Re: I want to make it look like an accident
Re: I want to make it look like an accident
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Posted by Kathrin
on November 29, 2000 at 03:22:15:
In Reply to: I want to make it look like an accident posted by Helene on November 28, 2000 at 07:25:08:
you sound so so very desperate. 19 you say you are? I am 26, almost. But i can still remember when I was 19... but first we are talking about you.
It seems you are very overwhelmed by all the things that are happening and have happened to you, and most of all it seems you don't have a good support system. Nobody to talk to, you say. And even at the crisis line they were rude (please don't let that make you think all people at crisis lines are rude. i ahve called before and talked to very NICE people).
Helene even if this sounds impossible to you now there ARe ways to get away from all that hurt without ending your life. You want to stop the pain, right? Isn't there a part in you that wants a better life? More... happiness, maybe more justice? It seems you have been treated very badly.
I can relate to the fantasies you are talking about... I have had fantasies about showing people what they did to me.
Does part of you - and please tell me if I am wrong - want to get back to people by killing yourself? A tiny part maybe? I really don't know, i just want you to ask yourself that question. If it is so, please be aware, you will not be around to get the rewards for that! And you know what I read somewhere once? The ONLY way to show people who abused you that they are wrong is by living a good life. By NOT letting them have the ultimate victory by defeating you. You have to say: "But I will live anyway! This is NOT going to get me down. Look at me! I am alive!"
Suicide is such a permanent solution. You want to get away from the pain. You don't know how to cope anymorte. You need to find new ways to cope! You CAN!!!
Look things have built up a lot for you now, right? A friend that you say doesn't seem to care all that much, a dead-end job, a father who abused you and doesn't care he messed you up, a mother who bugs you about your weight, a messed up knee... you feel overwhelmed, like there are too many problems, right?
Maybe you need a big change? NOT ending your life, but maybe CHANGING your life?
I feel a lot of anger in your post too, especially against your Dad. remember what I wrote: The ultimate thing that will prove that you were right is by SURVIVING and SHOWING THAT YOU WILL LIVE AND MAKE IT ANYWAY!!!! Do you know what I mean?
About the job... if you feel ready to kill yourself, maybe you are at a point where you would welcome any kind of change, evehn if risky? is there a possibility of changing your acareer? of doing something different?
What I am trying to say is, tackle those problems one by one. They will be less overwhelmeing., You know what? Make a list. Write all the problems down. Write next to all of them what you could do to make them easier to deal with or evehn solve them. Can you try?
Please remember that depression changes your way of thinking. Hopelessness is a symptom. Being suicidal too. You can NOT trust your own feelings when you are depressed. If you don't feel safe, you need to get professional help.
Look nbow i want to say something aboiut myslef anyway. I had anorexia when I was 18, 19, and then fell into a deep depression, felt lost and empty, like eveything was without meaning. I felt SO STUCK! i thought it was impossible that it would ever get better.
I felt so sad and wanted to live again but doidn't know how, wanted to get rid of that depression and anxiety but din't knoiw how. I just dragged myself through the days. i thought I might well nbever be happy again.
Thinmgs CHANGED again. Things can always change. I am now in another country, have started studying psychology (I was born in Switzerland, am now in San francisco). It was a big dream, something new to hold on to, a change. And it worked out! I woulnd never EVER have belkieved it while depressed. I was STUCK then, i felt like a hopeless case, like i was in too deep. WRONG!!! I am now here helping homeless people, studying for my psych degree, writing songs, performing my own music... PLEASE HELENE TRUST ME things can change. They ALWAYS do.
This is why it is NEVER worth killing yourself. Because it is permanent. but things in this world, they change.
You do need support. You have support here, for one thing. You can also email me at email@example.com.
If you are acutely suicidal PLEASE call 911 (if you are in the US., otherwise your emergency). Or call a crisis line again, I promise they are not all rude. A local one or if you are in the US maybe 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-999-9999.
There is also a website: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
You can NOIT trust your own judgement when you are depressed because your thinking is distorted. Please get help.
Also in crisis times ALWAYS tell yourself to wait at least a week before doing anything, because often little things can trigger a crisis that has been below the surface, but within a week or so things look VERY different again.
You have to hang in now just because one day you will know again what you hung in for, even if now you don't know. The things you can't enjoy anymore, you will be made happy by them again.
PLEASE BE SAFE.
- p.s. Kathrin 03:46:19 11/29/00