of my DH. When my DH said that I only use him for financial support, I would tell him that if he continues I will leave him, still get his money and at least not have to put up w/ his BS.

Treat your DH like a child having a tantrum, what do you do, ignore it, otherwize it continues or gets worse.(When your kids were young, and wanted icecream before dinner, and you said NO, they may respond by saying,"if you loved me, you'd let me have it, etc, etc. You'd say, "i'm sorry you feel that way, but I do love you, and you still can't have icecream, as we're having dinner soon." This no doubt would be followed by cries, screams, accusations etc.You would never start screaming back at your child (try at least), b/c you know that wouldn't solve anything, right? Not much different from your DH's behavior now? So look at your DH right now as your 3rd, no, 4th BIG baby and TREAT him that way. If you're persistant adn consistant, eventually the behaviour should stop (at least that's what they promiss w/ kids tantrums, lol) I hope this helps

DJs Gurl · 09-20-2006, 02:56 PM

I guess I am the only one that feels the way I do.... I don't necessairly think he is being "unsupportive" it sounds to me that he's feeling hurt and unwanted! When you're pregnant your horomones are raging and you (not saying you are but) are much more sensitive to these kinds of things. If you've been married for 6 years, I am sure he supports you! Maybe he's feeling the same thing about YOU? "Why hasn't she hugged me today? Why does she act like she cares only about the baby? Can't she care for me, too?" We've heard your side of the story, now lets try to picture it from his. If he didn't like the idea of having a baby with you, he would have never agreed to it. We all know that the wifey needs support, but so does the husband. It's a "you scratch my back, I scratch your back" situation. He doesn't need to do all of the scratching all of the time! It's a 50/50 thing! I wish you the very best of luck. Keep us posted. Hang in there! Your horomones will even out eventually and you'll feel alot better.