Senior Member (female)
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
How to accept being a mother when you cannot financially afford it?
Hello Ladies and Gents,
I am writing because I've been stuck in a state of confusion for years about whether or not to TTC.
I am 25 years old and have been in long term relationship with my comon-law spouse for over 6 years. We plan to get married and as much as we would like to get it over with sooner than later, we find that spending the money to arrange for a wedding would be an expense that would be less than smart for us.
I finished high school and went to college and after graduating, I found yself not able to find a job beause I studied financial services and had accuulated bad debts while studuying, so in turn, almost all employers who would be interested in hiring me could not because i would not pass the credit check.
After 3 years of trying to survive that, I find myself broker than i've never been before. We had to move into subsidized housing, which is less than a good environment to raise a child (mostly because of pesticide used due to unconrollable pest). I'm still not finding a job that would allow me to get out of this mess, so i'm slowly coming to terms with accepting to work as a cashier somewhere at minimu wage (at 20 years old I was making $35,000, now I can't even make my rent...but i understand now that life gets funny like that at times).
Basically, all the efforts i've been making since i was a teenager was so that I could build a better foundation for yself to raise a child. Now that I'm worst off than when I was a teenager and there doesn't see to be a way for me to get past that (I've tried and tried everything I could think of, believe me), I feel as if I don't have the right to be a mother. That got stripped away from me along with my ability to earn a living, go to school and be educated for something that would allow me to live and achieve my goals. I feel as if I failed everything and on top of that, I can even revert back to my natural duty as a woman.
If someone was to ask me how I would afford a child, I can only simply say that I don't know. I mean, if someone asks me right now how i'm gonna pay rent next month, I don't know that either. Yet, I think of having a child everyday. It haunts me everyday more than it ever did before. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me by lingering on something that I cannot allow myself to have.
But then, I started to see it the other way. This year only, 7 babies in my entourage were born. Some were conceived in a stable home with parents working and ensuring that the baby has everything he/she needs and doesn't need. Then I have relatives who when they got pregnant, didn't even finish high school. They had no job, no money, not even a place of their own. One of the got pregnant while living in a shelter. Another got pregnant from her ex-husband from whom she was seperated because he was abusing her.
Looking at this, it seems like i'm the only one who worries about how I'm going to be able to raise and a child and that really ruins my hapiness. It seems like babies are coming out, no one plans for them and no one worries, or at least if they do, they don't have a reason to because their families take care of them and their child.
All these women allow themselves to experience the happiness of motherhood, despite their financial or social situations. So then I wonder "Why can't I"?
I have no means of assuring that my kid would go to private school or would eat fresh organic food everyday, but yet, having and raising children is all i want to do and is truly the only one good thing left for me to do. It seems so absurd from anyone looking at from the outside. People tell me " You have so much potential, you could make money". But I'm not interested in living that life and making pure senseless money because to me, money that parents make is suppose to go to the children, so unless a child is at the receiving end of this money, I'm simply not interested in it. I don't need money for myself. I only need money for basic necessities. I don't care for the latest fashion, big cars, big houses and living a fake, empty and pointless social life with people that don't mean nothing to you. Been there, done that, drove the big cars and lived in houses that 2-3 extra bedrooms and I know how these things absolutely mean NOTHING. And I realize that all these materials things were obtained to compensate for my desire to nurture and become a mother, but since I could not allow that for myself at the time, I went buckwild into all sorts of needless things and possessions that, at the end of the day, would do nothing for me. Even my finance degree was all part of those things I had to go through to realize that it was not my place and not for me to deal with. I just came to understand my purpose and it just so happen to conflict with everything I used to do. I don't mind. Not anymore. It took some time, but I accept that and today, if someone give a a choice between two pills, 1 to get pregnant and 1 to get a $100,000 job, I wouldn't even think twice and go for the 1st pill.
Me being good ol' me, I find myself feeling guilty that I would give up everything and stear my life in the opposite direction. And that's why I'm not pregnant yet. It's the only thing I want to do and yet, I can't bring myself to do it. Why? Because I know very well that in reality, it's going to be awfully hard and one day i'm going to regret it because my child's future is going to depend on wether I can pay for it or now and if that day I'm not able to write that cheque, I'll be failing at that too.
I wish how I could get to understand how so many wonderful and courageous mothers manage to turn their life around out of nothing. That's pretty much what I would have to do, gamble on the fact that there's a chance i could turn nothing into something, but it's hard to see how and to be confident that it can actually happen. I'm just so scared of how I could really mess this up. I mean, do I take a gamble and take a huge risk or do I go the safer route and be a bitter old career woman all empty inside (no offense to anyone who are career women and have no kids, there's a need for that in our world and i respect that. I just know for myself that what I would turn into if I had a good job but no kids and family).
Tell me your stories. I want to know how some of you made it? I want to know if there are other women out there who chose to become mothers over financial security? My husband is no big bread winner either, he has enough for the necessities out of his full-time job. He's already fullfilling his duties of a family man, I just can't bring my part of the bargain (financially). My reasonnig was that he could concentrate on advancing in his career while I stay home to take care of the kids. When he's good and the kids are grown and are in school, I could go back to school and look for a career. I would run a business from home in the mean time. I've learned to crochet and am getting quite good at it, so i' slowly building myself a little inventory of garments to start selling. I'm also into herbalism and studying it steadily. I don't see why I couldn't spend the time while i' pregnant to study so more and by the time I give birth, I can be certified to sell my own herbs, which I could all do between bottles and diapers, I'm sure. All I would need is a few nap times during the week to prepare my blends and package them for resale. Anywho? Is that even realistic? I just don't know.
Please help, as you can tell, I'm confused and greatly need it!!
Thank to all for reading and have a nice day!! :-)