Re: The root of all my evil???
Re: The root of all my evil???
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Posted by Ally
on October 20, 2000 at 10:52:20:
In Reply to: The root of all my evil??? posted by Dont know where to turn on October 20, 2000 at 10:43:06:
My heart goes out to you. I have the same gray memories of my childhood. I suspect abuse in kindergarten by a counselor and I can only remember the hallway and the tile on the floor into the room in the basement of the school where i was "counselled" and the feeling of someone standing behind me - but not the actual abuse. It's very frustrating to not remember. Are you in therapy? Don't force yourself to try to remember -it will come when you are ready. I know that's not very reassuring, but that's what they tell me.
I can guarantee that the problems you are having with your husband are a direct result of the horrible role models you had as a child. You need to talk to someone in person, it's not easy and it takes a long time. It wont happen overnight and you have to grieve for the little girl you were because she is somewhere deep inside of you and she is hurting badly.
: My life is a mess.....nothing or noone makes me happy.
: I suffer from depression, I know that. I have for a long time, although I have not always taken medication for it.
: It doesnt seem to do me much good to be honest, my life never changes.
: I can remember being about 7 or 8 I guess, and just HATING myself sooooo badly. Just writing over and over that I
: hate myself! I was always very withdrawn, from a very young age. My mother never noticed....if she did, she never cared
: enough to do anything about it.
: I have almost NO childhood memories. The few that I do have are one where I was going to daycare, and all i remember is being on a long
: dirt road leading to it, and I remember the song that was playing on the radio.
: One where my father was beating the crap out of my mother, and me and my sister were crying our heads off, while he just about killed her.
: One where he kidnapped us at Christmas(I was probably about 5 or 6) and took us to W. Virginia-we stopped on the side of the interstate to sleep, and he curled up with me in the front,
: slid his hand under my dress and asked me what I had on. I told him panties, and he told me I could take them off if I wanted. I think that I got in the back seat with
: my sister, but I honestly dont remember. Other than those memories, I have no others.
: WEll, I certainly know now what his intentions were that night!! I never told anyone about that, until a few years ago, I told my mother.
: I honestly wonder if I wasnt sexually molested as a child, and have totally blocked all of my memories because of it????
: Is that why I hated myself so young? Could that be the cause of my depression? Is that why I am the way I am?
: Is there any way to overcome this? I really really want to be happy, but I dont know how.
: I was married about 4 years ago. 2 years ago i divorced my husband because I just wanted to be alone. Then after a little while, i wanted him back, then i didnt, then i did, just
: a vicious cycle over and over and over. well now we are together again, and i feel myself slipping back into it again.
: God help me!! What is wrong with me? How can I stop this? I hate this, I hate myself for being this way. I hate my life. I just want it to STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!
: Could there be any hope for me?????
: The ONLY thing I find joy in is my daughter who is is 3. I love her more than life itself.....and i show her everyday to make up for the unemotional way I was raised.
: But....joy in her is just not enough to get me through.....help.