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Re: WITHDRAWING FRIENDS

Re: WITHDRAWING FRIENDS

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Posted by gardengirl33 on October 22, 2000 at 13:47:50:

In Reply to: Re: WITHDRAWING FRIENDS posted by BettyD. on August 19, 2000 at 10:16:13:

: : WHEN MY HUSBAND WAS RECOVERING FROM OPEN HEART SURGERY SIX YEAR AGO, EVERYONE CAME TO HELP. THEY MADE SURE THAT I HAD TIME OUT TO MYSELF. NOW THAT HE IS DYING FROM TERMINAL CANCER AND WE ARE IN THE HOSPICE PROGRAM, NO ONE COMES. NO ONE CALLS. I DO NOT MIND THE TAKING CARE OF HIM, THAT IS A PRIVILEGE AND AN HONOR, BUT THE LONLINESS IS ALMOST TOO MUCH TO BEAR.

: : I CAN NOT EVEN GET THE TIME TO GO TO THE POST OFFICE AS HE CANNOT BE LEFT ALONE AT ALL.

: : WHY DO PEOPLE WITHDRAW. AND THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO ALL THESE YEARS HAVE CALLED THEMSELVES FRIENDS.

: Jan, You are so right that those who called themselves friends, seem to slip away when we really need their support. I really don't understand this, but it's true. I have experienced the same thing.
: I am with my husband 23/7. He has Parkinsons and Dementia. Where I go, he goes. I can get to town to buy groceries, sit him in the lobby of Walmarts, rush for necessities then back to front to see if he is o.k. Sometimes, he has his head bowed on his chest, asleep. Sometimes he talks to whoever might sit next to him. I cannot leave him, as I never know what he might decide to do.
: I am so sorry about your husband. No one knows how frustrating that caregiving can become, except other caregivers. Do you belong to a support group? We have been several times, but my husband wants to go home. He doesn't gain from it, but at least, I have someone to talk to. Our neighbors never come, nor call. We do live in the county,(about l4 or l5 miles out), and I tell myself that is why no one comes. We were members of a church in town for 30 odd years, and they never called or came but one time in l4 years.
: We have 3 children,two married and l divorced. They live in other states, so don't see them often.
: I bought a scottie pup about 6 months ago, thinking it would be such company for my husband. I think it was a mistake, as he pup aggravates him. We had scotties for years, and He was so fond of them, but that was before his illness. Anyway, what I am saying, the pet has been a comfort for me. I am alone so much, as he sleeps a lot(can't do anything that requires any tiny bit of concentration)We are up and down sll night.
: Write me and tell me about your family, etc. It does help. If you would like to become part of a group of caretakers, http://www.Caresupport@caregiving.com. These ladies are very sympathetic, and are good listeners and advisors. If you would like to email me, fcmdavis@aol.com. Keep in touch, and I send you prayers and blessings.
: Betty D.

My condolensces on your husband, in illness or passing, as the case may be. Your original message was several months old. I hope you have had a sunny day here and there since then.

Your message caught my eye because I have wondered at similar feelings myself. My sweetheart isn't as progressed as yours. Right now he is on The Transplant List for a kidney/pancreas. He'll either make it through the surgery and go on or he could be lost to me at any second. He's only 41. I am 33.

He feels bad most of the time but looks pretty good. He focuses most of his day to day energies on the tasks of keeping fit til better arrives.

But there are some periods when he will be sick for days and days. During these periods, he doesn't communicate much other than to say he can't communicate right now. It's after the first few days of these times that I begin to think of the family & friends.

I feel angry that these people are missing out on experiencing this sweet man all the while his # or or at least the quality of his days could be legnthened by their love and support.

I feel ashamed for feeling this way. I know they're busy. Life for anyone is very complicated these days. It's a full-time job just to tend to the normal day to day stuff.

I'm annoyed because I know if they don't face this now some will come to me later about it. The only thing that galls me about that is that there are times when I need them NOW. I feel like I'll take their company at that time out of loneliness and politeness but I will feel somehow degraded by accepting them knowing I had all those feelings of anger toward them.

And it's tough to approach these people. I find most of the time they're simply not on that level yet. Maybe they won't be ready til the time comes and it is my job to usher them. Talk about a position of humility!

If my sweetie has taught me anything it is the virtues of humility and patience. I try to keep with that when I can.





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