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I want to make it look like an accident

I want to make it look like an accident

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Posted by Helene on November 28, 2000 at 07:25:08:

My life is getting to be too much for me to handle, and I just don't care anymore. My family hates me, I have one friend (who really doesn't care too much about me), and I have a dead-end job where all my employees hate me, and I have a messed up knee, and I have to walk almost a half mile at school, and I've put on about 40 lbs. in the past 7 months because I can't run anymore, and I'm taking paxil, which makes me eat everything in sight. It sounds as if I'm better off, but I'm so lonely, and I was abused as a child, and all of a sudden I can't stop thinking about how much my family hates me. My father (who used to physically, verbally, mentally... abuse me) has a terminal illness, and he doesn't even care that he messed up my life. I can't get involved w/ a guy, but if I do, I've already decided that I want a guy who beats me so I can get back at my dad in a sick way. My #1 fantasy is to have a boyfriend beat me up in front of my dad, so my dad can see how much he screwed me up. I obsess about this kind of stuff all day long. My mom used to model, and all she does is talk about how much weight I'm gaining and how I should have a plastic surgery or liposuction or whatever it takes so I can be as pretty as her and my sister, or she makes me feel inferior because I'm not rich like they are, and there's a "class difference," but when I kill myself, she's probably going to be the only one who notices, not that I care, because I just want to be away from it all. All I want is for something to happen to me, or for there to be an accident... I don't know how to do it so it looks like an accident. The best thing I can come up w/ is to get in a car wreck, but if I survive... I have about 2 months worth of Paxil, risperidone, and something else saved up, but I don't know if it'll be enough to kill myself, because a few years ago, I took about 30 phenobarbitual, and I survived. Luckily, I was able to tell people that I was just trying to get high, but no one really cared. If I have a problem, there's no one whom I can talk to... My mom and friend always act too busy, and they don't really care too much anyway, and I've told my doctor that my medicine stopped working, and she told me that it doesn't stop working, and hung up, and I've called a crisis line, but they were really rude to me... but my life's not really worth too much to me, or to anyone. I'm in so much pain now that I can't stop crying, and all I want to do is shoot myself in the chest. I'm 19 now, but if I make it to 21, I'm going to buy a gun and shoot myself. I could say I'm getting it for protection or something, and if I survive somehow, I could say I was trying to figure out how to oil it or something. I doubt I'll last that long, though.


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