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bi-polar

bi-polar

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Posted by Mona on November 21, 2000 at 03:04:40:

I have been pre diagnosed with bipolar from a g.p. Psych visit is soon. I had no idea I was bipolar and all of this frightens me. I now see that some of my anger in the past was probably bipolar. I have had enormous stresses in my life for about 15 years.

In this case or this manic episode, I almost lost my job by the means I used to "save" it, but I had no idea that my reaction was anything but normal, and that was definitely my wake up call. I am still not sure if my reputation or my credibility in my profession will be recoverable. It is severely in doubt and that adds to my feelings of helplessness.

I am currently on leave from a state job to get help for this, but that was my suggestion not theirs. They wanted to fire me and don't really want me back but have to take me back.

In the main mix is the office flirtation my boss was having with me and that had stressed me to my limits since I basically didn't want to be caught up in the flirtation but ended up there anyway. I now assume by his actions that he is now afraid of me and of the possibility that I will mention this flirtation (it didn't progress very far since I wouldn't let it but my resistance to him was fading). I think this has him very scared. He is married and new to the job. I am single and also new to my job.

At times I feel like his flirtation translated into harrassment because I am nearly out of a job, but I did make some mistakes on the job that they held me accountable for. I'd only been there two months in a stressful job, actually training for it since it would take a year to learn, I was told by my supervisor at one time.

But when I thought my job was being placed in jeopardy by another employee, I wrote a document which was only for him, the fliratious boss, to see, which in effect said please save my job and here are ways to cover up this flirtation we're having. (He had been the one hanging around my door not vice versa.) The document is completely manic and off the wall. I come off as the biggest liar and conniver of all time, and I also tell him I can't be anything other than a friend, but please save my job anyway!

He apparently got frightened and exposed the letter to my supervisor. When I realized this, I nearly collapsed and have had a tenuous hold on reality ever since (this happened about two weeks ago.) He and she pounced on my mistakes and tired to fire me with them when it really was all about my manic document. And I can now see that that document can be my complete ruination.

He never approached me directly at any point about my document, though he did send me a five page letter telling me just how libelous and slanderous it was, but later I found out I was the only one who had seen his letter to me. His sounded as if a lawyer had written it.

Within days I was ostrasized from the office by staff (I never showed anyone my document, but apparently he did to managers and to my supervisor) and then came the quick firing attempt.

After going to a bi-polar site, my document reads like a classic manic episode. But now no one trusts me in the office,and apparently nothing I say is to be believed. The boss successfully divided the office against me in a few short days. I felt like a leper.

My document was barely touched upon when boss and supervisor were trying to fire me and only after I asked for medical leave.

At that point he made some perfunctory remarks about how, yes, it was so out of character from who he knew and someone in personnel had suggested an "intervention." And the boss's idea of intervention apparently was to fire me but for mistakes not the letter that seemed to cry for an "intervention." I don't get it. I still don't. Was he trying to "protect" me from a so called slanderous and libelous document that could ruin me? Or was he trying to save himself from being questioned about a possible flirtation in the ofice?

And who would believe anything I said now? I'm now the manic one who is considered "nuts"! And he's prettier than me (so to speak) so who would believe he was flirting with her? He is probably busy back at the office trying to flirt and hang outside everyone else's door just to prove how egalitarian his flirting is.

So I am running a gamut of emotions. With no money coming in during my leave, a bankruptcy this year, only one relative to offer minimum financial support, no office staffer support (not even one card), only one intown friend, and one friend in another city, I am near my end. And with the possible bi-polar diagnosis, I am not sure if I can withstand much more going on in my life.

There hasn't seemed to be much understanding that my letter represented a real manic episode, and to everyone including the boss who initiated all the flirting no one seems to care since no one but no one will ever trust me again. He exposed my manic letter and doomed me. I wrote it but for him to expose it, well, it seems like I put the knife in my heart and he twisted it.

I wish I didn't feel so hopeless. Thanks all for letting me vent.


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