| Derealization?
I am new here. I am writing because I often find myself on such websites, trying to find people with similar symptoms as myself. Unfortunately, I can never find anything exactly, so I decided to post something of my own. Any responses are greatly appreciated..
As a child, I would often suffer from tiny bouts of derealization, lasting only about a minute and would quickly fade. As I aged, these bouts of depersonalization and derealization have become an integrated part of my everyday life. Beginning about 4 years ago, I had been suffering from severe depression and anxiety, that of which drove me into a state of derealization, dizziness, confusion, lack of energy and feeling as though I did not have the capability to perform day to day tasks. It was not a general feeling of depression, but more questioning day to day occurrences such as "how am I even typing this e-mail." Everything felt very whimsical and unreal, completely separated from a normal day. Fortunately, I saw a therapist and these feelings were very slowly moved from my life, although it took about a year to remove. I find this very hard to believe that such symptoms can be driven solely by anxiety.
Recently, I have been suffering from derealization again, plus more physical symptoms. I literally have pain everywhere in my body. I do not go through a single day without feeling some sort of pain. Most of my pain is in my back and my shoulders, and there is even a huge lump that appears on my left shoulder. I was originally afraid that this lump was a tumor, but I find that it comes and goes as it pleases. The pain radiates down my neck and into my head, often causing migraine headaches. With these migraine headaches, and without, feelings of "everything not being real" are constantly in my mind. These thoughts are so constant that it has become a part of my everyday life, I am unable to connect to real life and real people, and can mentally feel the distance between who I am now and who I know I am supposed to be. I know this sounds a little bit crazy, but I am confident that someone has felt similarly and knows the feeling of being detached.
What is scary about these symptoms, even though I have felt them before, is the constant worry that it is never going to go away. I have little to no anxiety in my life, and feel more content and happy than ever (aside from the anxiety that is brought about by feeling the way that I do). Generally, I feel as follows:
A constant pain on my left side, lump on left shoulder that radiates pain up to my head and down under my left ribcage, down my left arm, into my left hand sometimes
Constant dizzy feeling, not vertigo, more like I am "walking on air" and could fall over or run into a wall at any moment
Concern about performing day to day tasks, as in, I am very curious as to how I am able to compose this thread currently
A slowed reaction time, almost like being lazy, but dismissing things that I should be doing day to day regularly
Confusion as to what is real and what is not real
Sometimes I have an out-of-body feeling, but more likely I find myself staring and rarely blinking, caught in some sort of trance
I often find myself clenching my teeth/jaw together or clenching my facial muscles in an awkward way
My head feels foggy, and if I roll my eyes back it causes a lot of pain in my head
Sometimes I feel as if I am talking incorrectly/struggling to talk, type, or write
My biggest concern is the part about feeling "unreal." Like when I am driving, I feel as if the car is floating or that I will not be able to functionally drive the car. I have a hard time when I think about my house at school while sitting at another friends house. Whatever is not in front of me feels like it does not exist.
If this is all stemming from anxiety - wouldn't my body be able to assure myself that and, thus, calm myself and reduce my symptoms?
I have previously had a brain MRI for migraines and MS and a chest x-ray for my pains on my left side. Everything came back negative.
Does anybody have any suggestions to what this could be? I would love to get back to my normal life and not feel like I am floating or not alive. It is probably one of the scariest feelings....
I appreciate anyone who took the time to read my post and I look forward to any response or advice.
Thank you!
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