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Too young to go through this

Too young to go through this

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Posted by messed in the head on November 14, 2000 at 00:51:24:

Hey,
I am majorly depressed. I've been this way for almost a year. I have no friends at all. Well kinda. See the thing is, I hang around these people at school who I pretend to like. They think everything is all cool. But when I feel REALLY REALLY bad I just close up even more than I already am and I don't talk. Then these 'friends' get all pissed because they think I'm being a bee-yatch. They were my friends at one point but I just found myself hating these two people and they were all i had. I'd love to tell them and get it off my chest but they'd never understand. Besides, I don't trust them anyway.
I don't eat. It's not that I think I'm fat or anything but I dunno what's up with me and my diet. I just don't eat anymore. When my mother makes me go eat something at the table with the rest of my family I just can't do it. I stopped eating at the table because me and my mother always get into these real big fights thta just make me want to kill myself brutally.
Suicide is always on my mind. I can't stop thinking about it like ever since, last early march or last december i guess. I'm pretty sure it was december. I've cut myself up so much it's not even funny. One night I took my razore and cut my ankle so bad that I had to wrap masking tape around it to there would be more pressure to stop the bleeding. I've o.d.ed and I snorted acetaminophen.
I hate my life and I really want to die. My grades have dropped dramatically and my taste in music and clothes has completely changed to match my mood.
I'd love for me and my mother to get along like we used to. We used to have big long conversations about a whole buch of things and I really miss trusting and confiding in her. I also just miss plain old talking decent to each other. I want things to go back to the way they were with me and my mother but I know that'll never happen. She doesn't trust me, thinks I'm on crack and reminds me almost everyday that having me was a big mistake and she regrets it so much.
In the summer, she forced a couple things out of me. I told her I was really unhappy and I wanted to committ suicide. She said that I was making it all up just to get attention. I couldn't believe it.
I've done a whole s!!t load of bad things to myself.
The odd thing is that I like being this way. As much as I am depressed, I kinda like being in that dark mood. I have no idea why. I don't really want help anymore because i like that state I'm in.
I know I'm really messed up. But the sad things is, all this awful stuff has happened to me and I am going through it now and I'm only 14. Which means my depression started when I was 13. That's too pathetic for someone this young to be feeling this way. Thanks. I really need someone to listen.
What do you think?


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