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Old 07-29-2008, 07:19 AM   #1
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myinspiration HB User
How do you finally just give up trying and stop hurting

I think Im going to give up. I need to be thankful for what i do have. I have a wonderful 9 year old son. I lost my baby at birth in 2004. He was born with no kidneys. I went thru hell. I had placenta previa and my placenta abrupted and i had an emergency c-section. I was cut up and down. I hate that scar. I almost died in the hospital because I trusted the dr. I tried to start getting pregnant 3 months after that. The first month i had a chemical pregnancy. Then July 2006 i got pregnant on my own and miscarried at 5 weeks. Started trying again with no luck. Jan 2008 had lap done and found out i have endometriosis. He cleaned me up and put me on clomid and then this last month tamoxifen. Still no luck. Tamoxifen messed me up last month. I started spotting a week after ovulation and i have been spotting now for 9 days. My temperature has dropped to 97.7 for 2 days now but i havent started bleeding heavy yet.
I am just so worn out over all of this. My son has gotton older now so i dont know if he would be even close to his sibling if i was lucky enough to have another healthy baby. I sit hear crying because i had my 2 babies i wanted and God took one of them and I dont understand why. I know Im not the only one that goes through this but it hurts so bad and I am so angry. Im tired of hearing people around me talk about pregnancy and babies. I dont want to be around a pregnant person or even talk about birth or babies. My best friend told me I need to deal with it because the women are not going to stop having babies. I distance myself from people if they get pregnant. My husband tells me that i am depressed all the time.
I dont know how to get out of this mode Im in. I cant keep trying, its driving me crazy. I have been trying for 3 1/2 years since my baby died. I didnt have any problems getting pregnant with my first son and my second son only took around 5 to 6 months. Why cant i get pregnant now? Maybe it has something to do with the endometriosis.
The question is, how do i stop trying and get on with my life? How do i stop hurting? How do i start accepting it and start being happy for everyone else?
I have been to see 3 different councelors but they just dont help me.

 
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Old 07-29-2008, 10:48 AM   #2
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cookiemunster65 HB User
Re: How do you finally just give up trying and stop hurting

first and formost, you are blessed to have such a caring husband and (sounds like a great) son. there's really no set path to deal with what you've been through. i dealt with the death of my godson (who was 7 months old) very harshly, i just went inwards. it wasn't healthy for me, and thank god for my dh who eventually snapped me out of it.

if it's all coming to the point where you, and others, notice you are depressed, there is no shame in going to see a professional. the father of my godson went to talk to somebody, and i believe he still is (2 years later, but now for other reasons.) the mother ended up not going, and she has yet to grieve over her loss.

you never really get over a loss of anyone, be it a parent, child, or friend. it sounds to me like you are still grieving, not to mention frustrated at the failure of ttc again. do yourself a favor and maybe go for a consultation with a phsyciatrist (not a counselor) who deals with death of children. unfortunately with phsyciatrists and counselors, it does take quite a bit of time for them to get to know you and understand truely what your going through. how long did you see your counselors?

i wish you nothing but the best of luck in the near future, and i hope you can cope with all that you've been dealt. i must say, you sound like a stronger person then i could ever be..

god bless

Last edited by cookiemunster65; 07-29-2008 at 10:50 AM.

 
Old 07-29-2008, 11:42 AM   #3
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 375
elainee HB User
Re: How do you finally just give up trying and stop hurting

Hi,

I'm so sorry for your loss and your desolation. I can feel the pain in your post. I agree with everything Cookie has said, I don't think it could be said better. Maybe just put your faith one more time in trying to feel better in yourself with the help of a professional. It sounds like it's all getting in on you completely and feeling a bit overwhelming.

My advice would you concentrate on yourself first before trying to make teh decision whether to just stick with what you have. Perhaps through treatment and talking you might come to that conclusion yourself or in time you might feel stronger to ttc again. For now though I would concentrate on you xx

 
Old 07-30-2008, 01:06 PM   #4
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Monarch7 HB User
Re: How do you finally just give up trying and stop hurting

If your main goal at this point in your personal life is to have another child, then of course you'd be depressed/disappointed. If your main goal was to be happy, then you'll look for happiness.

I have been to counseling for several reasons myself. The grief process has stages. Which are you in? Or, are you done grieving over the death of your baby and are depressed over your current situation?

I am 36 and have no children. I pray to God for a child. I'm healthy and everything should be a "go," but nothing. I just recently realized that I didn't completely have faith that God would give me a child. I have faith now - I trust in God that he will give my heart's desires, as he says in the bible. The funny thing was that I truly believed I was too bad on the inside to be given such a wonderful gift. I know that He has a plan for me - whether it's what I THINK I want or whether it IS the best thing for me. You can be sure that when you truly pray to Him and ask, He will hear.

What did you enjoy the most as a child? Maybe a little hobby that really makes you laugh and have fun would calm your spirit and help you to be patient in all ways in all days. Remember to have FUN. I forgot how until recently and just tell myself to HAVE FUN and it sets me FREE.

Peace to you...

 
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