In Reply to: bulimia is killing me posted by Jen B on November 26, 2000 at 18:39:22:
: Hi - I'm 26 years old and have been suffering from bbulimia and depression since I was a young child. I was a professional model for 10 years, and it was normal in that scene to throw up, use drugs, and control your weight by any means possible. I quit modeling at 21 and immediately started to gain weight. At 24, I had a child, and at nine months pregnant, I weighed 250 pounds. (My usual weight is 125-130 - I'm 5'11). It was like for the first time in my life I had an excuse to eat, and that's all I did. Now, two years later, I'm only down to 170, and I can't seem to lose the rest. I know it's horrible to purge, but I feel like I have to. I hate my body. I had a cesarean and I just feel like I look disgusting, like some fat girl has just taken me over. I feel so stupid and weak because I can't control it. I am on Effexor and Neurontin for Depression, but they don't seem to help. I'm afraid to tell my doctor because I don't want to be hospitalized. I can never stick to a diet or exercise program - I just don't have the motivation right now. Two months ago, I slit my wrist and took three bottles of pills. My roommate found me, and I'm OK, but still very tired and slightly angry that I'm still here. I don't want to die, and it makes me sick that I am whining about such a vain, stupid thing like my weight when I have a child to take care of, but I just can't even look in the mirror any more, and I have such hate for myself. Sorry this is so long - if anyone has any feedback I'd really appreciate it.
First off I want to say that bulimia almost ruined my life and it will ruin yours too if you let it. What I want to say is that I understand your feelings of suicide because those feelings have plagued me for years and they still do. But know that there is help out there. I went to therapy for a time and found out that I am a person that is worthy of love and can love my own self. The issues of suicide must be dealt with in therapy, because you have a child to take care of who loves and needs you, please try to remember that. And know that there are people on this board that understand what you are going through. Please take care of yourself.